A sunday morning.
I sit here, with a whiskey in hand.
I had ran out of cigarettes last night.
I think i'm just finding something to intoxicate myself with.
Yes, whiskey in the morning.
Seems so wrong in the eyes of society but feels so right to me.
I'm not heavy drinking.
I just decided to dig into my special stock of Johnnie Walker's Double Black.
Feels like a good day.
The sun is up.
As winter approaches, this will all fade away.
Take in everything, one breath at a time.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
Humans..
Incomprehensible yet so predictable.
We can never understand why we do the things we or others do. But you know for a damn fact they're gonna do it. It's hard to control the mind when you're thinking with your heart. You know for a fact that you're gonna get hurt. Your mind tells you that. It sends you signals, flashbacks of your past. You see it. You know it. Yet you keep telling yourself this time it's different. You talk your brain into accepting what your heart tells you. Feelings. Emotions. Of loneliness, or of being wanted. Just for awhile and in that second that you let your guard down, you're hooked. With your brain, standing there tapping it's foot, knowing at the end of the day it's gonna say "I told you so".
------------
I went out with Aki last Saturday. It was an impromptu (as usual) decision i made. I knew i needed to get out and I didn't wanna walk alone. She agreed. I picked my usual metro stop and we walked from there on till we reached a lake. I suggested sitting on one of the benches and we just talked. Everything seemed mellow till she told me her dark secret (which i wont get into now) and I felt protective over her. The conversation started to get intense, so I changed the topic as we walked along the streets of Kitai Gorod and ended up at a coffee house.
We talked for hours. About music, each other, life. And i felt comfortable. For the longest time, I haven't had a decent conversation with someone i barely knew and felt connected. The night ended with us, heading down to Kremlin to watch the light festival at Red Square. I guess you wouldn't expect me to say this about synchronized lights and music just streaking across the sky and buildings but it was one of the most romantic things i've seen. At that moment, I wished she (JN) was there. I wanted to just hold someone so badly, that i decided to just leave right after.
I came back and all i could think of was her. It hurts and the pain is like a dull pressurized compressing kind on my chest. I sleep whenever i get upset. I've been sleeping. Not eating. And i'm honestly beginning to feel faint. Funny thing though, when i took my after class nap this evening, Aki occupied my whole dream. And we were extremely close. I can't remember to what extend. But it felt weird, and i decided to tell her about it.
It didn't shock me as much, when she told me she had a dream about me too. And in her dream, we were together. She woke up confused. I told her perhaps it was because we were emotional and sharing our feelings with each other while hanging out that would naturally lead to that. The thing is now.. bringing all this out in the open isn't that dangerous. Poking embers, would probably be. I could foresee something in the distant. It's foggy.
I would be lying if I said i didnt know it would come thus far. Thing is.. was I the one who allowed it? And how far would i take this?
Hmmmm...
We can never understand why we do the things we or others do. But you know for a damn fact they're gonna do it. It's hard to control the mind when you're thinking with your heart. You know for a fact that you're gonna get hurt. Your mind tells you that. It sends you signals, flashbacks of your past. You see it. You know it. Yet you keep telling yourself this time it's different. You talk your brain into accepting what your heart tells you. Feelings. Emotions. Of loneliness, or of being wanted. Just for awhile and in that second that you let your guard down, you're hooked. With your brain, standing there tapping it's foot, knowing at the end of the day it's gonna say "I told you so".
------------
I went out with Aki last Saturday. It was an impromptu (as usual) decision i made. I knew i needed to get out and I didn't wanna walk alone. She agreed. I picked my usual metro stop and we walked from there on till we reached a lake. I suggested sitting on one of the benches and we just talked. Everything seemed mellow till she told me her dark secret (which i wont get into now) and I felt protective over her. The conversation started to get intense, so I changed the topic as we walked along the streets of Kitai Gorod and ended up at a coffee house.
We talked for hours. About music, each other, life. And i felt comfortable. For the longest time, I haven't had a decent conversation with someone i barely knew and felt connected. The night ended with us, heading down to Kremlin to watch the light festival at Red Square. I guess you wouldn't expect me to say this about synchronized lights and music just streaking across the sky and buildings but it was one of the most romantic things i've seen. At that moment, I wished she (JN) was there. I wanted to just hold someone so badly, that i decided to just leave right after.
I came back and all i could think of was her. It hurts and the pain is like a dull pressurized compressing kind on my chest. I sleep whenever i get upset. I've been sleeping. Not eating. And i'm honestly beginning to feel faint. Funny thing though, when i took my after class nap this evening, Aki occupied my whole dream. And we were extremely close. I can't remember to what extend. But it felt weird, and i decided to tell her about it.
It didn't shock me as much, when she told me she had a dream about me too. And in her dream, we were together. She woke up confused. I told her perhaps it was because we were emotional and sharing our feelings with each other while hanging out that would naturally lead to that. The thing is now.. bringing all this out in the open isn't that dangerous. Poking embers, would probably be. I could foresee something in the distant. It's foggy.
I would be lying if I said i didnt know it would come thus far. Thing is.. was I the one who allowed it? And how far would i take this?
Hmmmm...
I used to be a lot more interesting. I swear!
I realized that i once used to regularly update my blog, with ideas, my daily stories, or just utterly random silly topics. I guess it's fun to read back and remember how you were back then, but i cant help but compare the Me i am today, and who i was.
Am i really that much different now. I fear somehow that is true. I used to be funny (not that i dont think i am now, but it's a whole different kinda funny). Sillier would be a better word. I used to be able to write better. My vocabulary has long gone down the sewers. I used to be more expressive. Detailed. Perhaps i used to breathe in life. Like really, just took every moment into consideration and feel everything.
I need to get back to where i was before. No matter how broken down, or how badly mangled my heart and mind has been, i owe it to myself to at least try, to be the person that i once was.
I wanna be the retarded, fun loving self that i once was.
We'll see how this goes.
Am i really that much different now. I fear somehow that is true. I used to be funny (not that i dont think i am now, but it's a whole different kinda funny). Sillier would be a better word. I used to be able to write better. My vocabulary has long gone down the sewers. I used to be more expressive. Detailed. Perhaps i used to breathe in life. Like really, just took every moment into consideration and feel everything.
I need to get back to where i was before. No matter how broken down, or how badly mangled my heart and mind has been, i owe it to myself to at least try, to be the person that i once was.
I wanna be the retarded, fun loving self that i once was.
We'll see how this goes.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Bloodstained heart
The guy is a damn genius with a voice like an angel that speaks to me right to my very soul. It's times like this that i appreciate music and all that it does for others.
Best pre-birthday gift ever
I've fallen yet into another blackhole. Spiraling into an empty void not knowing if there's end. A day before my birthday she told me 3 things that felt like continuous stabs to my heart.
1. She called the fucker to sleep over again.
2. Bcos she was confused about things with another guy whom she's going to start trying things with.
3. And she doesnt like me anymore. (but still wanna be close friends)
Needless to say i spent my birthday pretending to be enjoying everything that came my way. Drowning myself in alcohol and cigarettes. It's so cliche. But i really dont know how to lose myself and stop thinking bout all this. I've been hurt too many times. I can't be your friend no matter how we both want it. No actually. I dont want it. Why would i want to put myself in that position where i'm prone to getting hurt yet again. If you're indeed happy. Then i'm glad that you are, but i'm not about to stick around and see you Be happy. Fuck it. Fuck this shit.
Just leave me alone. After all we've been through, couldn't you just throw me a fucking bone and try things with me. Of cos if you honestly don't like anymore, it's a whole different matter, where you should stop being selfish and let me go. So that i can move on.
I'm weak for you. Knowing that at any time you come around, i would just melt and give in. I can't figure out if it's the failure of my conquest or the fact that i have actually fallen for you that makes me still wanna try sometimes. I'm falling in and out of this decision. Praying it will eventually slide or that something would change. That she would change, her mind, or heart.
We had planned a winter trip together. A now even that's for shit. Expected. I'm not surprised. Or maybe i'm just sceptical and pessimistic that way , that i always expect the worse to happen. I wish that i had the room to myself. That i could mourn in my own way. But my roomate and her boyfriend are always around.
this feels like shit. i know time heals everything, but i dont wanna be in this place right now.
1. She called the fucker to sleep over again.
2. Bcos she was confused about things with another guy whom she's going to start trying things with.
3. And she doesnt like me anymore. (but still wanna be close friends)
Needless to say i spent my birthday pretending to be enjoying everything that came my way. Drowning myself in alcohol and cigarettes. It's so cliche. But i really dont know how to lose myself and stop thinking bout all this. I've been hurt too many times. I can't be your friend no matter how we both want it. No actually. I dont want it. Why would i want to put myself in that position where i'm prone to getting hurt yet again. If you're indeed happy. Then i'm glad that you are, but i'm not about to stick around and see you Be happy. Fuck it. Fuck this shit.
Just leave me alone. After all we've been through, couldn't you just throw me a fucking bone and try things with me. Of cos if you honestly don't like anymore, it's a whole different matter, where you should stop being selfish and let me go. So that i can move on.
I'm weak for you. Knowing that at any time you come around, i would just melt and give in. I can't figure out if it's the failure of my conquest or the fact that i have actually fallen for you that makes me still wanna try sometimes. I'm falling in and out of this decision. Praying it will eventually slide or that something would change. That she would change, her mind, or heart.
We had planned a winter trip together. A now even that's for shit. Expected. I'm not surprised. Or maybe i'm just sceptical and pessimistic that way , that i always expect the worse to happen. I wish that i had the room to myself. That i could mourn in my own way. But my roomate and her boyfriend are always around.
this feels like shit. i know time heals everything, but i dont wanna be in this place right now.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
7th and final year in moscow.
Today marks the 7th year that i've been in Moscow.
Has it really been that long? Feeling a tad moody. Unsure why. Everyone seems to be watching a movie or doing some other thing and all I really need is time alone.
Went for a David Guetta concert last Saturday. Massive. Mind blowing. Though it made me realise I no longer have the stamina of a 21year old. I know, I'm nothing but a few years ahead of that age but it comes to the point where you just couldnt do the things that you used to do.
The event started at 9 and lasted all the way thru 4am. That's 7 hours of jumping, hip-knee action and headbanging. And the outcome of that was a back and muscle ache that lasted the whole of next day. I literally just stayed in bed the entire Sunday, waking up only to eat. Oh, and the event consisted of an incident that adds another to my list of embarrassing moments in life. Two words. Projectile Vomiting. I vaguely remember most of what happened then, unfortunately it involves the bouncers of the club as well. Ugh. It's something that i pray would not be mentioned ever again.
Whatever happens in crazy town, stays in crazy town.
Has it really been that long? Feeling a tad moody. Unsure why. Everyone seems to be watching a movie or doing some other thing and all I really need is time alone.
Went for a David Guetta concert last Saturday. Massive. Mind blowing. Though it made me realise I no longer have the stamina of a 21year old. I know, I'm nothing but a few years ahead of that age but it comes to the point where you just couldnt do the things that you used to do.
The event started at 9 and lasted all the way thru 4am. That's 7 hours of jumping, hip-knee action and headbanging. And the outcome of that was a back and muscle ache that lasted the whole of next day. I literally just stayed in bed the entire Sunday, waking up only to eat. Oh, and the event consisted of an incident that adds another to my list of embarrassing moments in life. Two words. Projectile Vomiting. I vaguely remember most of what happened then, unfortunately it involves the bouncers of the club as well. Ugh. It's something that i pray would not be mentioned ever again.
Whatever happens in crazy town, stays in crazy town.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
We've come so far..
Is it true? Could it be?
That i've forgotten what it's like to be in love. As i sit and ponder about the days when I was so madly head over heels over another being that I built my world around them. And what have I come to now.
I don't really know. I feel like I've been single for quite some time without even bothering to jump back into the game. No fooling around, no one night stands, no flirting. I'm even beginning to wonder if I've lost my charms.
-------------------
As I sit here in my room on a Friday night. No plans. No drinking. I honestly started to feel my bed calling me hours ago. And as i yawned, stretched and glanced at my clock, I realised.. It's only 9.39. BUGGER!
Is this what being old feels like. Mind you I'm only 24. Perhaps it's this place. Finally, I can now scream the words that's on everyone's mind from the very moment they touched down in this country or walked into this hostel. The very words uttered by every senior you know, but never knew the full extend of it's power till you're there in their very shoes.
"It's my Final Year. I'm Friggin' 6th Year, Bitch!"
That sort of calamity that haunted us for the past 6 years (yes, i did Premed here, bringing it to a total of 7 years all in all ) somehow faded away this year. Every new problem that arised, seemed petty, minute, fixable. It's a whole different mind set for me (so far). And i'm glad to say it's relaxing to finally be at this stage.
I pray it stays this way right up till the end.
That i've forgotten what it's like to be in love. As i sit and ponder about the days when I was so madly head over heels over another being that I built my world around them. And what have I come to now.
I don't really know. I feel like I've been single for quite some time without even bothering to jump back into the game. No fooling around, no one night stands, no flirting. I'm even beginning to wonder if I've lost my charms.
-------------------
As I sit here in my room on a Friday night. No plans. No drinking. I honestly started to feel my bed calling me hours ago. And as i yawned, stretched and glanced at my clock, I realised.. It's only 9.39. BUGGER!
Is this what being old feels like. Mind you I'm only 24. Perhaps it's this place. Finally, I can now scream the words that's on everyone's mind from the very moment they touched down in this country or walked into this hostel. The very words uttered by every senior you know, but never knew the full extend of it's power till you're there in their very shoes.
"It's my Final Year. I'm Friggin' 6th Year, Bitch!"
That sort of calamity that haunted us for the past 6 years (yes, i did Premed here, bringing it to a total of 7 years all in all ) somehow faded away this year. Every new problem that arised, seemed petty, minute, fixable. It's a whole different mind set for me (so far). And i'm glad to say it's relaxing to finally be at this stage.
I pray it stays this way right up till the end.
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