Finally!

Luck is on my side these few days and it's made me more than estatic.

I got my credits for anatomy and histology. One step closer to my final exams. We celebrated by running off to McDonald's and binging even though we were pretty much broke for the month. Watched I Am Legend with "adek" and "nenek" =p Was quite an impressive movie for such a simple story line though the ending was crap.

While watching Evan Almighty, Hantu IM-ed me, asking if I was going for the christmas bash that was on Saturday. I had planned to go but seeing as how my wallet wouldn't allow it, I decided to skip the charity event. And boy was I glad I didnt purchase the ticket for lo and behold! they had extra tickets to give away and I got THREE! Weeeeee!


Jaclyn Victor was superb as usual. She was really down to earth, hopping about without her shoes, inviting all of us to join her up on stage, and allowing us snap pictures with her. Really unfortunate that she was only in moscow for a day or two. We could have brought her around =p
------------------------
In a mood to relax since I've got the important part over and done with. Haven't been doing much these few days besides playing cards, chess and of course the highlight of my week.. Iceskating! There's a park in front of my hostel with a beautiful lake surrounded by trees. Fell down a couple of times since it's my first time and the part cleared for iceskating is not as smooth as those in the malls or what not. But over all it was good. I initally went to the park for a good morning jog which turned out to the discovery of the iceskating area. So yey! =D

Loving father helping his son up the stairs.. by pulling the hood of his jacket.
Brilliant

Damn, wonder how is it so easy to spot me.

Say the right words

Ayang, it's me again! Blogging in pink hehe :)

You're very frustrated now as the internet is acting up again. Le sigh.. Distance. All of a sudden I realise I'm alone this Christmas, without my sayang. And you likewise, have not had a proper Christmas for quite some time. Oh dear, this post seems really depressing. It was meant to lighten you up at this very frustrating time. I remember preparing your parcel two Christmases ago, filling it up with anything Christmas-y I could find. I really meant to do the same this year and last year, but the postal system here is very different and I'm sorry I couldn't dear. Promise we'll spend Christmas together next year, right? :) So baby, in the meantime... (some Christmas song that's been stuck in my head, restaurant keeps playing it):

Welcome to my Christmas song
I'd like to thank you for the year
So I'm sending you this Christmas card
To say it's nice to have you here
I'd like to sing about all the things
Your eyes and mind can see
So hop aboard the turntable
Oh step into Christmas with me, year

Step into Christmas
Let's join together
We can watch the snow fall forever and ever
Eat, drink and be merry
Come along with me
Step into Christmas
The admission's free (particularly this part keeps playing over and over :\ )

Take care in all you do next year
And keep smiling through the days
If we can help to entertain you
Oh we will find the ways S
o Merry Christmas one and all
There's no place I'd rather be
Than asking you if you'd oblige
Stepping into Christmas with me

Step into Christmas
Let's join together
We can watch the snow fall forever and ever
Eat, drink and be merry
Come along with me
Step into Christmas
The admission's free

Can you imagine me singing it maniacally to you? Haha! I miss you ayang. Here's to us, all 2 years plus and more. Never met someone like you, and I know I never will. Intriguing, gentle, patient, passionate, beautiful, charming, funny, nonsensical all jumbled up into my one and only. You never fail to amaze me. *muahss.


The freaky snowman family.. (ayang look, the dog is actually not real. Nothing is.. Ahhhhh)


All you need is trust, and a little bit of pixie dust!

And to think it all started off with this, and random chats, and curiosity, and choice to just let go and let be. The heart has its reason that reason knows nothing of. How true. I love you baby.

Love

It's everything that's wrong in this world.

It's everything that's right..

Grrr

Why do i even bother staying up

it doesn mk a difference

and i dont get anything out of it

so why do i bother..

why?

We are one

I do absolutely nothing, lay back and just blast tasteful music into my

perfectly pink shelled ears.

Nothing else exists.

Nothing else matters.

Nothing else is real.

Just you..

And the music...

Bliss...

The feeling

Eyes wide open
an insane feeling
something's not right.
I've felt this before.
I wished I was home.
Only because the location would recognize the feeling.
Can't quite place it.
This feeling.
Felt it during my adolescent years.
Feeling of being neglected.
Fear forms a fort.
Surrounding us.
I thought I would outgrow this feeling.
But solitude is a never ending vicious circle.
And we're doomed to just be spinning around.
Endlessly, for all of time.

Update me, somebody..

What is happening to our country? I'm not exactly sure of the situation in Malaysia but I've read many articles and seen many clips and pictures from blogs to know that something is not right over there. Police using tear gases on people? Buses being held? Roads being blocked all for a gathering? I've heard that, that lawyer guy actually found the original statement and agreement of our independence stating that all citizens of Malaysia which means chinese and indians included are actually bumiputeras? and we actually have equal rights to everything else or what not. I'm too tired to think of this right now. Just hope there isn't another May 13 situation again. It's almost 4am. I'm going to bed. Worse comes to worse, if anything happens to our country I'm going to find an island, build a home and eat bananas all day.

XD

My sister.

The only person in my family who doesn't know about me.

I couldn't help but let out a sarcastic remark upon her bringing up the mention of her boyfriend in our family conversations again. I really don't care about his likes and dislikes. I really don't care that it'd be easier for him to eat at his favourite restaurant and see you at the same time now. I really don't care that he bought gifts for mum already although it would months till we return home for summer. Suck up.

Damn thing is I have no right to be upset over this though to me it just seems like she's gloating. But isn't that what people do when they're in love. They want to share it with the people that care. They want the world to know that they're happy and contented and I on the other hand can't do that.

Who would congratulate me upon having found someone to share my life with. Who would pat me on the shoulder and be happy for what I have. Who would have a shoulder ready for me when me and my girl are going through rough times and all I need is a little support.

No not them. Not my family. Because to them, my relationship is meaningless and my dreams of having it all are wishywashy.

But someday, I'll make u open your eyes.

I'll make you see her like I see her.

I'll make you love her like how I love her.

Someday...

Will you be mine?

i'm shabby, i'm poor,

i might be abhored,
my exterior looks old,
but my heart is made of gold
and i love you to bits
and refused to eat
for days i saved
and waited for the day
that i could buy u this single rose
to let u know
i'm urs forever more..

Sleep, sleep...
you give me a reason to dream,
a reason to close my eyes and smile,
knowing that it'll all be alright

Cry,cry...
you yet again leave me to die,
your words slashes my wrist, and i'm left to bleed,
won't you ressurect me again with your kiss

Fly,fly...
no higher can I
be just by the very thought of you in mind
makes me soar sky high, all through the night

Feel,feel...
making me know this is real,
that every blood that runs its course
carries all my love, intertwining with yours

Touch,touch...
with all my love and lust
wishing that you were in my bed
just holding each other from dawn to dusk

and

Love,love...
you taught me the meaning of,
knowing that your love is within me
i cannot escape this feeling of immortality

Love you, B...

But somehow, I just don't wanna know

Ah... nothing like a good dose of malarkey with a friend to bring me up again. Haven't spoken to her in quite awhile and just chatting with her brought me back to my old self again. Of course our chats consists of her denying she's a full pledged lesbian and me trying to convince her that she is infact one very major player on the all girl's team. Though she self claims to be "masculine", her only prove of it is that her 4th digit is longer than her 2nd. And as she proceeded to talk herself out of being a lesbian she expressed her love of guys profusedly...

-I love guys!
-I have faith in you! You just haven't found the right girl.
-No, but seriously. I love guys!
-You're trying to convince yourself that you do.
-Those hot ones really get my heart pumping. Haha
-Ewww.... Hey, I just realised I'm against normality.
-Stupid. But girls also.. Like those really pretty ones..

So she claims she's Bi. 70% into guys and 30% into girls. But asking her if she's ever been in love. Her answer would be yes. And with whom? A girl.. Yea but that doesnt necessarily mean she's a lesbian. We will never find out anyway, because she's extremely religious.

-You so have to experiment to know if you're more into girls or guys! What if later on you find out you're more into girls. And it's too late... *dum dum dum.. Cos YOU'RE MARRIED!!
-Hahaha.. Even if i'm more into girls, cannot do anything wat.I'm a christian. I have to sacrifice.
-Ask u, does it say anywhere in the bible that it's against the religion?
-Haha, I know exactly which verse it is man. I've researched. Can't remember which chapter but I've marked it all in my bible. I think that's the Only thing I marked.

Which kinda proves that she's just blocking her optional pathway, with a bible. I can't blame people like that though. I can't provide much of my opinions when it includes religions cos I'm just not sure myself. How is it, I've read before that religions in fact have nothing against homosexuality. What about all those churches for people like us. Are they just kidding themselves or does God really love his all His children and accept them for who they are?


I wonder...

Just one of Those days

There are just days where not one thing seems to be going your way and everything just makes your blood boil right till the meter bursts. Funny thing though, you would realise that it's not others around you that's the problem. It's you. And that's what's happening to me. Suddenly everyone around me just seems exasperating, annoying, stupid, wrong, very very wrong, idiotic, moronic, riling, etc.

And I know it's just me, but I can't help but just brood and hate everything that's within a two feet radius. Right now everything is just wrong, everyone is just wrong. If someone is making too much noise, they're a nuisance. If they're too silent, they're having some sort of attitude problem. If they're too hardworking and diligent, they're a damn show off. If they're not, then they're just plain donkeys'.

Gahh..

Blogging is not helping..

I'm gonna go kill a hamster..

A picture paints a thousand words..

my boredom

Yea well, what's a person like me to do right? So while she's doing her own thing. I got bored and decided to do this...

Beer Ads!

Love-Hate relationship

I am grateful for technology. For it's gadgets. The phones, the cpus', laptops, computer, all the internet, the lines. I'm thankful for all of those things.

It's because of all this technology that I managed to first start communicating with her without feeling nervous or shy and it decreased the chances of me acting socially retarded.

Our relationship grew from this. With endless SMSes, late night chats on the internet, and right before I left for Russia, the happiest I've ever been without proper sleep, my talk on the phone with her.

Even with the distance, we always manage to talk to each other all the time. It's like your right next to me. And I have technology to thank for.

But recently I've realised that this love for technology, is well, not necessarily turning into hate for I Am still ever so relieved of it's existence but somehow that's taking up more of her time that's meant for me.

I feel so torn...

Just kinda feeling dejected because of this...

And she doesn't know why...

I like this feeling..

If you fill yourself up with helium, could you float up and fly away?

If you first started walking with your hands rather than your feet, would you have more balance?

If you soak yourself in water for extreme amount of time, how wrinkly could you get?

I wonder why I never see that many porn that stars a black guy/girl as opposed to a white one.

I wonder why they always state the warning "Keep away from fire" on most your clothings. Which self respecting person who would buy clothes would play with fire close enough to have any damage on your clothes?

Why is it the first body part that you move, when you listen to music, is your feet. You move to the beat when your standing, when your sitting (the feet goes a tappin'), when your lying down... It's the feet! Well, for me it is.. Starts from the bottom up. From the feet, to the legs bouncing up and down then its the body swaying, the fingers snapping then it's the head bobbing. From then on your hair would probably be just flying about from the head banging and your just looking like a fool. Stop it!

Wow, pretty light headed from a certain tequila and lime drink I'm having.

Explains alot don't it?

X)

Dude.... XD

"Smart thinking.. "

To me, being smart is using the two same boxers you have again and again instead of using the newer ones you have. That way, when they're worned out, you still have new ones for spare. If you use everything you have, you'll just end up with many worned out boxers all at once.

I'm just saying....

Damn bored. Just came back from my friends' room, drinking and exchanging stories of our past, our present and what might become of our future. Would call it an enjoyable time but as I came back to my room I feel a sort of emptiness inside. I checked for messages on my laptop and my phone hoping to get any from the one person who could fill that void and take away all that I'm feeling right now...

None..

Guess she's still out. Forgot to change the time on my phone that's set to hers. Day lights saving. What the hell is that all about anyway.

Reminiscing about all the times we've spent together. I've never felt happier then. Just having you beside me, nothing can take away that blissful feeling I've had. Missing her so much.

In another event, I recently outed myself to my aunt. And her to me. We both had suspected about each other's life style long before but just didn't have the courage to speak up. But I'm glad I did, for having someone else elder and more experienced at what I'm going through makes me feel that I have someone to confide in.

Slightly relieved after letting all this out. Just realised.. I'm not alone..

Singaporeans blur on sex

After a whole night of preparing for yet another presentation (such a waste of time I tell you), my eyeslids were drooping and my smile was fading..

Till I came across this interesting piece of article which really made LOL.

Singaporeans blur on sex

MANY Singaporeans have been seeking help from doctors on how to have sexual intercourse, Sin Chew Daily reported yesterday.

Singapore Thomson Medical Centre (TMC) founder Dr Cheng Wei Chen said the hospital received several people every month, mostly university graduates, seeking their guidance on how to “do it”.

Its urology senior consultant Dr Lin Fa Cai said he once treated a woman who was married for 10 years and supposedly had sex more than 1,000 times, but was still a virgin.

Dr Lin said the husband, who had a doctorate degree, and his wife, who complained of being unable to conceive, sought help at the hospital.

“The couple told me they had sex about three times a week but when I examined the wife, her hymen was still intact.

“He had a doctorate degree but zero knowledge on sex,” he said.

Another doctor, who declined to be named, said a couple in their 30s sought help from Mount Elizabeth Hospital and Medical Centre for failing to conceive after seven years of marriage.

He said he found no problem with the couple but later discovered that the husband withdrew just before ejaculating.

*smacks head. I reckon this people have either have not been watching porn at all or in the other guy's case, been watching too much of it he litterally followed every step they made.

*imagines couple having sex with the aid of porno playing on thier tv. "You're almost done, honey? Take it out! Do what he does!"

But seriously, what are the odds of two people paired up, oblivious on how to perform sexual intercourse? I shall ponder on that in as I drift off tonight. And you shall have to ponder on how many times I have these sort of thoughts in my head before I sleep =D

Yea bebeh...

Just done preparing for tomorrow's presentation. Who would thought you would have to do that in med school. Felt a certain sort of emptiness as I woke up with an empty left wrist where my bracelet used to be. I suppose it's somewhere around, perhaps underneath the bed as I've searched every other possible place. Sigh..

Missing my B crazy right now. She'll be returning late again tonight. I'm sorry for that absurd fight we had yesterday. Guess we were both just tired. In dire need of a good hug from you right now, dear. Both the weather and myself are getting gloomy. Is that sentence grammatically correct? Damn, my English is deteriorating. Shall blame it on the Russians with their broken english and terrible pronounciation of everything. They mumble when they speak and they expect us to enunciate. Got used to speaking English the way they do.

"Give paper". My teacher says. So we dug out bags in search of a piece of paper to give her. Upon giving her the paper, she cocks her head to a side and gives us a puzzling look. "No no. For you. Give paper". WTH? Apparently 'Give' is 'Take' to her. Ok, we shall give her the benifit of the doubt that she's not that stupid and perhaps has gotten confused with the terms. We corrected her a few times, and well whaddaya know, she corrected us back. -_-'' Might I add she also thinks 'Open' is 'Close' and vice versa. So maam' I shall say to you, WHATEVA! Since you irritate the hell out me anyway, I shall leave it at that and hope you speak wrongly for the rest of your life. Peace!

I really have to..

Stop doing this to myself...

No more thoughts..

No more staring to nothingness..

No more stupid wishes..

No more..

No more..

I wonder...

Is it only me, or do other people imagine a rather sad looking baby chick whenever you eat yolk.




No worries. It's not like I'm vegetarian or an activist or anything. Was just wondering.. But then again, If you're vegetarian, would it alright to eat only the whites and leave the yolk behind? I wonder.. though many a times I've been told not to do so. For my sake and the sake of others who would have to answer my ridiculous questions....

To my baby girl

Dear, why did you have to work today? I prefer writing here then mailing I guess. Mis you.. Come back home safe okay? Always watch your back when walking to the station to make sure no one is following you. Speed up when you walk by what may seem like rowdy people or gangsters or drunks. I worry you have to travel so late at night. Ayg can't be there to take care of you, so dear have to take care ok? Remember to drink lots of water and to eat well. No sense in dieting. Sleep is essential. Dear have no work tomorrow so rest well through the night. Dream of me my angel for I shall dream of you. Love you lots baby girl. *hugs and kisses.

Only for you..

Ayang.

Boo!

Why oh why have I watched Shutter 4 times already? Hate watching ghost movies but only because it fills my head with far too much ideas. Already I have a hyper imaginative mind, it doesn't help that these shows adds to it. Everyone who thinks they know me like to assume that I'd be least afraid of all this nonsensical crap. Wish I could say that I wasn't. Well the one good thing about watching the same show far too many times is, I know exactly when to close my eyes or look away without the help of the eerie music in the scenes. So this time around, I honestly didn't see the ghost at all. Hope I don't see her tonight. You see what I mean by ideas getting in my head! I think too much! Anyway I had a good laugh watching my friend(the one who made me watch the damn show with) watch the scary parts and scream her lungs out while I knowingly shut my eyes. Hehe.. BOO!

Love..

Every where I go, I'm surrounded by love. Not the act of it towards me. I mean I do get that too, but I see it in everything. People trying to get love, people in love, people broken hearted over love. Isn't it just such a cruel invention of God. For all the suffering that one has to endure to obtain this blissful feeling that everyone yearns for but most seldom get. Never quite understood the whole concept for it, for what you feel is exactly what you need. The heart wants what it wants. Can't change that fact. I'm glad I have what i need. I fulfilled the desire my heart once ached for and I have only you to thank for, my love.

I'm so pretty, oh so pretty and witty and....

Lance Bass (Nsync), Howie D (BSB), Mark Feehily (Westlife), Stephen Gately (Boyzone), Dave Moffatt (The Moffatts)

Who can guess what these boy band members have in common? Reminiscing the old days and the music me and my friends used to listen to back when were clad in dark blue pinafores with white socks pulled up high above our ankles I suddenly came to realisation that all my favorite boy bands have at least one member in their band who is homosexual.

The funny thing about is when we were younger and we used to have crushes on the members of our liking, we'd always defend the ones we used to like by saying that the others were gay and not worth liking. Turns out, the ones that we pinpointed out Were in fact gay. Nevertheless their music has given me memories of gold throughout my adolescence. And for those of you who still think their music is gay, well who cares, they are, so bite me.

Blargh

Been browsing for old songs for about 2 hours now. And it all started by me singing "A little bit of soap" by the fabulous echoes ( i think) while I was bathing. And also while I was browsing for Lilo Stitch, I found a couple of Elvis's videos. Started watching those and continued on to searching for Simon and Garfunkel,The Carpenters, Bread, Lobo, Paul Anka, Seals and Croft, England Dan, and Peter Paul and Mary. I'm so into the those oldies right now, I forgot about the present. Suppose to be reading up for tomorrow's class. Really not in the mood right now.

Haven't been blogging for awhile. Nothing much to say I guess. It's all same old same old in this hell hole. (In deep voice) Welcome all, thank you for tuning in. News update for Moscow, Blue skies have long turned grey. Weather here is starting to get a little chilly(5celcius). It snowed last week for 2 days and immediatly cleared up after that. No reports of rain or snow so far but the leaves on the trees have already turned it's colour. Sun rises later, sun sets earlier. Bla bla.

The only exciting news here for today would be the damn rat that stays in between the walls where the pipes are stole my damn beef that was defrosting in the bathroom. End up eating canned food. Damn rat.

Why can't I find anything interesting to blog about?
I'm bored.
I think I need to get out more often.
Baby, can't believe you're asking me to blog.
Wonder what you're doing now.

That's it, I'm going to continue listening to oldies. Air supply, hope you can supply me with more than that.

Birthday Baby

Happy Birthday Ayang..



I am deeply grateful for this day you were brought into this world. I can't stop thinking how dull and monochromatic my life would have been without you.

Baby, how I long to be there with you now, showering you with my kisses and spoiling you silly with truckloads of gifts. We'll make it a big one when we Do get to celebrate it together okay? Have a blast on this day my darling, you deserve to.

So here's for today, an extremely special day, my baby's day.

Your face I could stare forever
Your smile brings me a silly grin
Your voice sings a melody so perfect
Your patience keeps me sane
Your coaxes hush my anxieties
Your touch elevates my senses
Your kisses fly me to paradise and back
Your ways boggle me endlessly
Your presence makes me feel alive
Your anguish my despair
Your elation my euphoria
You are that puzzle I was searching for; that void I longed for to be filled; that overwhelming hollowness before you, the one.
I love you.






Always in my thoughts.. forever here with you,
Key's.

Brr

Contrast of weathers. Taken only weeks apart. The chilly weather is approaching rapidly. Gahhhhh........

Mushy Wushy Lovey Dovey for my Hunny Bunny

=( Hrmph baby's not having any net for the time being because she has to shift out from her room. Poor thing. Plus she's sick and tired and her classes are crazy packed. Sigh.. I really really wish I was there with her, to take care of her, spend time with her, waking up in the morning and finding baby lying next to me =) I don't like this distance. I hate it so much I rather not go through it.. Hmm imagine if you were here with me. You studying medicine and me studying my own thing. You would come back after classes and me after mine, cook together, settle in and watch TV together, make love in the night and drift off till the morning, walks in the park, silly jokes we come up together, holding hands.. It really doesn't seem to be asking much isn't it? Funny how something as simple as that takes a whole lot to achieve. Why is life full of paradoxes like that? Anyway love, just to tell you that I love you and miss you dearly on this silent night.

This is what's going on. Microbiology lecture. A gigantic lecturer with extremely rough voice and about 80 over students. All concentrating on microorganisms.

And this is what I'm drawing... On my lecture table. Happy Humping my creatures!

I'm afraid.. that when I a told a friend who recently went abroad to study that missing home is normal. That she just needed time to get used to it. That you'll be ok later.

What if by 'it' I meant the depression. The loneliness.

Yea, I'm bored, and I suddenly had this crazy idea of putting up Fatal Frame 3 pictures up on my blog. Luckily I came to my senses and decided not to.

Actually, in truth, I Did browse for them, and got kinda freaked out, so I quickly closed the page. Hehe...

Gonna put up pics I took today in my Histology deparment instead.

Feel free to laugh..

My histology department... Yeahh.. Proud to be studying here... bluekkk

Welcome to Hell!!!

There was seriously nothing else to take in this department. It's boring. It's dull. It's all grey and the reason why I'm studying here is because it's cheap! muahahhaa... -_-''

See, what I mean bout me being a phychiatrist? In the past week, about 5 different people have come to me just looking for someone to share their problems with. Thinking about this I realised that some of the friends that I was close to for a short period of time all have issues. Okay, I didnt just realise this now, cause other people have pointed it out to me. So now the question is, if I'm listening to other people's problems. Who's listening to mine? Who's giving me advice on how to go through life? I sometimes feel lost in this world.

What's the purpose of life? Can't be asking yourself that question when you're at a state of complete unawareness of your surrounding. Don't think this month is a very good month. Too many rising situations you wish you were far away from.

Confession: I don't believe most of the things I preach on.

What can we do?

Let us all just pray...

For a miracle..

For a sign..

For faith..

That one day life and all it's problems will unravel itself and there would just a perfect day. Where you can just look up to the sky and say..

I'm Happy..

One day, just one day, we'll complete the cloning process and bring you back to life my friend, Lenin.

G.U.M. One of the most expensive places to shop but heck it's pretty.

You can see the Kremlin from here. If you tip toed a bit more...........You'll still be seeing the same thing.. Dumbassss....

Right! I did everything I could to make him smile or laugh, or frown at least but damn it he just stood still. Should try flashing him someday. That would throw him off!

Sigh, I feel like I'm still in Msia, only because the internet connection is sucky. It got better this morning, then it got worse. Used to be so proud of the fact that Russian net had roadrunner speed. *beep beep. Bleh. Feel like the damn coyote.

So suppose to be studying but just.. can't.. reach .. for the book.. ahhh.. Lazyyyyy. I'm not cut out to be a med student! No shit! I don't have the qualities, I'm not determined, I hate studying... I like listening to people's problems and just talk to them about it and try to relate and ahhhh.. I should have been a psychiatrist or something. Isn't it easier than studying medicine. I mean, to me all you have to do is just sit down in an air-conditioned room, and listen to people go on and on about their life and the mistakes they made and most of the time they come to their own conclusion on what they should do. I am aware how totally stupid I just made myself sound. I don't care.

Cmon reach for the book man! Ahh, CVS, ahhh diagrams of hearts, which don't exactly look like hearts to me. Why can't hearts be shaped like hearts. I think it would much simpler that way. Gahhh stupid net. Glad this autosaves.
--------------------------------
Just done cleaning my comforter cover. B vomited all over it while she was here. Guess her stomach coudn't adjust to the food here, or I didnt take good enough care of her =( Anyway, had to wash the whole thing myself because the washing machine coudn't eat anymore of my clothes. Soaked it in the tub for awhile and scrubed it too. Even had to wring the damn thing with my hands. Was so into cleaning the damn thing, my roomate came sneaking up on me and went Ooooo... Freaking gave me a heart attack I almost whacked her with the brush. "Fucker!". Washing clothes is somehow amusing for me at times. Ecspecially finding pubic hair stuck on to it. "Hmm.. doesn't look like mine. Must be hers!" Muahahahha.. Well finding it on underwear is a norm, but finding it on a comforter cover.. Makes me think back on when and where I had my hand, and what I was doing at that time.. Ahahahha.. K, I'm so going out of my mind. Out of line.. out of line! Kakakakakkaa... Forgive me, I'm not myself today. Bumming around the room for two days is hazardous. Wanted to go out but it's bladdy hell raining. My net's not fine, my roomate is busy writing gay porn and everyone is just sleeping. Lazy asses...
-------------------------
Yey, my friend just gave me a kaya bun she baked herself. But biting into it, I saw no kaya. Frustrated, I bit deeper and harder into it, that all the kaya poured out the sides and onto my leg. Normally, I would just lick my leg but not wanting to seem uncivilized, I had to wash it all away =( there goes my kaya.

Life sucks...

Pics..

The view from window.. Just helllotta buildings from my side...

I was at the balcony at the end of my corridor, and saw Sveta, a serious butch with her German Shepard puppies! I reached my hand out and pointed my camera down aiming at the dogs, but as I was watching the screen on my camera, I wondered why it seemed like she was looking up at me. She was! Fuck! And she waved.. I hope she doesn't think I'm taking her pic instead. She make me her bitch or something..

The view from the balcony.. Look nicer at night, forgot where I put that pic of it.. hmmmm.

My room, after all the shit has been cleared...

Welcome to Russia

Gawd, it's been so long since I've updated. Guess just wasn't really into it. Oh well, first things first is I'm back in this hell hole. Russia sucks. Glad I have my friends here or I'd be so fucking lonely. Woke up like friggin' early in the morn to get to the airport and was so friggin' late boarding the plane. You wouldn't believe the amount of students that were on the same flight. Saw so many familiar faces. Too many. The flight back was long and tiring. Only thing that was good about the flight is the personal LCD screens that we each get. Watching shows and listening to songs along the way made the flight less stressful. At that time, Elvis's death anniversary was near so they had plenty of his albums and movies such as G.I Blues. As I was watching it, I could see weird stares towards me and my screen as the people walked by the aisle. What's wrong with watching an old film, man! Bluek. Gosh, It's morning here and I'm just crapping away.

Anyway, we touched down at about 5, if I'm not mistaken. And lo and behold, of course that would be problems at the immigration. It's Russia! Duh! Just because I had changed to a new passport, and the number on my visa isn't the same, I had to pay an extra 10Usd just for them to take a black pen, cancel off my old number and write in a new one. Useless! 10Usd, burned! Welcome to Russia!

Wouldn't even wanna begin the story of our journey home from the airport to the hostel. Let's just say, that I was so pissed at the driver, I stole his file, threw my head in the air and laughed, hoping that what I stole was something important to him. Turned out, it wasn't so much his documents in it, rather just some nonsensical papers. Ah, fuck it.

Returning to our old room, we dropped our bags and our jaws upon seeing the state of it. It was a mess, and fuck it we were much to tired from the journey to clear anything up, so we slept in our neighbours room. Woke up at 5a.m the next morning just to pay our fees. Ah, dealing with the Russians and their sloth moving speed. That's a whole day wasted. Even being the first to arrive there, we only managed to get everything done at 3 in the afternoon. Welcome to Russia, for all those new students who had to go through that shit, not expecting the wait they had to endure. Hahaha...

So next step after paying your fees? Registering for the uni. Another day wasted! Went there at 11 upon finding out that they had now changed their schedule. 1500- 17.00 it wrote on their door. Buncha lazy asses. Could you only work for that long? So we sat there, waiting. Me and my friend got bored so I took out a notebook and started writing gay porn. I attempted illustrate some of the images stuck in my head, but even the stick people came out funny. hahah..

After waiting a good few hours, the door finally opened. Entering the room, I had all the documents needed in my hand, just ready to pass it to this bug eyed lady. Running through all the papers, she looked at me and said lazily in Russian, "you changed your passport?" .

Shit! "Erm... Yea..".

"Where is it?"

Fuck!

"In my hostel"

She threw everything back at me. "I can't do this today". Ahh, fuck you! Can't you just do what you need to to do and I'll give it to you tommorow? It's not like your doing anything today. You're just collecting the documents. No, apparently. So what the fuck, I ran all the way back to my hostel, which is a good 20minutes away and ran back only to see the line in front of the door has lengthen. Go Die! I pushed my way to the front and lied to everyone that all my documents had been taken and all i need to do was give my passport. Even then, I had to wait for another hour or so. I went home at 5. Fucking Russians!

I would think by then, most of my problems were far away with the two main goals achieved. Nope, as always, It's Russia. There's always something coming up. I now have to shift to another room, because according to them, my block is old, and they SSoooooo Neeeedd to redo everything. Remont, they call it. I thought I was immuned to this shit, but hey, guess they can still find new ways to reach their hands right through my body and squeeze all my fucking intestines so I can say Shit!

Welcome to Russia... Welcome to Hell..

Choices, my love

Sayang,
Pick one that takes your fancy. Asap! =) *kisses for baby* Love you darling.

Time of Duty*
Stainless steel, glowing, date shown (strap is silver and stainless steel)





Twirl
Stainless steel, water resistant 30m. date shown (strap is silver and stainless steel)






Happy Joe Blue
Stainless steel, water resistant 30m, date shown (strap silver and stainless steel)




Red Vibration
Stainless steel, day & date shown, water resistant 30m (strap stainless steel). I think this one stands out, but I'm not sure if the red will come off over time.







Faraways
Stainless steel, date shown, water resistant 30m (strap is steel and stainless steel). The blue face colour is actually darker.






Dark Blood*
Stainless steel, glowing, date shown, water resistant 30m (strap is silver and stainless steel)





And sayang, all these watches are secured with the clip/lock thing you wanted. The * means the face is larger than the average others (which is only the first and last one, average = 50 cent coin). Hope baby like at least one of them! Love you love you =)))))


Key's.

Lonely in my heart

lonely in my heart
i hear a distant melody
It sings a mocking song
as i try to sleep

deserve this you have
oh you wretched fool
wrenching in your heart
can never be cooled

suffer away to nothing
that is what you are
you can't escape this feeling
loneliness has gone too far

too deep, too deep
i cried in anguish
oh why allow me to live
when I know I should perish

and as I said those words
Your light done shone on me
showing me all in truth
that I could be set free

Nodding knowingly
I let out a sigh
Accepting what I've chosen
I swear I'd never say goodbye

For in all that is evil
There is more of pure
And my realisation of this
More than ever I am now sure

Shutting my view
I begin to drift
No longer I hear the melody
Smiling as I sleep

3 more days

I had originally planned to type a more lively post about my activities yesterday. Somehow just not in the mood right now. Can't quite put my finger on it, but I just feel down. Missing B as usual. I know she's worrying about the visa that she's yet to apply. I worry about her worrying and of course I am too worrying about the visa. But I can't let it out, can I? Gotta stay strong. So many things running through my mind right now I can't quite focus on one. Packing my luggages takes all the energy out of me. It's all like a damn puzzle trying to figure out which and what fits where so that all of the space in between is filled with something somehow. And all the worrying about what I might leave out. I wrote a list of Things-To-Bring. My sister didn't take it too seriously and started adding her own list of nonsense in. She got quite a nag from me.

Somehow as I'm stressed and wound up about something, my thoughts always turn to B. I know she goes through alot and I have to give her props for being so independent all of the time. Know that I never respect anyone more than I do her. She has all of my awe set on her. I know that I could never be half of what she is. I'm proud of you B. I hope you know that. Love you lots.. Missing you more... Everyday..

Been feeling so tired these few days. Have I mentioned this? I don't quite remember. Seem to be repeating myself without realising. Anyway, I'm off to bed to see my dream girl.

Nitez~

I lie everytime I console you,

i don't think it's okay

i miss you

won't you console me for a change

say that it'll be alright

that you'll always be mine

that distance between lovers matters not

and if it does, it's only to make us strong

and I shall bow down to every word you say

for without you, i would astray

be that light that guides me from fear

and that would be all I ask from you, dear.

I just got off the phone with you but already I'm missing you like hell. Hell hurts. It's like your carrying boulders in your heart. I need you. I miss you..

First off, I'm most prolly gonna take this Moji thing off me blog on account that it can't read me right and it's pissing me off at times. I know you're cute and all you lil fur ball, but you do me no good. Paniatnia? (means 'understand' in Russian).

Speaking of Russian.. I'll be going back to that hell hole next week. Kinda bumms me out everytime I think of it. Trying to enjoy my last days here, and so far it's been giving me bad tummy aches. (Stuffing yourself with a year's amount of food is just plain silly. Don't do it!) Still, I don't wanna regret not having it all, so yea, it's a painful kinda pleasure.

Tak, Rossia, ya idu. Kaneshna, ya ni khachu, no, shto delat. Da?
(So, Russian, I go. Of course I don't want to, but, what to do. Right?)

--------------------------------
Gwen Stefani had her concert yesterday. And I assume that it would prolly be somewhat of an experience that she never would like to have ever again, thus canceling every thought of returning to this country. At times like this that I'm somewhat sadden to say that I'm a Malaysian. To assume that just because a person comes from a country that has a different culture from ours, she wouldn't be able to respect it and act accordingly. As I read, she had even promised to cover up every inch of her bare skin, even wearing leotards underneath her skirts. I would imagine the shock she gets when she gets up stage and looks down upon her fans, dressing more obscenely that she is (cos i'm sure that would be the case). Does PAS really think that their suggestion of banning the concert would really make a difference in the acts of youths these days when there are so many other influences out there? I dunno. Just seems kinda stupid to me. Well, that's just me blabbering at 2 in the morning. Don't come finding me for saying all this crap.

In another matter, I had almost put this video up till I realised that it's not really a good idea. Seeing how he's already in trouble, I wouldn't like to seem like I'm supporting him in any way. I don't understand how some people have so much time to do all this. To create a rap based on your country's song. Too free ahhh. Perfect timing too seeing as how Malaysia's 50th year of independence is coming up. Was just sitting down and trying to think of all that Malaysia's accomplished over the years, somehow nothing else was entering my mind except for all the years that we've managed to cook up the biggest dish, be it mooncake or yee sang or kuih lapis or something or other. Can't quite remember, but I'm sure it's recorded in the Malaysia's Guinness Book of record. Well, it's food, and we're Malaysians. It's the only combination that is farely well known throughout the country. You could litterally hear the clicks from our brains to our stomachs. It's an instant connection.
-----------------------------------
While playing my guitar today, I recalled having writtten a couple of songs back in the days (cheh wahh.. back in the days.. makes me sound freaking old eh?) Fine it was just back in the days when I was still emotionally retarded, writing corny poems and crappy songs. I used to write in on any piece of paper I had at the moment and the one I found is all yellow and faded. It's an additional drama that would occur when a song or lyric pops into my head and I'd be so afraid of losing it that I'd sing it over and over again till I manage to find a piece of paper and a pen. And sometimes I would have so much mental music going on that I'd be just scribbling the paper trying to jot it all down, and at the end of it I'd just plop down on the floor, exhausted like I've just done a 3 hour exam. I remember playing it in a vehement manner once everything is done, just so full of emotions......

Just to realise that you've wasted your time, because it sounds like crap..

Em7, Bm, Caad9, G
Found the pieces of my heart,
Trying to put them back together,
It used to hurt when we're apart,
Now it's gonna hurt forever,

Em, A
Cos since you've walked out that door,
I want you back no more,
You're just a distant memory,
And in time you will be gone.

Chorus: D,A,G,A
Wasted my time, trying to find someone,
That I had in mind, in you,
Now that's it clear, I'll tell you my dear,
That my biggest mistake was you....

It continues on, but I change my mind about typing it all down. I just wanted to preserve my childhood (which much contains stupidity and callowness). Perhaps looking back on this post in the future, I would find this all amusing. It's my hope that I do actually continue to grow as a person and if I do not, well, let's just say some hospital somewhere is gonna end up with a really
quacked up doctor.

PS: Baby, don't ever ask me to sing that song for you. Just somehow felt like you would. Don't!

To my moji. To let it sink in your head, I'm upset. I'm depressed. I'm feeling very down, I feel weak, I feel like I have the life sucked out of me. She's not replying. I doubt she ever would. She's not the type to do that. I know her. I feel even more vulnerable after that SMS. I feel like shouting out, but I know no one would listen. My dog does I think. He too has been feeling rather down. He sits by me and we mope together. sigh..

ps: I wanna cry..

I'm waiting for a reply from you. You haven't SMS-ed yet. Time somehow feels like it's slowing down. I try to focus on a book I'm reading but my eyes are just running through the words. I barely comprehend the text.

Time ticks away...

It's been more than a few hours...

I shall not rest till you reply..

I can't rest in peace just yet..

I just can't...

Not sure what I'm feeling right now. Seems like this is the only place I can vent and pour myself out because if i fucking keep this to myself, I'm gonna be messed up the whole day. Have you ever felt like no one else in this world cares about you. About what you think, or how you're feeling, or how you would put so much on the line just to get nothing in return. Been feeling like that the past few days and this is top notch. I really just feel like breaking down and crying right now. I have so much in me that I need to let out and I just can't somehow. I've been ignored, pushed around and right now I feel like I've been stomped on. I stood, for half an hour, pressing my ear so hard that it left a mark, just so I could hear better. I tried everything I can, and what do I get? Nothing. Zilch. I litterally feel weak now. I can hardly stand straight. My mind is just racing with thoughts of deep, dark, nothingness. How am I gonna get thru the day... I feel so lost. Call me emotional, but I feel unwanted. All I needed was for you to say, "Are you ok?". You're not the only going through this. And if I'm the one comforting you, and you don't do the same or at least repeat the gesture back, then where or who am I gonna get it from? So this is how I'm handling it. I'm letting it all go here. Feeling so disorientated and confused. You wouldn't even SMS to see if I'm alright. I know you won't. Sigh.. I wanna lie down but I know I have to go out already. Wish I could just lock myself away from everything. I just wanna huddle up in a corner and hide for the rest of my life. Sigh... I pray to God for now, to just let me get thru the day. Let me fine. Help me put this thoughts to rest. I might get out of hand if I don't. With no one to fall back on, all I need to do is just console myself. "Are you alright?" .. "I'm fine. Thank you for just asking. Cos that's all I needed." Fuck, I'm starting to talk to myself again. I'm going crazy aren't I? I should this right now. I have to go. No one's blaming you, though. I never have, I never will. Just ignore this if you want to. I know you'll be reading. I just needed to get this out of my system.

Damn thing better not be sleeping all the time like B's. Gonna be furious if it doesnt wake up from it's slumbers!

Doh Mor ob dis

EEEyeaaa.. just used up a whole box of tissues. It's been raining. Nope, not outside.. not from my eyes... but from my NOSE! Did I say pouring? I mean really, really pouring down! With thundering sounds!

"AaaaaaaAaaaaaaaaaaAaaaaaaaaChhhhhhhoooooooooooo"

*sniffs* Thee wat I'mb thaying? Habing bad sinus brobem 'ere. *sniff sniff*. Itd' the resultd' ob clearin out all mbai ol stuffe. Been talkin' dis way the 'hole day. Mbai sister hab been disterbin' m'be too!

"Should I clear this out?"
"Doh. Hi wanna kheepit,"
*Giggles to herself* "What did you say?". "Want me to throw it?"
"Doh!"
"What?" *laughing even more now*
"DOH!"

And she breaks out into a song of Do-Re-Me. ~Doh a dear, a female deer........~
Stupid kid. Try saying 'No' with your nose close and see if You can. XP

It's a real problem having this stupid sinusitis. When I was small I used to think I was sick all the time having flu. I've been blowing my nose the whole day, and when I had finished up the tissue paper in my room, I went on using toilet tissue paper, which has a slightly rough surface (makes me wonder how I use this to wipe my ass). After using it 3 or 4 times I gave up because it was felt like sandpaper against the top of my lip. My skin even peeled a bit and being the genius that I am, I took heat rub ointment and put a whole gunk of it below my nose >< Eyeeowwww... Burn... ahhh burning .. burning!

So now, my nose is leaking, my top lip is burning, tears are welling up and I'm hopping around waiting for it to go away. And all I wanted to do today was clear my cupboard. Guess that's what you get for being diligent. I shan't repeat that mistake again..

Mojikan Widget

Just updated my baby girl's blog by putting up... a... Mojikan Widget.. =D huhuhuh. A mojikan widget is used to express what you write on your blog according to your words. It inteprets your mood and emotions. If I'm not mistaken there quite a number of expressions that he can perform. Can't wait to see them on baby girl's blog. Provided that she blogs... *hint HINT*. Was tempted to put one up for myself, but only to see what it's reaction would be if I were to keep announcing that I'm gay. Prolly would just take the word as "happy and carefree" and prance around. Still, I'm curious to know if it would all of a sudden 'cross-dress' and walk around like those flamboyant gay guys you see on TV. Hehehe.. then again.. my imagination does take me quite far, so I doubt I wouldn't need the sight of it to truly amuse me. Huhuhu


Yea, can't think of anything else better to put in the caption bubble. It's true anyway, so why bother XD

Balik kampung.. oooohhh Balik kampung..

YECH... Had one of those "gatherings"/"reunion"/"celebration". YECH and DOUBLE YECH. My love for this sort of ocassions are only when I actually know people that would be there... Gagss.. Celebrating an old lady's birthday is not exactly what I call a hip party.. OK OK.. R E S P E C T is in order. Gotta salute her too since these days it's hard to live up to that age still being healthy.

Thing I hate about all this Chinese reunions are the self name introduction (and most of the time that doesnt work.. hafta mention who's 'kia' you are) and repeating yourself so many times just gets so tiring. I suggested name cards and tags but no one would take heed of what I'm saying. Bugger!

Next on the list of 'Why I hate these reunions'! (Don't really have a list, but if I did sit down and made one, I'm pretty sure it'd be long!). Remembering the names of all the aunts and uncles. I don't get it. Why can't I just call everyone uncle and aunty. It's like a test to see if I really can remember all their names. *faints* It's like history lessons all over again, learning old peoples names. Best thing is to stick next to mum, and she'll do a brief run through.

"Yes yes, this is Im Poh, that is Chim Poh, the one in red is Kim Poh, and the one who looks really fat is Gor Poh"

*Sits down and memorizes the faces and names*

"OK OK, now that is Pek Kong, the bald wan is Ku Kong, the wan with no teeth wan is Tiau Kong........"

"What? What? Who is what?"

"Aiyo, start again!"

*takes down notes this time*

"Again!" And so she repeats.

"Right, right.. Fat bald wan..... skinny but big butt wan.... tongkat wan... "

And my mum doesn't only give names to it all. (Sorry, did I say 'it'? I mean respected, knowledgable, aging humans.) She gives their history on everything else like who they married and how they got married and description of all their kids and where they are right now and their health status and what surgeries their getting and ... gosh.. this is all too much to take in.

So most of the time I listen and try to absorb what I can, though I'm pretty sure most of it just comes out the other ear. Oh well =p What's the point right? Besides, there's always next reunions where the whole darn thing will repeat itself anyway.

~Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it~ George Santayana

Everything seems a little better.


Even as I walk into the room, i realised it was a little brighter.


I felt lighter..


I felt different..


Everything was finally clear, after such a long period of time.


I finally did it...


I found my glasses..


Yey...

You're never really that far, when you're so close to my heart

Can't even begin to say how much I'm missing you. It's hard being so far away from you sometimes. I wish you were here. All the time.

But just being able to love you and be loved back is worth all this suffering, this torture, this heart ache, because knowing that you're out there, thinking of me while I'm thinking of you.. keeps me sane. Keeps me going.

It's funny that you feel the least amount of loneliness with the person farthest away from you.

No one else but you, B

No one else but you..

I wonder who are you dreaming of tonight

Baby I Miss You So Much.. =`(

I'm Coming Out

Lol, just by the title you probably get the gist of it all. Since I've been back, I've been meeting up with friends, catching up on each other's life. Of course, most of the time all people love to do is hear their own voice and blow their own horns instead of asking the rest 'what's new?'. Lol. Typical. It's been so long since we've all met up and all we wanna do is "share".

Anyway, I've been cornered many times by the 'mother of all questions' which wasn't very unexpected because ever since we all hit puberty, it's that main goal everyone's reaching for.

Friend: Have you gotten yourself a boyfriend?
Me: *yawns* Nope. (the yawning is to act nonchalant or to cover up any signs written on my face)
Friend: Are you sure?? (She wiggles her eyebrows and starts poking me)
Me: *yawns again* (must try very hard to resist!) Yes, yes. I Don't Have A Boyfriend.

Which is actually very true. I'm not lying or anything. I'm just... not telling the truth. I'm fine about spilling the beans to them. I just don't like doing it when everyone's all together. I can just imagine how it'd be. All the bulging eyes, the jaw drops (for some who are That blur), the hands planted on the table so they can lean forward just to gawk at you even more ( you would think that it affected their eyesight or their hearing or something) and all of a sudden no one has any control over the volume of their voices.. yech.. just thinking about it.. hhahaha I know all this is just my imagination. Watched too much TV. But really, I rather just come out to my friends when we're one on one.

So far, I've already told a few close ones. And the main reason I let go with them is because they sort of already figured out all along. I'm glad the people I've come out to have accepted it with open arms and an open mind. And as I quote my dear friend, "It's only wrong, if you yourself think it's wrong," grinning as the said it.

Looking at the title and writing this, that Diana Ross song constantly keeps playing in my head. Guess it fits the post... =p "I'm..coming.. I'm coming.. I'm coming out.. I want the world to know.. Gotta let it show... I'm coming out...". And now it's 'Little by Little' by Oasis. Ahh... I gotta stop doing this. It's almost 3a.m here and I need sleep. Till next time.. Key.. Out.. muahahha.. Lame..

Wee.. finally feel like blogging. Partly it's because I have absolutely nothing else to do, or I wouldn't rather do it. I am still on the face-stuffing phase but I have been exercising regularly so it sort of evens it out.... I hope.... Been overeating these few couple of days that I feel so bloated most of the time. Visiting my relatives hasn't exactly been a good thing for my stomach. It's the usual, "Aiyo, you so thin liao!" and the "You don't eat over there wan ah?". I've even gotten a "Oh my gawd, what's wrong with you?". What the hell's wrong with me? OKay, so I lost a few back then, I'm gaining it now. I'm not That skinny. Besides, with the way these people are stuffing food down my throat, by the time I return back to Russia, I'd probably end up obese. It doesn't help that I don't do much the whole day. Only past time around here for me would be making sure my ass print is on the couch. We shall alternate between playing Kingdom Hearts 2 and watching movies!

Speaking of which, if anyone is about to watch Vacancy ( that new show with Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale) please don't waste your time and money. It was that sort of show you could summarize in a minute, totally predictable and it didn't have a proper ending. Yeeeesh.. Basically it was just a couple running around, away from people in masks. And as usual the characters in there are never really that smart. But then again, you'd realise everytime you watched a show, almost everytime you would hear someone remark, "Man, why the hell is she so stupid! She should have done that..." or " Man, if it were me, I would have done this instead... " Makes you wonder if that person Really was in a similar situation what would they Really have done. Most of the time I'd just imagine them running around in circles, hands thrown in the air. Now That's what you would have done!

I also watched Gray Matters the other day. I once saw the trailer for it online quite sometime back and I've wanted to watch it ever since. But when I came back here to Malaysia, I just couldn't remember why I was so eager to. And.... after watching it halfway.. with my mother.. I realised why. Loved the synopsis of it, but of course that would only be me seeing as how I could relate to the movie. My sister on the other hand just watched the whole damn thing and said.. " I don't understand. It wasn't much of a story,". Ooh I could just bang her head with the TV remote. Over all it's a typical romantic comedy with the typical 'You love my wife?' line, just with a play of different genders. One of the main facts why I love that movie is because there's Rachel Shelley who plays the role of Helena Peabody in the L word. *grins from ear to ear*.

But I must admit that I didnt quite enjoyed the movie as much as I knew I could. Mainly it's because I was sitting in between both my mother and my sister and the fact that I know that She knows I'm gay doesn't really put me in a comfortable position. I kept glancing over to her side to see how her reaction towards everything is. And I'm just waiting for her to cringe everytime a character supported lesbianism in that show. She surprisingly didn't. Either way, I'm hoping to trick her into watching more of these shows, so as to brain wash her and her simple mind. No joke.. Hehehe.. Wish me Luck!