I can feel my heart trying to open itself up. Trying and as i fear, never getting there. Why?

I'm in the midst of reading A Clockwork Orange. And just when 'Your Humble Narrator' has been sent for an experiment and "cured" of his violence, the only way to test and prove the success of it is by inflicting violence upon him. All this done, in which by instinct of any normal human being would be to defend themselves and fight back, but it's no longer in him to able to do so. The videos of pain upon others has been embedded in him and the very thought of violence made him sick.

I would use that in reference and relate to the fact that since the last person i've opened my heart up to, has (in what i can only say as) severely damaged me and therefore i'm walled up than ever. And as it is i've come to recently have a crush on someone new. I'd hate to admit anything by saying it or writing it out, but i believe to come to terms with it brings forth a chance of finding a solution.

The fact that i have an inkling of a feeling, means i now have a leak in my dam. And the ever pending fear of it breaking has brought me nightmares. Literally. In the past few nights, and even naps I've already dreamt of murderous acts, reliving of the past, lashing out anger.. all very much of Love and Pain. Drama.. I detest drama. It's not fun to feel. The risks that comes with being involved with anyone here for the remaining 2 months i have left is not worth it. Guess i gotta keep reminding myself that. Blow over. Please blow over quick.

*Realises* (I suddenly feel like i know where VV is at)

Go figure.. Hmm. 

It ain't rocket science

A <------ B <------ C
A --X--> B --?--> C
B = A > C

Is life really that complicated?

Slut

awesome.

the girl that i was with for the past few months have been fucking two other guys while she was with me..

none of which knew bout each other.

is there no one else left in this world to trust..

i have no faith left in humanity..

anyone out there who feels me and wanna offer their condolences.. pls feel free to do so..

so FML la...

dun think, just feel..

humans are complicated. how do we really know what another person really wants in life, if we can't figure out ourselves yet. or at least i'm in that situation. how far am i suppose to take this with her. She's been coming over almost everyday now. Honestly i dont know where this is going and im not anxious to find out. I'm just enjoying it and going with the flow. she's been around and i can't help but wonder if im another one of her conquests or flavour of the month. i get bored easily too but i dont jump around. then again maybe it's not fair of me to say that of her. we shall see.. my fren calls me a coward, and maybe i am afraid bout goin into whatever this is. but i getting so comfortable , that i hate sleeping without her by my side..

To the Man, the legend.. my idol.

It's been awhile since i've blogged. As time drew nearer to date of the annual dinner (the day i was suppose to perform) I've been stressing out and counting down the days, praying for it to be over, praying for that moment to come where i could just do what i wanted to do and get the hell out. It was driving me partially insane. Before sleeping off each night, i would try to picture in my head, how our performance would be like as seen by the audience.. it wasn't easy because we didn't have a mirror to practice with and we could only record our practices from an angle, because, well we practiced in corridors. I was more than worried, that everything would turn out some what mediocre or cliched. Mum supported me in everyway she could. 'You can't go wrong with the theme you're doing. Plus i have every confidence in you'. Tsk ma, how would i know if u're lying.

Surprisingly though, when the day did arrive and as we went through rehearsals, i felt a bout of confidence, and that wave of excitement that assured myself, everything might just turn out fine. Of course, my team members were already cocky i think, when the critics during the auditions told us this might be one of the highlights of the event. Still, i wanted it to be perfect. This was something i had dreamed of my entire life. I wasn't doing this for anyone else. I didn't need to prove anything. This was just for me and him (him being MJ). I wanted to give something back for the all the years of entertainment he's given me and the world. Ahhh im starting to sound corny. But i do thank him, because during the dance, i felt no nervousness (im lying i did feel it, but only slightly). Maybe it's because we've been practicing so hard, or as how i'd like to believe, he was there with us. There was just a surge of electricity in me as i moved how he moved (or tried to) and his music pumped into my veins.. Ahh sheer delight.. It was the most satisfying thing i have ever felt in my life. The crowd cheered at every change of the song, and more and more i felt uplifted. Impromptu changes made even came out perfect. Right after we were done, the adrenaline rush was still taking me higher. My worries were over, i didnt trip and fall :P cause the floor wasn't as smooth as i expected it to be. All and all, it was a really good night. Right after returning home, we each got a drink, uploaded the video and watched ourselves sharing Mj's magic with everyone in the hall. I felt like i did him right, by me. Thank u for inspiring me and so many others. (" ,) You made a difference in my life.

Perfection..

the happiest day of my life.
promised myself i'd make a memo of it.
bcos yea, how often do u do you get moments like this in life.
my dance, the one i've been working on for months, with the arrangement and editing of the songs, and choreographing, and teaching and putting it all together to put my dreams and what i can only imagine in my head at that time to reality.
and the outcome... whoaaaaaaaaa.. perfection. it was nothing like how i expected it to be.
the reaction i got from the crowd during the performance, and the post performance comments that i got just filled my heart right up to the brim it was bursting at the seems.
~it was awesome
~simply superb
~best performance of the night
~totally amazing, didnt know you could dance like that
~i was bored till you guys started performing..
The one that was equivalent of 10 praises, "were you trying to break hearts out there or make people fall for you. you were damn yeng'. Then she asked, who did the choreography.. i smiled.. She was in awe. Hahahaha. moment to be obnoxious please.. but only for that moment.
The one that was equivalent of 100 praises. This girl that i recently had a crush on, came up to me, grabbed me by the shoulders and looked into my eyes, "I just couldn't take my eyes off u".
I was so stunned, i just smiled. Heart! Bursting! Ahhh! HAPPPPY!!

Later on, i went over to A,one of her friends to say hi, and she grinned at me.. I know someone who has a crush on u... ^^ my heart skips around a land filled with rainbows and flowers and only nice things.. haha. I basked in the glory of praises, but this topped everything else. To quote A, right after the dance, she came running to A, and said she had a crush on me. And A screamed out Nooooooo. 'What's with the no, i asked'. 'I said No, cos You're mine' @@ ................ -_-'''

Girls...

I came back home, to an offline message that said again, She likes u, but you're mine.

I slept like a baby after that..

PS: i got free cigarettes today. WAT A PERFECT DAY

only an infatuation..

Ahh shit..

dont fall in love

dont fall in love

Oh i hope i dont start falling for you..

Nothing short of wonderful

What a relaxing day. I feel so privileged to be able to have a holiday on a Monday. It's like having two Sundays!

Spent the day clearing up my room, messed up from the potluck yesterday. Disposed off the many bottles of red wines, vacuuming up the carpet, scrubbing the pots, and of course, laundry. Found it shockingly cold today. My feet are freezing. Checked the temperature... ... -20 C. Ahhh, how can that be. It was only -8 the day before. And it's only beginning of December. Oh how i wish winter would end early this year. I can't imagine walking around Europe at the peak of winter. However it may be, I'm guessing it can never be as bad as Russia.

I've just finished watching Julie & Julia.. I'm lost for words on how to describe the movie. It was simply amazing. Yes, I love any movie that contains food. And watching Meryl Streep in the movie just sort of reminded me of my grandma. Her tall, gangly behaviour, walking around the kitchen chopping up ingredients with that sort of self satisfied look on her face just made me smile throughout the whole movie. It was just the sort of movie that gave me that warm, internal hug and imploded with candies inside my tummy and stuff like that (knowing if i'd continue describing this, people would think i'm insane). But it was just that.. Watching the movie and sipping on my chamomile tea on this dreadful wintery day, made everything feel so perfect.

How i wish i can enjoy the moment just awhile more. Alas, I'm reminded that i have to start studying for my exam which is in a month's time. Ohh can't i just procrastinate a little more. What difference does a day make right?? =D Hmmm.. So torned between enjoying this little time to myself that i've been so deprived of, and concentrating on my goal of being a good doctor. The former does sound more appealing.

Hence, here i am, quoting an overly cliched line from movies for whenever a character doesn't know what to do.. A wise chinese man, will appear from no where and say, "Follow your Heart". (i'm exaggerating, that doesn't happen all the time).

So..... 'Follow your heart' it is!

'Cloudy with a chance of meatballs' anyone? =D

Yummy :)

-----------------
I want to play.. >=(

-is sulking because i have to study for a pending exam. it's just not right, studying this hard at the beginning of the semester. No one is in the mood, and everything that i'm reading just doesn't make sense or refuses to enter. I feel hungry all the time, and i finally gave in and started cooking. Please, please be over so i can enjoy the days of what's suppose to be a relaxing year.

Summer hols.

My summer:

1) Went to ipoh to visit grandpa and grandma (at church).

We are forever reminded of her and her angelic ways. Still tearing from time to time. Sometimes the memories of her hits us when we least expect it and in the most unusual places and time. Once we were walking down Tesco's aisle when all of a sudden the song they were playing caught my attention. I perked up my ears to hear Mariah Carey's Bye bye in the background. I shook my head trying to pull myself away from unwanted thoughts, only to turn around and see my mum breaking down, right in the middle of the 'sauces' aisle. I quickly whipped out my phone and blasted a song to distract her, coaxing her like you do a child. The death of ahma has affected us so badly that the very mention of her name always keeps us silent for a while before remembering that she's in a better place now.

2) Did attachment at the hospital for 3 weeks

Though it was time consuming and for the most part cut my damn holidays to a mere 5 weeks, it did me some good. I gained more experience than i ever did doing anything else and i have no regrets. But, honestly in the medical field there are so many things to memorize that you don't really know what's meant to be remembered and applied later on. By doing practicals you're exposed to all these. Plus injecting people is fun! (sadistic part of me glowing).

3) Paaartaayyy

Starting meeting up with friends after practicals. Had a road trip to PD and Seremban with the gang. Never realised how much i missed beaches till my toes came in contact with sand. ooo made me feel like a kid again, waddling through and splashing each other with salt water. Even took a ride on the banana boat (eww does that sound wrong)











Drove back to M's house, already in drinking mood and screaming out the lyrics to 'I've got a feeling' at the top our lungs because her car radio busted. Main drink of the night, Vodka and Absinthe sponsored by yours truly ;) Drank ourselves silly and KO-ed at the break of dawn.



Oscar Wilde described drinking absinthe as such: "After the first glass, you see things as you wish they were. After the second, you see things as they are not. Finally, you see things as they really are, and that is the most horrible thing in the world."

Though i must say, i experienced none of which was said. After a bottle of vodka, we whacked half a bottle of absinthe, which to much disappointment did not get me hallucinating. Though it did get me good and drunk with the help of beer. The taste of it raw, of course is vile. So much that it made vodka taste like drops of heaven. Plus it burns the mouth and esophagus(what else could u expect from 70% of pure alcohol right)

4) Genting!

Went to genting to be a trainer for one of my cousin's motivational courses.



good pay too! though i initially agreed to do it for free but if people offer u money, take it by all means! it was an eye opening experience, for you get to evaluate yourself and at the same analyze others which is something i tend to do all the time. In the beginning i was skeptical about these sort of courses. I thought it a waste of the company's money but towards the end of it, i could see how it boosted their spirits and i know in the long time coming, they would still recall the lessons learnt and apply it (of course till they lose interest in everything again and another motivational course is needed). After the last day of the course, we said goodbye to the trainees and headed up to casinos! yeah baby. I'm finally right, ready and legal to enter the casino. Of course i want this to be done with the securities approval. In other words, i wanted to be stopped by the guards, to whip out my IC and shove in their faces. EEyyyeaAahhh. Entering the casino is no biggie to me, i've been in before with my speed and talent, but this time around i have nothing to hide. No laws to break and i wanted them to know. Unfortunately, no one gave a damn about me and i was just another China Ah pek ready to blow some money. Instead of stopping me, they stopped my elder sister and i'm all the more curious to know if i look older than her this year. so again, i walked out, and entered.. NOTHING.. WTH.. let's just gamble then. i won money anyway so, oh well.

ps: it's apparent that i look nothing like my sister, cos when we were doing our practicals at the hospital, no one knew we were related and i think the touching and hugging and the fact that i kept mentioning that we lived together just made them think we were lovers. -_-'' how uncanny..

5)Fooood

i think i packed and stacked on a good 8 to 9 pounds this time around. Of course in the beginning, i did alot of running ( i lurve running =p) and that slowed the process down but towards the end i was running out of time to do the other things that i love, so i forwent exercising. I was eating every second of the day, and it was bliss not knowing what hunger felt like. I even forgot the existence of the word (till i came back of course) During my last week, i was eating for two in a meal.

Dad: Alright, do you want bakuteh or yam rice for breakfast.
me: Yes.
Dad: *confused* *repeats question* Bakuteh or Yam rice?
me: Yes.
Dad: *stares at me for a very long time* Oohh you want both.
me: *smiles gleefully* yes please! I'm glad we speak the same language, dad.
Dad: I know you well, my fatty.
Me: -_- that was so uncalled for.

ooh and i forgot to mention Shangri La buffet.. Oo La La.. the food.. is to die for..










6) Dance

Me and ma were hired to choreograph and teach a bunch of people a dance for their company's annual dinner. The group consisted of a few girls and a guy ( mr chairman, in otherwords.. certified china ah pek ) Mum was in charge of the girls, and I the guy. Which i figured should be fairly simple. It's one guy. I thought of it as a simple task. Turns out.. I thought wrong. That man, does not only have no sense of rhythm, he is tone deaf and has no ear for music. How was i suppose to teach him to dance when he couldn't even recognize beats. Worse part is, thinking that he could dance i choreographed cooler/tougher steps for him to do. Which in the end needed to be altered. I did the best i could in which he could remember all his moves, but never doing a single one in timing with the music. I'm sorry uncle, that's all you're capable of =/ hehe

7) Reunions

Which of course are compulsory and one event that you cannot escape from. Of course, i never worry about these sort of things. But boy, do i hate those same old questions from the year before.. and every other year for that fact. Of course i know you're just trying to make conversation but sometimes i do get a little bored of repeating myself a few times a night. So i do, what i do when i get bored of your questions, i tell you horrifying stories of Russia and racism and their economy and enjoy watching you get shocked. XD

8) Myself

This summer, would be one i will cherish the most because of the time i managed to spend time with my family and my friends. I would categorize this under 'myself' because to know and to feel that i've lost certain people (physically and emotionally) that with the remaining ones that i have i still find joy in them and mainly myself. Anyway, in the long run, you learn to differentiate between the ones worth remembering and the ones who's names were just written in sand (easy to be erased by the wind and forgotten like it should be). Damn, which just reminded me of my stalker.

"......"

This year i did alot of self shopping and got alot more formal clothes. weee.. me is liking it. Bought myself ties and ooo i also picked up a new instrument. I decided to take another one up just to broaden my horizons. Of course knowing me i wanted the most uncommon and unlikely one. Which is easily obtained of course if not i would have chosen a harp or something. Anyway, I got me a harmonica! It's on an easy one to pick up as i had imagined. Of course i did research about it before getting one and i've managed to learn the basics but i didn't think it would be a much harder instrument to master as compared to the guitar. So far i've only been playing Annie's Song and Moon River continously as practice. Of course this is a step up from Mary had a little lamb. Lol.

Why is it people only appreciate the result of things. Not the process. C'mon people. Like Miley Cyrus said.. "ain't about how fast i get there.. ain't about what's waiting for the other side...it's the climbbb". My first few days of practicing the harmonica, was the toughest. Being shunned by your family is not an easy thing =( According to dad, what i'm doing is not music, it's noise =( When i first got my harmonica they made me sign a contract saying i would never play in their rooms. And only when it sounds good, they're harping on you to play them a song. Same thing goes when i was learning my guitar. tsk.. Humans..

Well i guess that's the gist of it or something in too much detail.(this is a very long post.. hmm ) I guess i have to end my boycotting of cooking food because i'm much too hungry and no matter how lazy i am, there is only so long that i can survive without proper food. Toodles then.
Cheerio~

Back to norm

Woke up today feeling as though i had never left this place. Had a good 14 hours sleep. Just what i needed. Music fills the empty spaces in my room and i feel so much at peace. Recalling the reasons why i love it over here. No obligations, nothing to hold me down, no responsibility towards others. Just myself and my freedom. doing the things i love without any regards to anyone.

gotta love this life.

insane..

the night sucked. i couldnt sleep at all. i tossed and turned and images ran through my mind. images of her. images of who she's with. images of them together and i would spasm. so hard that i would knock the wall or kick the post of my bed. it tortured me. mentally. and there was no end to it. those and the fact that i was trying to force myself to sleep. im crashed. im numb. and lost. i feel alone. more alone than i've ever been. i felt betrayed. i felt like the awkward one left standing in a crowd full of couples and i'm being jeered. what have i done wrong i wonder. how did i end up here yet again. this pain so unbearable i had nothing to compare it to. i moaned, and i cried, and i shouted in agony. but what was i to do. i felt like i was losing her all over again. reliving the pain of her breaking up with me again. how do i get myself into these things. building a wall around me i feel i must shield myself from the world. i dont think you would understand. i dont think you would know the feeling of being so broken when the person you've put all your love into reflects it back with a simple i dont love you. nothing that you say could soften the blow. no medicine you can apply to heal the wound. the one person who trusted the most in the world, to just shun you leaving no trail of even a scent. am i the only one who feels the connection when we speak. am i only imagining something that isn't really there. i can never comprehend how it is all so simple for you to act so nonchalant and speak to me like you once did but without acknowledging the fact we were once as one. promises like a bridge left to crumble, where it's remains fall into the river and just taken away with the stream. no one knew it existed. just the person standing on one side, watching the other from across walking away.

i felt as though you have loved me once. i see none of it now. it's begining to fade. did it really happen? is this smell that lingers still yours. is the warmth on my hand from your touch. are you the taste on my lips from when you last kissed me. i long for all the things you've done to me once. when you ruffled my hair. when we danced. when we fed each other. when we made love. when i made you laugh. you were mine then. and i've never felt more connected to anyone else. you made me dream. dream of a future. together you and i. and i thought i've never seen things more clearly. then you took away my sun. my world became bleak, dark, cynical. i'm afraid to love again. that is for a fact. i only ever wanted you.

do you think it's amazing that i think of you every single day. there was a never day you never crossed my mind as much as i try to push you out. i wish i could forget you. i wish i never met you. i wish i knew why we couldn't work out. i wish i knew why you stopped caring for me. i wish i knew the answers to everything thats making my brain go haywire that i can't seem to function. more than anything i wish i could stop loving you. already i feel like a loser enough, i now feel like the giant elephant that's standing in your way. in your life. trying to fit in among all your perfection. squeezing in just so i can take a glance at your smile.

questions run through my mind. the answers i fear i will never know. i can only try to be happy for you but would you try to understand what i'm going through. would you ever think to put yourself in my position or does it never enter your mind. you miss out on all the sorrow of the world when you're happy.

is it so stupid for a cynic to still have hope. seems so simple doesn't it. you know what you want. go for it. there's no harm in trying. i've nothing to lose. i still believe. i would still have hope and persevere till i run out of it. give me strength.

sigh~

Lord only knows how much i miss you.

I'm not sad..

but i miss you..

RIP, Michael..

Where do i even begin.. What do i even say..

This man was my childhood, my idol.. The first album i knew of was his. I first danced to his music when i was only 4. Jumping around to Jam. I spent the first few years of my life learning how to do the moonwalk. I spent hours in front of the TV watching his movie Moonwalker over and over again copying his moves. I stood by him (not literally) when people turned against him calling him a child molester, or Wacko Jacko or whatever. I always believed he was innocent. I even had a scrapbook filled with pictures of him and any article i came across that was about him. Even till today i spend hours watching his videos, amazed at his talent. There will never be anyone else that would come close to comparison. He Was the King of Pop. And always will be. The music industry perhaps would not be the same today if it weren't for him. Artists such as Justin Timberlake or Wade Robson.. they all took moves from him. His influence is well noticable among them. In certain ways, i am happy that he's passed on, for it is my believe that he was no longer happy. He was terminally ill for so long, and having put up with the crap media throws at him, it's just not right. What more upon losing everything he has, and selling off his belongings.. He had a concert coming up in London. Perhaps he pushed himself too hard.


I cried when i saw the news online. I was devastated. I still am. I read news almost every other day about celebrities dying. And even when i was little i would wonder how the impact would be if MJ died. I prayed the day would never come. That day that my first idol would stop being among us. One of my dreams was to at least be at one of his concerts. In most of his movies they would show fans at his concerts, fainting, crying, screaming out for him and i would always think, damn.. they're so lucky. Now, i'll never get the chance.


The world is at a loss without you. He was a legend. He was true talent. He was.. Michael Jackson.. There will never be another..

Thank you for sharing your gift with the world..

You will live forever in us..

I love you, Michael.

Perversion is art..

The Erotic House of Peter Saville..

Makes me want go to a museum..

It's been so long since i've been to one here..

No Bedi wan to go with me....

The Affair?

I would not call this an affair.'The other' would be ecstatic to know i have you to keep me company while i'm in Moscow. It does get so lonely sometimes.. *cheeky grin. I love you both anyway. Perhaps you will meet one day.

But..

HHhmmmmm touching you... its that familiar feeling, of when i first held 'the other'. The feel of my hands placed gently around your neck. The cradle of my arm around your body. Running my fingers lightly touching you. That sound you make..

Mmmmmm..

And your smell.... Makes me just wanna close my eyes and imagine us on a vast field of nothing else but flowers and grass.

I lay you down to rest on my bed, and i stare at you with admiration and awe. You shine, in my eyes. And i promise that i will never, ever let anything happen to you. I will always keep you safe in my arms.. People might not see you the way i see you.. They may say you're not worth it, but it's okay. Cos you're mine. And you make me happy, and that's all that matters.



I haven't named you yet. But we'll come up with something cool okay? :)

Indulgence

1) in Michael Buble.. in music.. and all that jazz...

Don't you think music just gives you that emotionally liberating feeling.. Makes me just wanna close my eyes and sway.And when i mean sway, i mean literally floating around the room, ballroom motion and all sliding here and there (for those who don't know me, I love dancing. None in particular, just allowing the music to move me in any way it chooses). The fact that i have the whole room to myself (a most fortunate situation for now) enables me to do whatever i please, whenever. I scream songs in the morning, work out in front of my full length mirror in the evenings, and I dance the night away.. :)

2) in books... ahhh i love the smell of your pages..

I think i've already gone through 2 books this month. Approximately 5 since the beginning of this year. Which is probably incomparable to most avid readers but I like to enjoy the context of each word. I have a habit of rereading certain sentences or phrases again and again just because it brings out a certain sort of rarity..of feelings and wonders of all sorts. The fact that i love most about reading a book is how i manage to just jump into the pages ( a Mary Poppin effect) and be in a whole different world. Just a voyuer in a land of unknown fiction.

I would go on and on, but seeing as how it's already 3.06am (it says there.. draft autosaved at 3.06AM) my eyes have sent signals to my brains, and i think pyschologically i'm being tricked into thinking i'm sleepy, hence the yawning. Will continue(in another post)/edit this post another time (or leave it the way it is.. i'm such a lazy person.. arghh)

Well, I shall head off to bed with my palms and fingers gripping my current book.. and read em' till i fall asleep..

Gnite world..

who the fuck gives a fuck about your fuck..

Today is 'Key-day'.

A day where i just sit down and spend time with me, myself and I. Haven't been having alot of that for awhile. Happy New Year to all. A new year, a start of a year, for something different? something new.

Resolutions.. ? Be more self centered. Well, not exactly in a bad way. Just kinda gave in Alot to Alot of people over the years. So basically, I'm just gonna love myself more than i love others this year. Fed up of just listening to other peoples fucking gossip and "problems". Actually it didn't really occur to me that I had so much of shit piled up inside. My shit, and others just kinda locked up and hidden away, and that day i just decided to hang out with J, I kinda just let everything spill..
Oh Lord,

shit.....

just......

every......

where......

of course, all this was done with the help of alcohol. Anyway it was never my intention to end the night like that. It started off with us screaming at the top of lungs (Karaoke) XD.

That evidently is whats keeping me busy these days. That, PS2, alcohol, movies and the regular ole 'lepaking' .. and oh yea.. guitar. Tho, I might be getting a bit turned off by karaoke-ing because my effect has rubbed off on others and they're just running around spreading it. I kinda dislike what everyone else likes.

The unpopular is cool till it becomes known to others who makes it popular.

Got to talking with this guy who shares my opinion of the "dramatic" life of our peers. He, just like me has come to a conclusion to just say 'I don't give a fuck' to whoever who tries to load off. Cos seriously, at the end of the day, all you wanna say to them is 'really, who the fuck gives a fuck about your fuck'. Find a real problem to cry about then come to me about it, if not, find a wall.. damn, don't I sound cruel.

But seriously, I have my own shit to deal with, so if you please, make like a tree and leave.

Peace! (^0^) Y

Rest in Peace Ahma..

She loved flowers.. She hated worms.. She was strong, and that's how we'll remember her in our hearts. A woman who never let anyone around her see her flaws and weaknesses. She was a rock. She brought everyone around her strength. She was a true angel among angels. She was a responsible wife, a wonderful mother, and most of all she was The Best grandmother in the world. My grandmother.. My ahma..

I miss you so much. Dear Lord, please take good of her. She's happy now being where she always wanted to be. We remember her courage and we'll grieve the fact that she is no longer here, but she will always be with us.. walk with me, Ahma. We all miss you so much. I wish i was home. I wish we could have our final goodbyes. I'm sorry for all the mistakes I've done. But i know what you'll say. You'll say don't worry. Ahma is happy now. Ahma wanted this for so long. Please be at peace. You told me when i was young, that if Ahma went to heaven, Ahma will let me see what heaven looks like in my dreams. Visit me Ahma. Visit me often. I pray you're in that place you dreamt of once, living on hill top, with a cat and a dog, and a view overlooking the wonders of God. Ahma don't have to use your oxygen concentrator anymore. Ahma can sing, now that you'll have your voice back. Sing Ahma, so I'll be able to hear you when I look to the skies. I'll be looking for you. Watch over me....

to love and be loved

by no one else, but you. for all those moments where u pulled me down and soared me to the skies. i could fly, i could float, i could walk on water, i could be the world. we were the world. every hunger deep down inside, fullfilled with just one look of you. the wonder of you. the wonder of you. love in every true meaning of it. touched me so deep, i couldn't breathe at times, it was on the brim of choking, yet i was trying to take it all in. getting everything i could at every second, and it was pure bliss like being in a that one true place of fantasy you could only imagine in your dreams.