Wednesday, March 31, 2010

I don't sleep in the subway anymore..

I'd be lying if i said i wasn't slightly traumatized by this whole bomb blasting thing. I use the subway everyday. And whenever people walk in and out those doors i can't help but observe each and everyone of them. Studying them. Seeing if they look suspicious. I'm paranoid! I know! I still have to go for my cycles. I still have to stop at the stop the terrorists were suppose to bomb but missed. And whenever i reach the station, my heart races a little and i can't wait to get out of there. It's disturbing, yet we have no choice but to go on our daily routine. Partially traveling in fear. Polices have stopped a few Malaysian muslim girls who wear head scarfs to check their identification and their bags. I even heard of a woman who was terrified when one of our muslim girls sat next to her on the subway. She quickly got off the next station with her son. I dont really blame them, but i sympathize for my friends who are suspected of being terrorists here in this country.


Monday, March 29, 2010

Moscow Metro bombings




37 killed, many more injured in twin bombings at Metro Lubyanka and Metro Park Kultury.
My stop was a metro before Park Kultury, which now, according to rumours were the actual targeted Metro. Im worrying now, imagining what would have happened if they had gone according to plan. Timing would have been just right for i was in the subway at that time.

Better blow away all the 'What if's' floating around my head. I only thank God that no one i know got hurt.









Saturday, March 27, 2010

The Flawless Facade Part 4

He had a bad habit. He likes to drink when he's upset. I tend to keep away when he's in that state because he gets really emotional and he starts hugging, and stroking my hair and forcing me to dance with him. All that's fine. I always keep my guard up when he's in that mood. But almost always pitied him, for i see tears in his eyes when he speaks of the reason he drinks. He would never really specifically say what, but i always sensed it was love. A girl. Of course, the one thing that makes us all decide to just screw it and drink our liver away. Girls..

I came back to my block one day at 3 in the morning. A was fast asleep, and BNN had went to a friend's room. He's door was wide open and from the end of the corridor, i saw him staggering towards me. He sang my name, reaching out his arms for a hug. Okay..... Dr-un-k!

"How much did you drink?"
"You want? I have 1/4 of a bottle left"
Vodka...
"No, it's okay. I'm good. How have you been? (he had been complaining that he hasn't been able to eat or sleep well for the past 3 days)
"I want to go back to my country. I'm very sad and lonely"
Then he changes the topic completely.
"Why do people lie? If they don't want to spend time with me, they should tell me straight!"
Oh dear, i thought. It's gotta be about BNN again.
"Well, maybe they don't want to hurt your feelings"
"They still shouldn't lie!" (He's getting worked up)
"It's like a white lie. Sometimes friends just need some space from each other"
"Yea, but what if it's your girlfriend? Should she lie to you about this?"
(he must be talking bout his russian girl aka The fling)

At that time, BNN walks by. He sees her and shakes his head. He looks at me and asks for my guitar. He had lent his to someone else. Not wanting to go against his wishes at a time like this, i passed it to him. He marched into his room, and started playing it. She looked at me with fear in her eyes (she didnt like talking to him when he's drunk).

"He's a little bit emo," i said.
"Yea, he kept calling me to go to his room just now. I told him i was busy with my friends".

He marched out of his room. I excused myself. I was exhausted and i needed rest. I had every intention of going to the St Patrick's Parade the next day and i had only 5 hours left to sleep. She excused herself too. "NO! I want to talk to you. Come in and close the door,". I had no idea, why she followed his orders but i worried for her. I decided not to sleep till she was safely back in. I had left my block door and my room door wide open just in case. Silence took over the hostel and all i could hear was my breathing and the clicking of my mouse as i tried to stay awake in front of my laptop.

Friday, March 26, 2010

The flawless facade Part 3

We had initially planned to avoid him whenever we can. Somehow, that never turns out right. He lives right across from us. He had a peep hole in his door, for pete's sake. He knew when we were going out, when we came back, when we cooked.. etc. And everytime we saw him, we had to be nice. Have a minor conversation. Neighbour talk. "How are you? Have you had your dinner? Weather is shit". That kinda thing. But something happened amidst all the superficiality. He started to grow on us. He would cook for us, we would cook for him. He'd have us over at his place. He'd invite me for a smoke, or a drink occasionally and it wasn't unpleasant. He would even sometimes tutor her when she had a test coming up. I wouldn't let him. I would feel too inferior, and i'd rather study at my own pace then have someone breathing down my neck about it.

But one thing about him though. He was a lonely guy. He was much senior as compared to anyone else in the hostel. Many of his friends had left, and the juniors had their own crowd. Plus, he was too matured for all of them. To me, he was this old man. Always nagging the younger crowd who made too much noise, or those who had rendezvous on our floor, or people who walked by and shuffled their feet instead of carrying it (lazy walk, he said) -_- (we're students.. we're lazy people, we couldnt care less bout how we walked) And being that old man that he is, he bores me sometimes. Talking about politics or educating me bout life and his experience makes me feel like dozing off when i'm not in the mood for it. So more times than none i avoid him when i feel like being by myself. And because he hasn't got much friends, me and BNN are constantly at the top of his 'who-to-disturb' list.

So, we would avoid him when we weren't in the mood for his company. We would exchange updates on how he messaged and we never replied. Or when he called and we didn't answer. And when we did, we pretended to be asleep or swamped at the time. Now, we weren't all that terrible if that's what you're thinking cos believe me, he was the persistent kind. If couldn't reach you today, he'd try tomorrow, and the day after, and so on so forth. I sorta feel, with me, he kinda got the hint. He stopped bugging me as much, cos i could go on for a week without acknowledging his calls. BNN on the other hand, had a much softer heart. She would always have pity on him, give in and end up going to his room to spend sometime with him. Of course, all this would be fine if she didnt occasionally come to me and say what a burden it was being his friend. "I regret ever knowing him" were her constant words.

Like i said, he was persistent. He would demand things from her. ''Cook for me, bring me some stuff from Malaysia, find me information bout something, come and see me Right Now! etc''. "He's always bugging me for things. Or to spend time with him". And when she didn't, he complained to me. He would always ask me, what she was doing. He knew when she was lying if she made an excuse just cos she didn't want to see him. I suspected that he had a thing for her. "Tell him bout your boyfriend. And stop being too nice to him,". She said she had told him many times before that she's engaged to her boyfriend. They're to wed when she graduates. She giggled as she told me, "Yea, i also want to start avoiding him more lah. Lazy to layan". And so that's how it went on for months. I would spend time with him when i felt like it, so would she, and sometimes we 3 would just hang out together. She did still complain about him harassing her from time to time, but I always thought as long as he didn't really do anything to her, then it's pretty harmless. So i'd push him to find a girl and he'd always just smile and shake his head.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

The flawless facade Part 2 (The New Neighbour)

Summer came and went, and i returned to Moscow feeling the autumn breeze on my face as i journeyed from the airport to my hostel. I was the last of my block to return, so when i did, i shouted out to them. "Hey!".

"Hey!" came a reply from my back. I turned around to see my new neighbour popping his head out from his door across from mine. It was him! At that time, electrical impulses just weren't passing through my neurons and i stood there stunned. I smiled and ran into my block.

"What is he doing here? He's living across from us now? Is he stalking you or something?" I bombarded all this questions at her, and she gave me a terrified look and an 'I-have-no-idea' gesture. Well, okay, i guess you'll just have to be careful around him. She nodded.

The flawless facade Part 1

Where do i begin.. It seems so long ago. A year and a half to be exact. He was a post grad student. Aside from studying, he made money on the side by selling insurance and worked part time by being a middle man for travel agencies. That's how she (BNN) got to know him. That's how I got to know him. Last winter, we both decided to take a trip to Egypt. She recommended him to me, saying a fellow friend had claimed his deals were reasonable. I was doubtful, but i followed her to inquire anyway. See, the thing bout him was. He had a bad reputation among the Malaysian students and some of the India guys. No one was really sure why though, perhaps he was a conman, or that he was out proud pervert. I never really knew the guy. And i wanted it to stay that way.

After that visit to his room, i never spoke to him aside from the occasional 'Hi' and 'Byes' when i bumped into him on the street. She on the other hand took it to the next level. She added him on her messenger. Of course, she needed updates about the price of the Egypt trip, so she chatted with him frequently. I'm not the type of person who indulges in affairs of others, so at that point i lost interest in whatever was going on. That is until one day i decided to unexpectedly be a nuisance and bug my blockmates. I do this often. I use their spare key, barge in and skip around their room like a 6 year old girl with pig tails till they acknowledge me. But she wasn't there.

"Hey, where did she go?" i asked A, who was in her usual position in bed, facing her laptop that she placed on a chair so it would be eye level and she didn't have to get up because let's face it, for students here, our lives revolve around our laptop. And as long as the screen is pointed to our faces, the only thing we would get up to do is go the bathroom, or to eat.

"She went out with him". I looked at my watch. "It's like 11pm already. Isn't it kinda dangerous to be out so late. Especially with him. We don't really know him."

"Yea, i know. But she's that type of person. She's too nice and friendly to everyone, that she's always making new friends left and right," A said. Yea, tell me bout it. Let me share a little bout BNN. She's a muslim. Tudung (head scarf) wearing kind. Sweet, innocent, and naive. The bubbly, cheerful, laughs her head off at everything kind. She and my ex have the same birthday. Their characters were the same. And i felt i knew her. So when i knew that she was going out with him, i felt troubled. Not because I'm into her (GAWD NO!), but because i felt she was the type of person who could be taken advantage of and i felt i needed to let her know that.

When she returned, i spoke to her. Made sure she knew what she was possibly getting into if she were to continue the friendship. 'Just be careful'. Those were my exact words. Just let him know that you're already in a relationship so he wouldn't consider anything more than friendship. OK, she said. After that i began to lose interest in them again. ( i get bored easily).

Monday, March 22, 2010

Two things

that i'm reminded of today..

1) the reason why i never trust anyone

2) LDRs are for shit..

If i didn't have such a good time during my outing today, i would have been crushed by what i can only describe as 'The flawless facade'.

The flawless facade!

Coming soon, in another one of Key's episodes of unpredictable expectations!

Comes with the 'please-hit-me-with-a-rock' effect.

Well, at least for me it does..

"haik!"

counters effect with....



It's like i'm draped with a giant comforter..

mmmm

Monday, March 15, 2010

Handsome Men's Club/Alizbar

просто потому что мне смешно



и мне скучно
-----------------------------
I spent the whole day working on my so-called project. Rewatching the clips over and over again to break down the steps. Came to understand that putting my imagination into reality requires intricacy. There is progress, but it's not flowing as fluidly as i expected. It's so hard to follow through when you have perfection in your head, but it flows out of you to become this ... muck! ( i dont know, that's just the first word that popped in my head to best describe this) I really don't wanna be a leader in this. I'm more of a part of the team kinda person. I'll come up with the ideas, and i'll run the show, but i dont like giving out orders. I prefer feedback rather than bossing people around. Yeah i know i dont have to be like that. I guess i'm just stressed and slightly worried that if there were any set backs, I'd be judged. Plus i've kinda set this expectation for myself. I've got this whole storm up in my head. Just gotta learn to let it flow out smoothly.. Baby steps.. baby steps.. Plus, does anyone know how to change a certain wav. file to a different one.. I'm much too lazy to figure that one out by myself..
------------------------------
I now feel like crying and sleeping at the same time...



I've already spent so much this month on unnecessary... err substances. And now i'm torn between spending what i have left on his concert, or on food..

K that sounds a bit extreme doesnt it..

Fine! I'll just wait it out till next month then.. *sulks*

Till then i'll just have to make do with listening from Youtube..

Mmmmm....

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Creepy clowns..

I HATE CLOWNS..

I should think anyone who's around my age, would hate them as well.

Why?

Thank that damn movie IT the clown..

Believe me if you thought the movie freaked the wits out of you, the book kinda gets to you more.

It was that sort of book that, made you stop reading midway, take a slow glance around the room and the back of you, just to be sure no one drooling blood is looking over your shoulders or trying to creep up behind you. The only other book that i recall has ever gotten to me that way would be The Diary of Ellen Rimbauer: My Life at Rose Red. Gawd how i was obsessed with Rose Red, wanting it so much to be true. Oh and i honestly believed it was true.. Watching the documentaries, and the movie about it.. gave me the creeps and made the hair at the nape of my neck stand, but i loved the whole idea of it.

Anyway i came across this picture, which is in fact, Yes, the scariest last supper ever.. It just reminded me of IT all over again, along with all the other freaky-assed clowns.. Yech! After sitting down for awhile trying to see if i recognized all of em' i suddenly realized that i was torturing myself. *shudders*



i actually hv no idea why im posting this up.

or maybe i'm subconsciously doing this, being influenced by McDonalds, or that stupid jigsaw doll!

Hmm okayy.. shall avoid eating McD's for awhile now..

So much for facing the fear head on.. =/

Monday, March 8, 2010

sighh

trumpeter became a tractor..

she's still snoring...

@@

help..

note the time..

1up on life, to snore ur way into women's day..

Happy women's day to girls everywhere, even the tribal ones who proly dont know the existence of it. It's one in the morning, and i've just finished watching 'It's complicated'. Me and a friend decided to watch it after she unexpectedly paid me a visit. Only thing is, she fell asleep halfway and is now snoring loudly on the bed across from mine. I'm not particularly annoyed at this nor am i really complaining, but i guess i'm not used to the fact that someone is spending the night in my room. No, not just someone. Someone with a serious case of nasal passage block. Why can't snoring sound more musical. No, scratch that, my grandpa makes this really loud whistling noise when he sleeps, each one ending with a puff of air producing a 'kh'. Technically, that's worse. But somehow i prefer the really consistent snores as compared to the opposed. The inconsistent snores ie the ones that comes to an abrupt stop and starts off all of a sudden with a full blast trumpet sound. At that point, you'd kinda wish there was a conductor right there with his baton putting this whole orchestra to an end.

My ex used to have that problem. Or still has. Who knows. But whenever she was over and we'd sleep together, i used to have alot of trouble falling asleep. We'd always be spooning and that was always nice, right up to the actual sleeping session. (ooo wonders never cease, the trumpeter has stopped.. hope she doesnt ever come across my blog. Tee~) Anyway, here i am, sitting in front of my laptop waiting to feel somnolent (gosh she sleeps exactly like my ex does, with all the snores, midway moans and sudden bodily jerks).

Decided to play a little old school nintendo game online. Unfortunately i never really live long enough through the game to use up any of the energy in my reserve tank for me to feel remotely drowsy. I'm a little rusty at the older games. That, and the fact that i realised, games back then used to be so much tougher than the ones now. Yea, modern games are 3D-ed and has special graphics and the puzzles are tough to solve. But the main marker for me in pointing out the difference would be.. a save point. Games back then couldn't be saved!! What's even worse is, they only give you 3 lives (max) throughout the entire game. You could prolly get an extra by bonus points but yet somehow that is still not enough (not for me at least). I've been playing Super Mario Brothers since i was a kid and it dawned on me that i've never ever finished the game. So i started again.. and as rusty as i was, i somehow managed to get a bit further since the last time i played but everytime i reach a new stage, i'd have to die at least trice before passing it. Meaning i'd have to play the whole damn game again. Now that's just sad. Plus it weighs my spirit down.

I know what you're thinking at this point..
Cos i'm thinking the same thing as im proof reading this..
Key...



THAT'S 1UP TO U!
WOOHOO!