I'm Coming Out

Lol, just by the title you probably get the gist of it all. Since I've been back, I've been meeting up with friends, catching up on each other's life. Of course, most of the time all people love to do is hear their own voice and blow their own horns instead of asking the rest 'what's new?'. Lol. Typical. It's been so long since we've all met up and all we wanna do is "share".

Anyway, I've been cornered many times by the 'mother of all questions' which wasn't very unexpected because ever since we all hit puberty, it's that main goal everyone's reaching for.

Friend: Have you gotten yourself a boyfriend?
Me: *yawns* Nope. (the yawning is to act nonchalant or to cover up any signs written on my face)
Friend: Are you sure?? (She wiggles her eyebrows and starts poking me)
Me: *yawns again* (must try very hard to resist!) Yes, yes. I Don't Have A Boyfriend.

Which is actually very true. I'm not lying or anything. I'm just... not telling the truth. I'm fine about spilling the beans to them. I just don't like doing it when everyone's all together. I can just imagine how it'd be. All the bulging eyes, the jaw drops (for some who are That blur), the hands planted on the table so they can lean forward just to gawk at you even more ( you would think that it affected their eyesight or their hearing or something) and all of a sudden no one has any control over the volume of their voices.. yech.. just thinking about it.. hhahaha I know all this is just my imagination. Watched too much TV. But really, I rather just come out to my friends when we're one on one.

So far, I've already told a few close ones. And the main reason I let go with them is because they sort of already figured out all along. I'm glad the people I've come out to have accepted it with open arms and an open mind. And as I quote my dear friend, "It's only wrong, if you yourself think it's wrong," grinning as the said it.

Looking at the title and writing this, that Diana Ross song constantly keeps playing in my head. Guess it fits the post... =p "I'm..coming.. I'm coming.. I'm coming out.. I want the world to know.. Gotta let it show... I'm coming out...". And now it's 'Little by Little' by Oasis. Ahh... I gotta stop doing this. It's almost 3a.m here and I need sleep. Till next time.. Key.. Out.. muahahha.. Lame..

Wee.. finally feel like blogging. Partly it's because I have absolutely nothing else to do, or I wouldn't rather do it. I am still on the face-stuffing phase but I have been exercising regularly so it sort of evens it out.... I hope.... Been overeating these few couple of days that I feel so bloated most of the time. Visiting my relatives hasn't exactly been a good thing for my stomach. It's the usual, "Aiyo, you so thin liao!" and the "You don't eat over there wan ah?". I've even gotten a "Oh my gawd, what's wrong with you?". What the hell's wrong with me? OKay, so I lost a few back then, I'm gaining it now. I'm not That skinny. Besides, with the way these people are stuffing food down my throat, by the time I return back to Russia, I'd probably end up obese. It doesn't help that I don't do much the whole day. Only past time around here for me would be making sure my ass print is on the couch. We shall alternate between playing Kingdom Hearts 2 and watching movies!

Speaking of which, if anyone is about to watch Vacancy ( that new show with Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale) please don't waste your time and money. It was that sort of show you could summarize in a minute, totally predictable and it didn't have a proper ending. Yeeeesh.. Basically it was just a couple running around, away from people in masks. And as usual the characters in there are never really that smart. But then again, you'd realise everytime you watched a show, almost everytime you would hear someone remark, "Man, why the hell is she so stupid! She should have done that..." or " Man, if it were me, I would have done this instead... " Makes you wonder if that person Really was in a similar situation what would they Really have done. Most of the time I'd just imagine them running around in circles, hands thrown in the air. Now That's what you would have done!

I also watched Gray Matters the other day. I once saw the trailer for it online quite sometime back and I've wanted to watch it ever since. But when I came back here to Malaysia, I just couldn't remember why I was so eager to. And.... after watching it halfway.. with my mother.. I realised why. Loved the synopsis of it, but of course that would only be me seeing as how I could relate to the movie. My sister on the other hand just watched the whole damn thing and said.. " I don't understand. It wasn't much of a story,". Ooh I could just bang her head with the TV remote. Over all it's a typical romantic comedy with the typical 'You love my wife?' line, just with a play of different genders. One of the main facts why I love that movie is because there's Rachel Shelley who plays the role of Helena Peabody in the L word. *grins from ear to ear*.

But I must admit that I didnt quite enjoyed the movie as much as I knew I could. Mainly it's because I was sitting in between both my mother and my sister and the fact that I know that She knows I'm gay doesn't really put me in a comfortable position. I kept glancing over to her side to see how her reaction towards everything is. And I'm just waiting for her to cringe everytime a character supported lesbianism in that show. She surprisingly didn't. Either way, I'm hoping to trick her into watching more of these shows, so as to brain wash her and her simple mind. No joke.. Hehehe.. Wish me Luck!

Pink is back! With a vengeance... o.O

=) Hey gorgeous.. On this night, just like every other silent night, I'm thinking of you, missing you and your ways. I suddenly feel like I'm quite focus on what I want, no more wondering and beating myself up over other paths not taken. This path I took though was not my choice, but by making an indecision I realise that I've already made my choice. I realise that some things are out of my control, and there are other things that needs to be placed first. I know my destination, the only worry for me now is the journey and whether I can make it. I need you there with me throughout the way, is that okay baby? Sigh.. miss our cuddles and random chats. Was making sis's card and bracelet today, realise how much I miss my solitude. I enjoy being alone, no intrusion, no expectations, no being overly self-conscious as I always am, no social anxiety, just me. And yet I'm heading down a road where it's all about networking and rubbing people the right way -_-" But I know I'll have you, I'll always have a place to belong and go back to. Those familiar sights and sounds and feelings, and that's you..





Remember this babe? Hopefully when we grow old, you'll be like him and the stub next to him will be filled by me :) We won't be looking despondently to the lake, but into each other's eyes.. Let me dream~



This trip will be of sunrises and sunsets, of slow walks to nowhere, of moonlight dances under the celestial sky, of cooking and baking, of drawing and painting, of concocting new drinks, of kisses under the rain, of warm bubble baths, of late night talks and silent gazes, of long cuddles and gentle kisses, of appreciating the simpler things, of having and holding each other, of us.

Ask, and I shall tell.

I sometimes feel I keep so many things to myself, I'm practically an island.. on an island. Doubly lonely. Does that make sense?

'Ask and I shall tell'. The thought of just pouring out comes to mind constantly, yet I have no clue as to how my emotions would come with these words, till he asked...., and I told...

My dad, just like he always is.. understanding, patient, and straight to the point.
"Why are you sad?" he asked. I shook my head.
"Do you have a new girl?" he asked. I shook my head.
"Is the old girl back?" he asked. I shook my head.
Third time's a charm? Nope.
"Don't just shake your head. Tell me what's wrong,"he asked. And I broke down, and told.

Tears... hrmph.. they always get in the way. Stops me from continuing. So I told him all that I could. "Him (my sis's bf) being here reminds me of what I cannot have," I said.

What I meant to say was:
She was spending so much time with him. Already they study together abroad. Meaning they have unlimited, unsupervised time together over there. Yet, they need to see each other still over here. Don't blame them. It's normal, I know. But don't bring it to my house. Don't display your affections all over me. It's not your fault, I know. But I can't help but have jealously written all over me. Yes, the green monster, I am. Though you may not see it, I hurt. Inside. And I withdraw myself from taking part in any humanly activities you all so easily do, such as talking, and smiling and laughing. I don't expect you to understand how I feel, for you have nothing to worry about. Our parents accept your partner with open arms, and make him part of the family already without any difficulty. Getting him gifts and holding gatherings for him. It's difficult for me to comprehend why you shower him with so much attention. Why her love life holds more importance as compared to mine. You told me, dad, that it doesn't matter who we loved, as long as we do and so shall you. Then why do you reject my love towards her. Why do you ask me to change? Isn't love all that matters?

I know I'm thinking too much. I know that's not what's on their minds and it's not what they think. I know I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill. But I just can't help how I feel sometimes. So, like I told my dad, leave me be... and I'll work it out myself. When all I'm secretly saying is, give me time to prepare to pretend that I'm happy with everything. That's what I'm doing now... And that's how I'll be..

P.S: I'm really not that a sad person... really... it's just..... sometimes..... you know.

I'm sad. Like a kid who's lost his favourite toy. I'm sad. Like a dog who's been disowned by his master. I'm sad. It's been 4 days since I've talked to you and I just thought today would be the day that I would.

But you can't.

You're not in.

You're busy.

I understand.

You'd be busy tomorrow as well.

I understand.

I always do...

When You're Gone lyrics

B, you said you haven't heard this song before and I told you I'd put it up just for you so here it is. Honestly I've always been a sucker for Avril upon listening to her first album that my friends got me. It's not very often though that I connect to her song, but when I do, I might tend to get emotional and as I watched the video of this song, I felt some sort of sadness in my heart. Anyway, hope you listen to it soon cos I'll probably get tire of it in a few days. You know me.. Mwahx...

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cried
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
Is made up on your side

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it okay
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
They lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much
I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it ok
I miss you

We were made for each other
Out here forever I know we were
Yeah, yeah
And all I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me
Yeah

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear will always get me through the day
And make it ok
I miss you

Alright, alright. True, I haven't been blogging for quite some time now. Been a bit preoccupied. Somehow I always have plans, am distracted by food and of course my Tomb Raider. Thing about blogging is, somehow even if you keep saying that you're blogging for yourself, and the things that you post up doesn't really matter, you still need to have something good to write about that would make yourself feel good. Does that make sense? Doesn't matter. But everytime I go out, and I see something worth blogging about, I make a mental note on it. And trust me, it never works. I'll end up forgetting what it was and just spend my time figuring it out later on. Besides, I'm not out to be someone who's line of work involves having killer writing skills. So what the heck, eh?

Just a little update on what my days have been like. Since I've been back, I've been:
1. Sleeping
2. Stuffing my face
3. Putting on weight way to quickly
4. Straining my eyes by having movie marathons, playing Tomb Raider, and watching TV
5. Visiting malls with my family
6. Been to a "reunion"
7. Summoned to be a dancing monkey at someone's party, and...
8. Having weird dreams

Told B bout this. Just that day, I dreamt that I attended a sort of Gay Gathering. There were lots of people there and funnily enough, most of the people that attended were people I knew. At first it kinda made me feel as though I wasn't so alone. Like there were people I knew who were alike me, and I was busily gathering up the courage to speak up. After doing that for awhile, I have no clue as to why, but I started getting suspicious and silently accused everyone of deceiving me. That they were all there working together, just to get me, to come out and then they would point at me and laugh, and as I'm reading this while typing I'm very aware that I'm insane. It's only a dream after all...
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Really into Avril's new song. Hated Girlfriend. Since when did she become as childish as to produce such an irritating song. Is that what you've become since you've gotten yourself married? I'm glad "When You're Gone" came by for her to redeem herself. Was just starting to make a voodoo doll of her to torture away.

I'm beginning to feel a bit old, or maybe slightly more matured. Can't stand most of the music played on the radio. New songs, I mean. What's with the meaningless lyrics and the wretched sound you call music. Can't remember the titles of the songs which I was cringing to while my younger sister bobs her head, moving in rhythm of the bass, but I do know that it's by some new, lame, young, wannabe band who's music, all in all sounds pretty much the same as any other newbie. Cmon! Make your one time hit, earn a few, and get the hell outta here... Sheesh.. I Do sound old... Damn!
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Getting on to the more important issues in my life, my baby girl. The distance is killing us both. And as much as both of us are occupied with our personal life, there's still some emptiness inside that can only be filled by being together. It's hard being so apart for such a long period of time and though we've known each other for so long, it's not hard to realise that it takes so much longer to really know someone inside out that every action they perform there is a reaction that you can be confident in countering back with.

But every couple has their ups and downs. Life's not perfect. We all can speak from experience when we say that. So baby girl, please don't worry so much. I know you feel the way I do, and if that's the case there's nothing to worry about. In the end, it'll be okay. It always has been so far. No reason for it to change now =) . Love you endlessly. And yes dear, I'm glad you got ur expected reaction from me, reading your pink post. haha. Mwahx.. Thanks anyway, baby.

I know you're working late tonight. Can't talk to you. Perhaps a little later when you get back. Missing you. And as always, thinking of you all the time.. No lie.. mwahx.. =)

Stras Vui Chieh! =)

Heylo! =) I am guest blogging for my baby (cheh wah!!). She suggested it once and yea why not! Typing in pink to annoy the hell outta her. Probably the only time we'll be seeing my syg's blog in pink. Oooo so cool la bee. Like I can type out anything I want =) My baby very notti la, not updating your blog. Okay okay I know I'm worst.. but I wanna read more of yours and that is more important okay! =P Really missing you right now. Wish you were here. Baby you know I was talking to a friend and she said she might be able to get me involved in one of the society's events, where they are organising a trip to Moscow. Can we say like OMG??? Okay she just mentioned it once. but I'm already starting to dream~~ =) What should I say here har. You know one thing I hate about our relationship is how we can't declare it to the world (so corny >.>), so here I shall 'kinda' declare that my dearest baby.. I really do love you so much. I can't believe I've found you bee.. I know you're my one and only. We're just so perfect for each other in such an imperfect way. Our endless chats. The way we fight and always, always make up within 0.03 seconds because we can't stand hurting the other. How we never ever threaten break-ups. How patient you are with me. How your voice sooths everything. How I can only 'manja' with you X) How our silent moments says it all. How even that we're thousands of miles apart in this crazy long-term relationship, yet still holding on because we know it's worth it. We're not gonna let go. I'm not gonna let you go baby. Missing you crazy as always. I'll be waiting for your kisses and cuddles.

Your baby =)


p.s.: baby did you know that someone googled for 'gynaecologist perverted exam' and 'self-slapping baby', and was directed by google to your blog HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. okok i'm so sorry i ruined this mushy loving post for you. Wuff You Bb! =)

Msia!

I know it's weird that in one day, I posted like 5 posts.. and then just went missing for a few days.. Thing is I'm back in Malaysia already.. woopieee.. been missing baby girl alot lately.. thinking of all the times we spent together in Moscow. I have yet to blog about the remaining places I failed to mention on our trip around, like the Moscow River Cruise. Been rather occupied lately (except for today) what with my cousin's wedding and all. Food, has been my main priority. I'm not overeating as much as a certain someone, but nontheless it is alot. Ticked a few dishes off my list already. Wantan mee, beef rendang(tho not really satisfied yet), pao, oh and at the wedding of course had typical chinese dishes, so that is over and done with. Still looking forward to Bak Kut Teh, Indian dishes and Mamak of course!

I'm wondering where baby is right now. She doesn't really reply me anymore,afraid my mum might get suspisious again. But it's already late at night, and i told her everyone's asleep. She must be working. Sigh.. Missing you dear.. If you're reading this, I want you to know I love you very much. Hope you know that. Can't live without you. Take care for me k? Will be waiting for you to come online. mwahx