Top 5 American Idol..

So cute! Can u guess who is who..

Ha Ha.. I am too free on account of Hitler's week, my Surgery class got canceled and the fact that my Russian teacher is ill, I now have a whole day dedicated to wasting time and ... well that's about it i guess.. Wasting Time..

Helluuuu... :D

Another week gone by, another round of eliminations of season 8's American Idol.. Finally Anoop The 'Sai' has gone out along with Bulat (lil Rounds). With Buta(Scott) gone too the season is finally getting interesting, though we all know that Adam Lambert would be the one at the finals, I'm anxious to know who would be standing next to him. Mr.Perfect (Danny Gokey), or Rebel Teen Redhead (Allison Iraheta). I doubt Mr.Sweet (Kris Allen) or Pimple Head ( Matt Giraud) would make it that far.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not one of those fanatic people who think American Idol is all that. Honestly, in my opinion we all watch the show just because we get the opportunity to kick back and pass judgements at contestants at our will without any thrown back at us. At the same time we get to insult the judges too :D What's with the booing of Simon by Randy, Every Single Time they introduce him. It's getting old and kinda lame. And Paula, you try so hard to come up with different kinds of metaphor to describe each performance, but you end up sounding like a bumbling idiot. Plus, you stutter everytime you talk. Makes you seem kinda slow =/ Huhu. This is fun. See, this is all human nature. The reasons why people read gossip columns and watch E!

Ehh, anyway it's just a way to past time..

Just like me writing this post. I wanna go out, but kinda worried i might run into a gang of hooligans and skin heads and might just get bashed up real good for not just staying put in my room. I posted that up on my display message.. "Fk, i wanna go out" and my mum asked me bout it.

Mum: is Fk meant to be The "bad word"
Me: Yea, i really wanna go out, is all.
Mum: So naughty.
Me: Wokay, I'll change it then =p
Mum: Yea, cos if not, your sister might scold you.

See anything wrong there?

She's cool in that way. She knows me inside out. I'm a good kid and all so i guess she lets me be. Sis on the other hand, probably knows only the side of me that i let her see. Can't hide anything from mum. Knowing that I'm gay, or lesbian or whatever, she can tell me she won't be surprised if one day i come up to her and tell her I'm pregnant. Which is odd for me, but i guess she can actually figure me out despite me being all whacky and a kook.

Another 2 more months before i get back home. So much to catch up on. Can't wait for the day i step into that house of mine.. and sigh.. Home.. Sweet Home.. I actually saw that written on a floor mat belonging to one of the Juniors and i was so tempted to write at the bottom, 'Are you stupid or something. This is not Home'. Haha, but my friend stopped me. Anyway i guess everyone is just trying to make do around here. It ain't too shabby. But it's not home..

Nothing like home.

;)

To the only woman in my life

Happy birthday.

May you have a great one ;)

Losses in life..

We keep moving on, not even stopping to take a breath of air, because we can't afford to. We can't stop the things around us from spinning because if we do, we see things clearly. We have to come to terms as to what we've lost. But there are just times, when you get so tired of spinning. Tired of hiding. Tired of denial. Time catches up with you and everything sinks in.

breaking down.. breaking down..

Mother has been so upset recently. She confides in me because i understand. She breaks down when she's alone. Loss of a mother is not something one can get over with ease. Loss of a home, makes you feel unsafe.

worry.. I worry..

If she'll be ok without me. I worry about myself. Everything that I've lost recently in life, is all safely hidden away for the time being.

Denial.. denial..

Will i have to face it one day, or can i push it so far behind me that it'll merely be a speck in my life. Would i want that?

Prayers and faith.

Strength and courage.

Take me far.
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May the things we lose in life be as such not because we want it or because we don't try, but because it's inevitable.

For mum

I hope you know, you're the world to me. There's no one else that can replace you. I dont say it just because, but i do mean it.. You're the world's best mum. I cry when i think i have to part with you. I see how you love us unconditionally, and i say if often but it's still not enough. Ma, i love you. There are no words to say, no position to place you, because you're the queen of my heart. I pray one day you'll see, me love you mummy. *runs to mummy and hugs.. damn, i know i'm gonna cry later at the airport.. =(

Good morn Msia..

Hey! Morning! It's been the 11th day since I've been back in Malaysia! Yippie. This time coming bck home I didnt feel as foreign as I used to feel. Home felt like home immediately. I used to have trouble adjusting when i came home every year. For the first few days, I admit to doing absolutely nothing but eat and sleep, and when i say i did only that.. i really mean it. I wake up for breakfast, groggily and greedily i munch what's on the table, and then head off to bed. I am then awaken by my lil schnauzer for lunch (yea, he's usually assigned to do this sort of work, of calling people for lunch and dinner, and he does a good job really making sure u get up and get out of the room!). After lunch is when the whole house gets really quiet. Nap Time! Mum and my younger sis really have the same aptitude.... for sleeping... the whole day.. -_-'' it's hard to wake them up, and if you do, you get dagger stares. So what else is there to do, when the whole house is dead asleep, I've nothing to do but join them. I've been so bored at home. My laziness has prohibited me from playing playstation, reading books or even going out. So yes, for the first few days back home, my main activity was sleeeeeeppp.. and it was gooood. Catching up on my 40 winks..more like a million actually.

Alright, besides sleep, since I've been back, I've been to Genting, and tesco and giant too but i dont think that counts as anything special. Air supply came to Genting and since my love for bekalan udara has been like forever, my mum took us all to watch. Woot woot! The best concert I've seen in Genting so far. The sound system was fantastic, Graham and Russell interacted with the crowd by jumping down from the stage (well, not really jumping down la.. they're too old for that) and they shook hands with almost everyone (not me of course, cos this sort of thing never happens to me .. bluekk ). Enjoyed myself either way, so.. me happy ^_^

I have my attachment to do next monday, and way before that I had so much trouble deciding where I wanted to do. I already applied for SJMC but had originally wanted to do it in Klang. So off I went to Klang Hosp. asking around if they would allow me (one small person!) to just join the other 100 over students that had already applied earlier. Of course they said no. So I was stuck between hopping hospitals and just taking a random chop later on and signing it myself or just doing it in SJMC. I chose the latter. Wasn't really sure on how to get there, so i wanted to take the KTM yesterday all the way to subang to see if i can find my around but my parents had been so kind to offer me a ride just to show me the way. Since i was going there i decided, what the heck, might as well inquire what's needed to prepare for my practicals. Unfortunately, upon getting there, I found out the person in charge is not in and me asking everyone else about my attachment just created some havoc. They were even more worried that I actually started on that day itself and when I said I just wanted to prepare myself, i realised i sounded damn right 'kiasu'.. hahah.. that's what a student's attitude should be like right? =p

Dress code... no jeans.. office wear .. and closed shoes.. Sounds nothing at all like me. I pouted on the fact i had to wear office clothes and my mum gave me that -_-'' look. She's been so helpful (biasa la.. mums) she asked her friends if there were any formal shirts (my kinda style) that they could lend to me. And I'm suppose to go out today to look for shoes.. Knowing me, I'm gonna pick something simple, and cheap.. huahuahua.. ^_^

Ah-khu suck-kit

That's aku sakit(i'm sick) to those who didnt get it. Don't even ask. Lame, I know.

It's funny how before this when I was healthy and well, the thought of blogging never even entered my mind, but now, drowsy from the cough syrup and with my immune system down, making me physically weak, I lay in bed trying to sleep only to have this urge to write something down.

I actually did fall asleep for awhile, but woke up gasping for air because while I was sleeping, my nose got blocked. Like, really blocked and I guess if I didnt wake up, I would have just died. The main reason why I didnt want to blog for so long was because so many things were happening to me all at the same time that I just didnt know what to do with my life anymore. One of my probs would be about H. My roomate, my friend, the one person I could talk to about anything besides B was her. And now, she's coupled up with a friend of ours. A close friend. The three of us would usually hang out together, go out together, cook together. Everyone knows 3's a crowd. So naturally the expected happened. I felt left out, I didnt know how to act normal around them anymore and everything they did, for me was moving too fast, from playfully pushing each other, to the silly giggles, to holding hands, hugging waists, and resting heads on each other's shoulder was just too much for me to handle. I notice all this, Oh yes, I observe them for afar even though I know it makes me cringe I just can't help it. I had a little trouble deciding on where to go from there on. I avoided them alot and hardly spoke to either. I guess I wasn't really prepared for all this having stayed in the denial stage and refusing to move forward. But I'm happy to say I learned how to make my peace with this "dilemma" and though it may not be the best of ways which everyone has hoped, I'm proud to say that I'm happy.

Not alot of people may know this about me, but at most point and highlights of my life, I only remember being sad. My mum once told me when she found out I was gay, that people like me it seems are very emotional. "No wonder, you're like that," she said. I believe that it's true, that people who are homosexuals tend to be more emotional, more mentally unstable and more suicidal than heterosexuals. We tend to think a bit too much and get affected easily by others. Can you really blame us for being this way, when our whole lives we're brought up to believe that who we are now is not under the category of normal. And at our teen years, everyone has a hard enough time fitting in and trying to find themselves and be the person that they really are, what more for a teenager who is gay. Afraid of being jeered by their peers, of names such as queer, freak, or weirdo, we tend to just lock ourselves up in the room, praying for a change. Not in others, but in ourselves. In the early stages, I can bet that most people who are homosexuals would have at least wished they weren't so. Life would be easier, no doubt, but life never is anyway. But when we do come to terms with who we are and we learn to accept ourselves, we usually come out stronger than the rest, having that screw-you-i-don't-care-what-you-think attitude would definitely make life a lot easier to live by.

Bring it on!

It's the same old thing. It'll never change. No matter how old I am. As long as she's alive........ As long as I'm alive, she'll Always...... Make me........ wear girly clothes. And I quote Charlie Brown when I say, "I can't stand it". But I guess, it's not so bad. She knows she can't force to me wear what I really don't feel comfortable in. But she's smart i'll tell you. She's witty. She's downright cunning as snow is white. Because she knows I'll never wear a dress, or a skirt. And she knows by not pushing me into wearing those; by allowing me to wear slacks, she gets to be the one to pick it. Yea, she just has some sort of fashion sense that enables her to make anything butch, look feminine. It's a good thing, I just so happen to have some natural internal oh-so-from-very-deep-within anti-femme instinct. Well, I don't mind being slightly feminine, as long as I get to maintain my own style. And as B often says, I think I'm quite androgynous.

I have my suspision that she actually has a triple X chromosome. Of cos that's a just my way of seeing it cos if that's the case she would be sterile. (*argh! Kicks bio out of head! Too much bio today!) I planned to wear a suit (slacks, a white button down, and a vest) to my cousin's wedding coming up this June and since I won't be able to pick out the attire myself on the account of me being here, she's gonna do it all for me. She's already bought me a vest and showed it to me. (I have no comments on how it looks.... it's very much her style) I hinted that it's not what I had in mind and she played the pity card so right. "I bought it just for you, and it was so expensive.. I was hoping you'd really like it...." Well Ma, bring it on! Cos I'll wear it, just to please you but no matter what I'll look good in it.. and my anti-femme instinct would be turned all all the way power up! Yea, bebeh!