Merry Xmas from Moscow

Merry Christmas to all... from Moscow..

Sleepy.. Tired..

Hygiene exam was today... shall enlighten you on the idiocracy of that subject when I'm well rested.

I'm usually a master when it comes to sleeping, but this week has been hell for me. It usually takes me 3 hours before I manage to fall asleep, and by then it's already time to get up. And I hate that period before falling asleep when all sort of thoughts enter my mind. Past, Present, conversations, imaginations, memories... all jumbled up...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

K i'm falling asleep as I write this. I'll take it as a good sign. Perhaps I might just fall right asleep this time.

GTG!

What is this feeling?

Humans are complicated.. Nothing simple bout them (damn i'm speaking as tho i'm not of the same species). Even me, as i consider myself in the simplest of people, in certain terms, i find that till now, after 21 years i am still not sure of myself. Not in the sense of who i am, or my characteristics. I'm talking bout my feelings.

Just started thinking about it, after returning home from a long day. While I was out, i had this sudden rush of feelings, that i cannot comprehend. It made me feel the way i usually did when i was in high school. A sense of feeling, like i'm lost, or when i'm in a new of different surrounding, or when i feel slightly out of place. I'm not sure. Somehow it could be a bout of homesickness kicking in too.

Main thing it's bugging me, because i can't put a finger on it. It's survival, and human instincts to find out what you need, and get it. If you're hungry, you find for food. If you're thirsty, you find water. If you're horny... Well basically, if you have an itch, you scratch it.

It's messing with my mind, cos i'm cracking my head trying to figure out what i need.

Hopefully i'll get to know soon, or just wait for the feeling to go away i guess.

=/

sick limerick

have sex when you're sick,
no longer will you feel weak,
(said the husband with his quick wit,)
he smiled as she agreed,
and on him she began to lick,
only to find her asleep by his dick

sick make u stewpid ja?

sick again

Stupid winter and it's inconsistent temperature. It's been twice this winter that I've fallen sick. And almost everyone is falling sick at the very same time. Another thing is medical students are the most prone to falling ill. They're the unhealthiest people i know, surviving on junk food and instant noodles, having no sleep at all pre or post examinations.

People here are so afraid of getting sick, even teachers are shooing us back. As long as there's a sneeze or cough coming from you, you're heading home. She sent the entire class back today. Then again most of the people from my group were just pretending to be ill. What group of people walk around together with tissues cupped to their mouth.

Been having terrible nights these few days. Can't seem to have decent dreamless sleep. Weird images and people keep coming to me in my dreams. I wake up often feeling exhausted and drained. Can't wait to go home. Starting to hate it even more here.

mind fucked

fucking mind games..

and u dont even know it..

sometimes i think there are still things to teach you..

like how to treat someone..

especially knowing that everything's not ok...

it's not that stage where everything's okay..

it just makes you look like a ...

ps: dont get too proud just yet. i'm nt that worked up. just funny to see how certain things nv chg.

Moles..

Ever heard that each mole that you have on you, is most likely to be significant. A mole at any ear lobe signifies intelligence. One near your eye would mean you have insight to certain things or whatnot etc. Well I have one on my lower lip. And no it doesnt mean i'm gabby. Far from it actually.. Hm.. only at certain times i guess.. According to believe, ( i think) as my grandma used to tell me.. I'll never go hungry.

And for that I thank the Lord. ^_^

Me love food... ^0^

I live to eat, not eat to live..

K, sometimes i eat to live.. only sometimes.. ^_^(Y)

And those are the times, when i'm in need of food, and have none around, somehow food magically appears! Very good example would be today.

I usually attend Surgery classes (though it's boring as shit.. i noticed another thing. why is everything compared to shit.. taste like shit, heavy as shit, there's good shit bad shit.. shitty news, quotes like "this is the shit!", "i shit you not!", u can always look like shit, be as angry as shit, smell like shit.. i think shit has lost all meaning.. anyway) after Surgery class, we would have more or less and hour plus to kill before the next class, so we usually head off somewhere to eat. Seeing as how this time around, i skipped Surgery, woke up and late and rushed off to the next class, I didnt have anything to eat.

By the time class was over, my stomach was grumbling thunder, and no one wanted to follow me out to eat because everyone already ate. Dammit. Was too damn lazy to cook, so i ate bread. Well, Lo and Behold, my blockmate who went to the embassy to celebrate Army Day ( in all my life I've never heard of such a thing) came back yelling "I've got foooood for uuuuu!" ^_^ Satay, Kuah Kacang, Murtabak, Currypuff, Fried Rice and Orange Juice. Left overs. *drools*

I have luck when it comes to food. Yey!

This is my form of luck. For others they're in the form of money. My blockmate who's a scholar, gets about 2000RM a month, extra cash for winter clothings, goes to this sort of functions at the embassy (only for scholars) and gets another 20Usd. *faints* If only i was that lucky. =/ I'm thankful anyway, for all that I have. Little things are enough to please me. I guess I was brought up that way. Things that I long for are never material. Sucks though. Sometimes I wished that the things that I wanted could be bought with cash...

=/

Не забывай

Юлия Савичева - Высоко (Highly)

Не забывай (Don't forget)
Помни меня (Remember me )
Ты не один (You'r not alone )
Навсегда вдвоём (Forever together )

Не забывай (Don't forget)
Пламя огня (The flame of fire)
Где мы с тобой (Where you and me)
Греем себя (Warm each other)

Я улечу в себе (I will fly to myself)
Я улечу к тебе (I will fly to you)

На небо за звездой (On the sky behind a star)
Высоко... (High)
Тихий полёт (Quiet flight)
Это легко... (It is easy...)

На небо за звездой (On the sky behind a star)
Высоко... (High)
Тихий полёт (Quiet flight)
Это легко... (It is easy...)

Не забывай (Don't forget )
Сердце моё (My heart)
Песни мои (My songs)
Навсегда с тобой (Always with you)

Не забывай (Don't forget )
Ночи без сна (The nights without sleep)
Где мы с тобой (Where we’re together)
Я не одна (I'm not alone)

Я улечу в себе (I will fly to myself)
Я улечу к тебе (I will fly to you)

На небо за звездой (On the sky behind a star)
Высоко... (High)
Тихий полёт (Quiet flight)
Это легко... (It is easy...)

На небо за звездой (On the sky behind a star)
Высоко... (High...)
Тихий полёт (Quiet flight)
Это легко... (It is easy...)

Не забывай... (Don't forget..)

Losses in life..

We keep moving on, not even stopping to take a breath of air, because we can't afford to. We can't stop the things around us from spinning because if we do, we see things clearly. We have to come to terms as to what we've lost. But there are just times, when you get so tired of spinning. Tired of hiding. Tired of denial. Time catches up with you and everything sinks in.

breaking down.. breaking down..

Mother has been so upset recently. She confides in me because i understand. She breaks down when she's alone. Loss of a mother is not something one can get over with ease. Loss of a home, makes you feel unsafe.

worry.. I worry..

If she'll be ok without me. I worry about myself. Everything that I've lost recently in life, is all safely hidden away for the time being.

Denial.. denial..

Will i have to face it one day, or can i push it so far behind me that it'll merely be a speck in my life. Would i want that?

Prayers and faith.

Strength and courage.

Take me far.
---------------------------
May the things we lose in life be as such not because we want it or because we don't try, but because it's inevitable.

will the tragedies ever end

only thing i can wonder for now..

my house caught on fire 3 days ago, and only now they've decided to tell me.
not realizing how bad the situation was, i pushed it to the back of my head but now as it's slowly unraveling my mind can only be set to it's worrying mode. and i have yet to speak to my mum.

the whole top floor has been wiped out, and renovations have started, to replace everything. my house apparently doesn't even have a roof right now.. only good news, is that everyone is safe and well. just worrying bout finances. the insurance company most probably wont settle for covering all the expenses needed for the renovation. bladdy hell i thought that was what insurances are for.

there has to be a reason why bad things happen to good people. i honestly blame the damn neighbour since the fire started from his abandon house. sigh. worry worry.

just doesnt seem like a very good year for us.. and me..

in the mood of condemning people to hell.

Been having fever. I actually slept for more than 12 hours straight. I looked so sick that an elderly lady on the metro gave me seat. Must have been that bad. Haven't had anything to eat the whole day. My whole body's aching. Argh.. Just feel like complaining. Started snowing yesterday night. Damn. Winter this year came really late. I suppose it's a good thing.

It's so weird that the whole 12 hours i was sleeping, all i was dreaming of was some war that was going on. Made me even more tired than i already was. Skipping all my classes today. Just can't get up. My phlegm is thick and brownish and it's irritating that i have to get up every few minutes to spit it out. i just feel like collecting it in a jar and when i'm good and healthy i'll just pour it on someone i hate.

Been thinking of that movie. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. Actually seems like a good idea don't you think? If you live everyday with a pain that won't go away, isn't it easier to just do something like that to get rid of the memories. sigh. I dont know what i want in life.

I'm going to soak myself in the tub till i decide on what to do next. Will be playing for the Sukom games this Sunday. Pray i'll get well by then.

Hmm...

Funny but I just had this thought after watching The Investigator.

If all people who were gay are banned from the army, and if they all went to war and died, wouldn't it sum up to alot more gays left here on earth?

Guess that would be a good thing for us anyway but it Is something to laugh about isn't it?

For me at least..

Ha Ha..

Better?

well i haven't been posting anything because my laptop has KO-ed.
for those who do not know, this is equivalent to cutting my legs and asking me to run.
my laptop was more than the only source of entertainment, it was my library, my connection to the outside world, to my family, it was my newspaper.. easier said.. it was my everything.
all my music.. my work.. it's all there..

been using my roommate's laptop for the moment till i figure out what to do with mine.

been having breakdowns recently. can't seem to get my life in order. 3rd in medic school is more than stressful. and i'm so busy that days seem to just fly by so fast. only one more month to end of my semester. been having tests daily and sometimes it's just hard to breathe.

somehow life at the moment just seems like a total mess. I'M at total mess. i get so depressed sometimes just thinking bout my grandmother, my ex, my financial situation. i hate worrying. i'm never the type to worry bout things like this and now it just seems to be piling up on me. I let it all out when i drink. Everytime i drink, i cry.

Just wanna get my life in order. I still feel so lost that I can't seem to figure out what i want. I don't know what i want. I pray time will tell..
----------------
Love just seems to be in my face all the time. and i really don't need it. it hurts me.
Came across boyzone's new video and it's just full of it but it's somewhat soothing, especially seeing Stephen Gately getting lovey dovey with Kenny Solomons.

Glad i only go back there for 3 months max..

i wonder how we come to the conclusion that we're special to someone...

just to be crushed when you find out

you're actually not..

Are we all not just Men

If we fight for the things that we believe in,
If we fight for the things that matter to us,
If we fight for hope,
If we fight for the truth, or freedom, or peace,
If we fight for the people we care about,

Are we all not just men..

If we fight for Love.

There are two kinds of way people get back at each other.

One.. are the people who bangs stuff around. Ignore the shit out of you. Slam doors. Barge in and out. Walk around stamping their feet. Breathe fire out of their noses kind.

And there's people like me. People who smile in front of your face, but spits in your coffee. Keep silent and ignore the fact there's a problem, but we step on the things you put your head on. Use your clothes to wipe shit off the floor. I could give more examples but i dont think thats making me look good.

There are just times when you can't take it anymore.

Everything you do is getting to me. And it's building up. And there is no way to let this out, can of worms thing. And i'm trying to be the better person by just letting it slide for now.

Always making excuses for others..

Fucking tired of this shit. When can i just be...

i miss you..

Attention please, in case of fire..

there's been a fire recently in my hostel. one of the plugs in the room of some juniors had sparks which caught onto a bed and well, everything was just gone..

we were forced to evacuate from the building, taking only our personal belongings and documents such as passports.

you would probably expect everyone to be panicking and running amok, fortunately we were all very calm.

some grumbling, some overly excited about the fact that there's "A gathering macah!"

and some stoned asses,

"yo, lucky i got to take my cigs man"

"yea, and my wallet too, if not can't buy beer"

so they all sat down under the tree and drank beer and smoked cigs and lived happily ever after watching the juniors pose for pictures with the fire truck. (^_^) Y ..

Peace..

so remember kids, in case of fire, remember to take your camera phones, and your money for beer, so you can enjoy watching the pretty flames coming out of someone's window and be thankful it's not yours.

The End.

fucking birthday coming up.. dreading it.. i really dont feel like celebrating..

i'm a simple person... i never need much in life..

i don't ask for many things.. or people..

sometimes.. all you need is One..

goin crazy..

feel like imitating a muppet character..

laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

i like leavin my laptop on when i sleep..

it gives me that feeling like someone's watching me..

watching over me..

i feel safe..

i don't feel so alone..

days go by..

i'm so tired.. it's been a long day, yet i can't sleep.. i don't wanna sleep.

cos then tmr will come..

and before you know it, it'll be another day, and another day, and another day..

to me .. it's all just another day..

same old shit, diff ....

everyone leaves..

and i'll pretend to not care while they walk away..

i'm tired of trying to reconcile past relationships because it'll only hurt me more when there's no one at the other end answering as i knock..

i've been through it..for too many years..

i dont wanna put myself in that position anymore..

can i?

can i hv a word with happiness please..

i'm convinced that no one in this world is meant to be happy. everyone is bound to some sort of melancholic disorder that spreads around like a plague. if you're in love, it won't last long. and if it does last long you're most likely to lose them anyway, by any means eg death. i'm not hopeful and i'm tired of trying to be an optimist. because i can't see it that way right now.
------------
sleep deprived, stayed up till 3 studying. woke up at early to continue. i can't nap, i can't rest, i can't sleep at nights.

why oh why did i choose to study this proffesion.

sometimes i'm so numb, that i have to take the stethoscope and put to my chest to make sure my heart is beating. yet that doesn't convince me im alive.

bluer than blue

After you go
I can catch up on my readin'
After you go
I'll have a lot more time to sleepin'
And when you're gone looks like things
Are gonna be a lot easier
Life will be a breeze you know
I really should be glad

But I'm bluer than blue
Sadder than sad
You're the only light
This empty room has ever had
Life without you is gonna be
Bluer than blue

After you go
I'll have a lot more room in my closet
After you go
I'll stay out all night long if I feel like it
And when you're gone
I can run through the house screamin'
And no one will ever hear me
I really should be glad

But I'm bluer than blue
Sadder than sad
You're the only light
This empty room has ever had
Life without you is gonna be
Bluer than blue

I don't have to miss no TV shows
I can start my whole life over
Change the numbers on my telephone
But the nights will sure be colder

an epiphany struck.. and then.. there was nothing..

i think not alot of ppl know or have the instinct to read someone, their character, to know if their intentions are good or otherwise. it's like when you open up your email, and you read the title of the mail, you're sure to know if it's a spam mail, or a genuine one. having that ability to read that in people, is indeed a more difficult. so how well do you know yourself. i think i can tell from a mile away if someone is coming up to me to take advantage, to befriend me, or just simply to rile me up. doesn't necessarily have to been from afar of course. just being around that person for more a than a minute reveals their true intentions, their purpose of being your friend, of talking to you, or trying to get close to you. it's always easier though, to be sceptical about someone new. you give in a little, but you take in more. you don't get hurt that way.

i have no idea why i'm writing this. just came to mind..
----------------------------------------
in another story..

She came to me yesterday, looking somewhat proud and scared at the same time. Never saw her in that sort of way before. She extended her hand, a rose, a white rose. She was giving me a white rose and i was stunned. No one's ever given me a flower before and i didn't know to react. "i know nothing i say would make any difference, so i hope this flower says it all" she chirped. was she acting coy? couldn't tell. was still in awe of her actions. guess there's hope of humanity after all in this godforsaken place.

I've never felt more vulnerable, more lost, more unwanted in my life. It's like being thrown into exile. Like being in a black room, letting the darkness eat me inside out. I wish people would be more concerned. I wish life wouldn't just go on. I wish I could properly mourn for her. The funeral is tomorrow. It'll be a final goodbye for those lucky enough to be there. And I'm here, nothing's changed, everything's moving along like nothing's happened. Am I'm stuck in sorrow by myself. With people still laughing all around. People still making jokes. The world is spinning round. And I..

I couldn't sleep the whole night through. I kept waking up, thrashing around. I don't know why I'm angry. I'm getting irritated by everything around me, but I don't know why. Please don't try to be a friend if you don't know how. You end up saying the wrong things and it's just gonna piss me off futhur. I'm already at the edge, and if u push me off, i swear I might just lose hold of everything. I'm already hanging on by a thread. I'm not going to go around looking for sympathy. I'm not going to talk to people just for them to listen to me. I'm not like that. If you're a friend, you come to me. I'm fragile. Don't expect me to put myself out there anymore. No more.. No more..

Rest in Peace Ahma..

She loved flowers.. She hated worms.. She was strong, and that's how we'll remember her in our hearts. A woman who never let anyone around her see her flaws and weaknesses. She was a rock. She brought everyone around her strength. She was a true angel among angels. She was a responsible wife, a wonderful mother, and most of all she was The Best grandmother in the world. My grandmother.. My ahma..

I miss you so much. Dear Lord, please take good of her. She's happy now being where she always wanted to be. We remember her courage and we'll grieve the fact that she is no longer here, but she will always be with us.. walk with me, Ahma. We all miss you so much. I wish i was home. I wish we could have our final goodbyes. I'm sorry for all the mistakes I've done. But i know what you'll say. You'll say don't worry. Ahma is happy now. Ahma wanted this for so long. Please be at peace. You told me when i was young, that if Ahma went to heaven, Ahma will let me see what heaven looks like in my dreams. Visit me Ahma. Visit me often. I pray you're in that place you dreamt of once, living on hill top, with a cat and a dog, and a view overlooking the wonders of God. Ahma don't have to use your oxygen concentrator anymore. Ahma can sing, now that you'll have your voice back. Sing Ahma, so I'll be able to hear you when I look to the skies. I'll be looking for you. Watch over me....

study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study
stu.....Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

K.O

Soul searching searched?

Of most times i wanna just speak out my mind, and pour out these questions that run through my head, but i fear the answers that come back to me, is not something i wanna hear.
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Been sick these couple of days. Immune system down and I just feel like sleeping it all off.. Hate feeling incompetent but I really am during these situations. Been gladly popping pills for about 2 weeks now. Headaches won't go away. Probably gonna get liver failure at an early stage in my life. pfft.
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Sometimes it keeps coming back to me, hits me with a jolt. Sometimes several times in a minute like clips flashing in my mind and it hurts everytime to the point that I can't take no more. How long can you keep this up my friend? You're getting no where.
----------
You can only see who you really are.. when you're alone..

I'm not happy

i dont know why either.. i can't help myself..

i'm just me..


happy birthday to someone out there..

Calling out ...

u're so superficial, u disgust me..

to love and be loved

by no one else, but you. for all those moments where u pulled me down and soared me to the skies. i could fly, i could float, i could walk on water, i could be the world. we were the world. every hunger deep down inside, fullfilled with just one look of you. the wonder of you. the wonder of you. love in every true meaning of it. touched me so deep, i couldn't breathe at times, it was on the brim of choking, yet i was trying to take it all in. getting everything i could at every second, and it was pure bliss like being in a that one true place of fantasy you could only imagine in your dreams.

loneliness is a bitch

you know that feeling you get.. when u're with a crowd, but u still feel really alone.. u're into the conversation, and u fit in just right, but still, they seem like they don't get you.. something's not right. that emptiness, that nothingness you feel when u get back home.. when u lie alone in ur bed.. i used to have all that feelings, no different from right now.. but at least i went back to someone.. i lay in bed knowing that there was someone out there who cared.. who loved me.. now.. it's just nothing.. it's just me.. one and only, The Lonely..

out of service

i'm not going to write in here for awhile. i dont feel like speaking out loud.

email add is there..

A time for moderation and balance. Sometimes the best thing to do is to wait. Patience. The need to step back and let things happen.

remember

remember the times, remember the memories, remember how we were, remember the feelings, remember the love.. remember us..

tired of life

money has always been a problem for me.. i dont think anyone understands this. i'm not rich, and my mother has always been one good example for me in ways to save and to not waste away money on things that we dont' need. sad to say i've followed in that example to the point that i dont buy anything at all. not for myself, not for other people, not for anyone. one thing i've dared not ask for my mum, is always money. money money... root of all evil and now its gotten me in a tangle with my mum who now refuses to talk to me and wants to cry in her pillow. i feel like such an idiot sometimes. i never tell them the truth at times. at times, i dont eat just to save money. yes, i dont eat, i know i will get sick this way, but in order to just have enough money for the month, i do that. that's not even to save aside! that's just so i can still survive so i wont have to ask for money from them. they can provide, i know they can. but everytime i ask them for money , it hurts me so much. does it sound like i'm suffering? sigh i dont know. maybe i am. maybe that's just how i am. i'm a very simple type of person. but sometimes it does get to me and just get frustrated because i dont know what to do. get a job here? it's illegal, you're not allowed to do business of any sort, there's the language barrier, and i have friggin no time to take a job because of my study time. so i generate money, by cooking and selling stuff to other students when i'm in need of cash.

but sometimes my frustration gets to me and that's when i get it. that's when it comes back to me because as i was talking to my grandparents, i dont know why i told them i dare not ask my mum for money. which indirectly makes my mum look bad and that's when my double dose of heacache came. i care not to go into futhur details from here, because i'm so sick and tired of life that all i wanna do now is lie down.. crying over her, crying over my mum, crying over my family, crying over money.. just fucking tired of all this.. i just wanna pray that when i sleep, i wont wake up anymore.. it's easier that way. problems problems.. sighh

btw, my mum rarely uses the word fuck on me, so when she does, i know she means it..

wat the fuck la

so fucking mad right now. stop putting yourself down on everything. who fucking cares what your parents think. you have your own family. don't you even know how to stand up for yourself to them. you know what's right and you know me. you damn well know me. grandparents are a bunch of people who will worry for no reason about their grandchild okay!! duhh!! so do you wanna believe everything they say and put yourself down and say you're useless and you torture your children. why? there is an explanation to everything. and this time it's call MISUNDERSTANDING! all i said is what i said, they took it the wrong way, and they call you to tell them what they think is right and you believe them, you hit yourself to the ground and then u shout at me when i'm trying to tell you what happened.. why are you so insecure with yourself that you have to put yourself down like that. you know us.. your children.. you know ur parents.. you know ur dad.. then why oh why would you take this so personally. i really regret talking to my grandparents, i regret doing everything i ever did, and i really am sorry.. K?!!

i hate my life..

hate feeling like shit every morning.. couldnt' sleep again

m tryin so hard to keep myself occupied.. so i'm solving the rubik's cube again and again.. if i stop.. i'll break down and just bawl..
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bck in msia i've already found the perfect way to get to london, i have a feeling she didnt believe me then when i said i was going. i even asked her about it. keeping myself occupied on finding the perfect date to go so it'll be cheaper.. think i found it..

is it my fault? did i do something wrong? wasn't i trying to change? wasn't i trying to do more?

i'm trying so hard.. through this pain and tears, i'm not going to give up.. i'm gonna keep on fighting for us.. because it's worth everything i have to give. You're worth everything i have to give.. ='( even if i die trying..

Dreams come true
Everyone says so, but I can’t see it
Dreams come true
There are times when I can’t say that myself
Dreams come true
There are times when no matter how much I believe, it doesn’t work out
And when I try, your voice makes me sad
Dreams come true
Surely the time will come when I can say that?

Everyone gets up like that, and questions things
But still, we don’t give up, we keep walking towards the future

Everyone gets up like that, and questions things
But still, we don’t give up, we keep walking towards the future

WHAT SHOULD I DO.. SOMEONE PLS HELP ME.. WHAT SHOULD I DO.. I HATE THAT I CRY SO MUCH.. I HATE THAT I CAN'T FLY TO HER RIGHT NOW AND TELL HER HOW I FEEL. I HATE THAT I DONT HAVE MONEY THAT I EVEN HAVE TO COOK AND SELL STUFF JUST TO BREAK EVEN.. I HATE CRYING.. I HATE THIS.. I HATE EVERYTHING...

but you..

='(

it's pathetic, that my mornings are awaken to have conversations with you. it's just that, no one else understands me. still a damn headache that's about to implode in my head. when wil it ever stop. i slept for more than 12 hours and i'm still exhausted, with this excruciating pain that won't go away. i decided to skip lectures. i can't concentrate anyway. i find it so hard to breathe sometimes. i even have to hide my phone, just to stop myself from messaging her. makes me feel like an addict. gawd, i'm so addicted to her. i'm trying to respect her wishes, but how much more of this can i take. it's taking everything that i have. all the energy in me, just to live. and it's doing anything but making me live. i have only 3 years left on my side before i'm done with all this studying and we've been through so much. why... please tell me why..

dont lose hope

she really ended things with me. i'm not even allowed to message her or talk to her anymore. the truth always hurts more. speaking the truth out loud is even more painful. so i'm not going to do that here. i'm not going to say what i think, merely how i feel. and how i feel, frankly is fucking crappy. PAIN.. PAIN.. DOES THAT REGISTER IN YOUR F'KG HEAD!! i get so messed up in situations like this. my emotions are hay wire. i sit down and burst into tears all of a sudden, or i talk to someone and i bladdy hell just snap at them. i try to smile, but i'm too tired to pretend it's all okay. i can't sleep. and when i do i get this spasms, and i just hit everything cause i'm so fucking frustrated and when i try to calm myself down to fall asleep, all i can think of is jamming a pen into my heart because it's aching.. literally aching. maybe cos my heart's not there. sigh. but i've made a choice bout something a long time ago, and i'm still gonna go for it. hope gets us far right. hope has brought me so much. and that's one thing i'm not going to give up on...

i pray that when you find yourself.. you wont let anything stand in your way of what you want, not even yourself.

Hope

i just had to put this up. this is the most beautiful and touching thing that i've ever seen. i don't know why, it just touches me so deep inside. maybe .. just maybe we can all have a fairy tale ending. i see this, and i know.. nothing comes easy, but through it all, if we fight for what we really want, maybe, just maybe....

ps: this is for u b. i know u'll like this too.. love u for always.. mwhx

feel like writing out what's happened, and what's to be.. but i rather not think about it. for the best i guess. like she said, we're like this couple, who's time is just not right yet. we're friggin perfect for each other, we're like two peas in a pod, but where we are right now, it's just making it difficult for us. she prefers to not be together, to avoid thinking or planning our future. i on the other hand have already had in mind what i want it to be. it's a dream.. for me, still a dream i wanna make happen.. and it'll come true.. cos you and me, b.. there's no denying our love. it's so clear to see.. we can't live without each other.. so for now, i'll settle for being your best friend.. we'll still be lovey dovey from time to time, but like you said, no thinking bout anything.. for now.. we'll try to keep it mellow for now. other people might not get it.. but i do.. i know what she wants.. and it hurts either way, but through it all b, you gotta remember.. you'll wake up every morning still, knowing that i'm yours.. and i'll always be.. love you for life.. my angel..

We were as one
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine
Now you want to be free
So I'll let you fly
Cause I know in my heart
Our love will never die

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you cant escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're ever gonna shake me
Oh darling, cause you'll always be my baby

I ain't gonna cry
And I won't beg you to stay
If you're determined to leave girl
I will not stand in your way
But inevitably, you'll be back again
Cause you know in your heart babe
Our love will never end

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you cant escape me
Ooh darling cause youll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time cant erase a feeling this strong
No way youre ever gonna shake me
Oh darling, cause you'll always be my baby

I know that you'll be back girl
When your days and your nights get a little bit colder
I know that you'll be right back baby
Oh baby believe me it's only a matter of time

You'll always be a part of me
Im part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're ever gonna shake me
Oh darling, cause you'll always be my baby

i can feel a change in myself already. will it take over me completely or is this a phase. only time will tell, only time will heal right? already i feel alone. already i feel so out of place. so uncomfortable with everything. i feel so foreign in this place, my own room, my own body. I know i'll be ok. I wont die, though i do feel like dying inside right now. sad to say i feel you're the only thing i can talk to right now without the fear of being judged, or scolded or resented. i can hardly open my eyes, i try not to. my tears will just keep flowing. if i'm to be alone without you, then i will be alone completely. what's the purpose of mixing with others and pretending to be happy when you know that only one person that makes you happy. i can't do that. i know she can. of course i'll pray everyday she'll come back to me. she'll decide that she can't do this. but i know her, no matter how hard it is for her, she'll fight it, she die trying to be without me just to prove that she can. i know in time what will happen if this goes on but perhaps its best not to say it out loud. i can still look to the skies and pray she'll come back to me. shit, so fucking hard to type with my eyes keep blurring out. i seem so pathetic don't i. i'm not like that you know. it's just, with her, she was my weak spot. my weakest.. i get pissed if anyone says anything about her, i get so down when she's blue, and i'm the happiest person in the world when she laughs. sometimes i feel i resemble a lost puppy. she took me in, took care of me, and loved me. it's just that now she realises that it's too much for her and she's kicking out. i think too much. didn't occur to me till now. i used to be like that, before i met her and during the beginning of our relationship. she used to tell me that all the time too. i think too much. i worry too much. fuck that it's starting to come back to me. i talk to myself alot too. had no one else to talk to. even if i did, i don't know how to. words just don't seem to come out as easy with anyone else. sometimes its more formal. i dont wanna fucking cry, somehow that's all i do. if i let myself be, i know all the memories of us will just flood back and i'll die crying. how can i be so stupid to think that someone like her could actually be mine forever. seems like such a foolish dream now. i couldn't be there for her, physically. all this feelings of hurt and pain and anger and confusion is just, so much to handle right now. i miss her so much. and i feel everytime i sms her to just tell all this, it's not something she wants me to do. i'm fucking starting to be sceptical again. i hate that. i'm starting to resent everything again. i don't wanna live like that. but the thing is i dont know how to feel anymore. i dont know what i'm suppose to feel. i dont know if i should just lie to myself and be strong, i dont know if i should be angry with life, i don't know if moping and sulking would make me feel better, i dont know anythign anymore. i dont know.. i feel so lost in a fucking pitched black world. i think i'll feel safe in this room. then again i pray that when i step out, something would hit me and i'd die. wouldn't it be easier. i am hating happy people right now. i don't want to be around couples, if you know what i mean. but i guess i'm stuck with that right. i don't want to be around people for that matter. just leave me alone. maybe i should run away. i have the cash, i haven't paid fees yet. i could just take off. sighhhhhhh. why is it i feel i can't care anymore. and i know that's bad cos i have so many responsibilities here, but i just can't care. i tried to sleep but the whole night i woke up in an empty room with the will only to drive a metal shard through my heart. i'm not being dramatic, that was what i wanted. i'm feel i'm dying inside. i feel so tired. sigh. i loved her so much. she asked me to let her go. does her happiness mean more than mine. yes. but this is what's going to kill me. i loved her so much godamnit. i loved her wtih all my heart. why the fuck are you so cruel to me God. bring her back to me. fuck you. see this is what i'm afraid of. that if i walk out i might just burst into tears. you've seen forgetting sarah marshal right? that guy is exactly how i was, how i am. so frustrated. what did i do wrong? she was my angel. and i spent everyday and every second caring for her. i appreciated her like god's gift to me. i showered her with love.. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh how can something hurt so muchhhhhh.. every memory is like a jolt of electricity running throught my fucking brain. help me.. someone please help me cos i dont think i can help myself right now. no one has ever made me cry this much. no one has ever touched me like she did. ahh god i feel like jamming a pen in my eye. fuck it. i'm not weak. i was never weak. not till her. somehow everything before her was forgotten, but it's coming back. maybe drinking is all i need. i quit smoking. i really don't wana smoke anymore. i gave it up for her. gahhhhhhhhh i wanted her. i wanted to be with her. i wanted love. maybe i wanted too much. no one really gets everything right. not wrong to dream still.. so i shall, i shall dream of us b. living together, in the house u dreamed of. where every morning you'll wake up to my kisses, and my words of i love you. where flowers that i've plucked would be greeting you in a vase on the table. our dog, Boris will be hopping all over you as you walk down the stairs. I'll hold you every morning telling you how i'm the happiest person in the world because i've found an angel. I'll hold you like i always do around your waist. Kiss you goodbye as i go off to work and when i return we'll sit in our hall talking about our day. and after dinner i'll carry you to our room and make love to you. kiss you from head to toe. breathing in your sweet smelling hair, suckling on your amazingly clean toes. your perfect long legs curled around me. i'm gonna miss all that, i'm gonna miss all of you, every part of you. while i still have that little bit of faith left in me, that you'll one day be mine again, i'll dream.. i'll pray.. i'll hope..

For mum

I hope you know, you're the world to me. There's no one else that can replace you. I dont say it just because, but i do mean it.. You're the world's best mum. I cry when i think i have to part with you. I see how you love us unconditionally, and i say if often but it's still not enough. Ma, i love you. There are no words to say, no position to place you, because you're the queen of my heart. I pray one day you'll see, me love you mummy. *runs to mummy and hugs.. damn, i know i'm gonna cry later at the airport.. =(

Well, heading back to Moscow tomorrow morning. It's like a death sentence. Finally packed everything. I hope the weight on my luggages are okay. Was praying i could talk to b. She's the only one who can take away this nervous feelings of mine.Mum is sleeping =/ Kept calling her, but i think she's already at her friend's place. Again she didnt tell me she was already going. She hates reporting to me, she says.
Feeling so down right now. It's the 4th time leaving. Can that be right? How time flies. Keep praying you'll call me. That you'll be thinking of me, so maybe you'll message me and tell me you miss me. Anything to cheer me up!! Getting bouts of stomach ache again. Argh, pray this doesn't happen during the flight. I'm leavinggggggggg... I'm leaving in a few hours, and i all i wanna do now is talk to you... where r u.. =(

I've never felt happier, more alive, more comfortable and at home than when im with you.. sometimes i just dont know how else to say it, and i pray that i'm with you, you can see, thru my actions, my gestures, how much i love you. i promise you, you're the only one. and with you, i just wanna be the most caring, most loyal, lovable, sweetest thing you've ever known in the world, because that's what you are to me.. i love you my darling angel.. always will..

Utterly bored. No one is home. My younger sister is studying for SPM and I have nothing to do. The list for National Service came out last week. I for one am glad my sister didn't get chosen. There's always been this rumor saying that if any one of your siblings have been to NS, most likely you wont be chosen, so my sister is thanking me for her luck. But unlike her, most of her friends are applying for it, excited to enter. Don't get the purpose of NS. Never did. Supposedly to instill patriotism in the younger generation, no one ever comes out of NS being any more patriotic than when they first entered. Everyone just comes out saying, OOh what fun it was. And it does more harm than good, when every year, someone just dies from it. And now, most people who are applying for NS are those troublemakers, in which they'll be taught how to handle firearms and whatnots. Brilliant..

------------------------
Too free..too bored..

I actually found this book in mph. Never knew anyone could come up with something like this. It teaches sentences like "Oh, it's so big" and "Your pussy hair is so curly, how cute" Yee.Means END, but i forgot in what language. Just remember being so amused by this. Found it in the lobby of the hotel i was staying at in phuket. Was screaming, look Ma, slut slut.. wahahah. "Ma, slut..". think i embarrassed my mum.

Aren't these two just the cutest! They're you and me, B.

One of my fav pics. Reminds me of that scene in the Love Guru. Distraction... oooooo
ACTIONS.. SPEAK LOUDER.. THAN BLOGS.. this was a tshirt.. would hv gotten it, if it had my size.. alas..

what is it with people and pink nipples?

sawadeeka Mr. Ronald

--------------------------
Suppose to have two moons tonight.. Gonna stand out and look for it.. weee

My baby is back, my baby is back, My baby is back, my baby is back, My baby is back, my baby is back, My baby is back, my baby is back, My baby is back, my baby is back, My baby is back, my baby is back. Weeeeee..

Everything at an end

Well, the Beijing Olympics has come to an end, and so have my holidays. Well, almost. Have about, two weeks left before i head back to hell. As I was watching the closing ceremony, I was almost certain that everyone watching was sure to be skeptical about the fireworks we were seeing on TV. The closing ceremony wasn't as grand as the opening that's for sure but a job well done overall. Who's to say if the amount spent on this Olympics is worth it or necessary. Can't blame the Chinese for being so damn 'kiasu'. It's what they do best. They have every right to show off as well, seeing as how they Are a great country. Clearly shown, during the opening ceremony, when they put on a show for everything they've invented, eg. silk, fireworks, paper, the scroll.. I was of course much disappointed by Malaysia's performance, especially in Taekwondo. I sat and watched all of our taekwondo and badminton players, cheering them on with a little flag of Malaysia I stole from Crystal Crown hotel, and yet they lost.. bwahhh.. lol but of course kudos to Lee Chong Wei. Only wished his last match didnt seem so much like a little boy being beaten down in the school yard.

I have however developed a new crush on a certain Martina Zubcic. She walked into each match as though she was going for a party (this i quote from the commentator because even they were much amused by her.) She walks around the ring with the sweetest smile on her face, but when the referee shouts 'charyeot' her cries of battle begins. Being a student in the art, one thing that I've always loved about the sport was the discipline instilled in every student but of course in the case of Angel Matos that's just down the drain. It's all to do with technicality. Even the scoring system is a little off. 3 out of the 4 judges are required to press down on the buzzer a second after what they consider a hit. Anysecond more and it's not counted. So many hits and points failed to be awarded because of the system. Guess some of it is by luck. Good thing, my Martina Zubcic won bronze. If not I'd really be furious. Hyiakkk!

Ever since i was kid, i always had this feeling that i was suppose to be in a different body. Sometimes have reoccurring dreams that i was someone else. But over the years, i've managed to accept who i am for what i am. And if i am comfortable with the body God gave me, then I'm going to be the way he made me in every way, inside out. On how I am, and how i love and whom i love. For I believe, then He'll love me for being me. Will you?
------------------------

Btw, is slightly offended and annoyed everytime i hear Katy Perry's ' I kissed a girl' song playing on the radio. It is uncalled for to censor out the word 'girl'? As if hearing it would make any heterosexual or any potential homosexual jump of the bridge to 'gay land'.

Ooo yes, encoded in the song are actually chants.. " Come join us in the lala gay land.. "

Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo... lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala

Join us, be gay and merry XD

Want some of this ? Come get it..

Back..

from ipoh.. spent the weekend there with my grandma. Dad sat us down and talked to us like little children awhile back. Grandma isn't very strong anymore. Breathing from only half of her left lung, she has to constantly walk around with an oxygen concentrator. He also told my mum secretly, that if anything were to happen to her while we were away studying *touch wood, he would not let us know, for he wouldnt wanna buy us tickets to bring us back. Just thinking bout not being able to say goodbye to her makes my heart break.

Was suppose to blog about my trip to phuket and to the durian plantation ( not a fan of durians, but what's free is worth stuffing ur face for, yeah kiasu.. i'm chinese, wat to do ). Not in the mood of doing that anymore after i got a call from an old friend.

K : you sitting down?
Me: yeah, i'm lying down. 'sup
K : have a lot of things to tell u. just wanna mk sure u're prepared

I rolled my eyes, thinking this is gonna be one of her jokes again. She messaged me online last year, claiming she was pregnant. Everyone knows about how sexually active she and her boyfriend are, so it wouldnt be completely unbelievable if it did happen. Turned out, it was just a joke. So i was expecting something of the sort when she called me again. But this time, it was different. She was sniffling.

Me: Are you sick again?
K : No.... .... I just have .. erm.. flu..
Me: What? And flu is not an illness to u lah..

First of all, you must know, K, isn't one of the sharpest people in the world. Saying she's quite blur would be an understatement. You can smack her hard, anywhere, and she'll respond only about a minute later. Don't ask me bout that. So when she said she had flu, something told me she was just being her blur self again, but my instincts told me otherwise. She's been with this guy for like 4 years already. And everyone thought that they had it good. They seemed happy. But not everyone's that lucky.

K : Damn, i'm waiting for him to get out the room so i can go in and talk to u.
Me: Why can't you talk to me from where you are?
K: *hesitates* We broke up 4 months ago. And right after we broke up, i found out i was pregnant.

I stuttered and came out with a bunch of incomplete questions "How the.." , "What the..", "When the.." etc. She was 11 weeks pregnant. Being the blur bum she was, she realised it after that long and of course she immediately went for an abortion.

Now the question in my mind, is how can anyone be so insensitive. To not bother to even show up during the procedure, to parade around with someone new in front of her, and to retort, "what do you want me to do" when she complains of sharp pains after her abortion. Are only guys like that? I wonder IF two women in a relationship were to be in the same situation, would there be any sort of similarity? How can people just end relationships like that after being together for so long? And what of same-sex couples? Is it any harder? Easier? Or just the same. Wish i knew of someone who's in a same-sex relationship, who's been in it for many years, and still going strong. Give me some assurance..

Bimbo week

What is it about Gossip Girl, that makes everyone go on and on about it? When I was still in moscow, my younger sis had mentioned that it was interesting and i should give it a try, my girlfriend which surprised me by watching it, because as far as i know, she's been far too busy too watch anything at all, let alone some bimbotic show. The show, revolving around the lives of some upper classed bunch of teens of whom are all involved in sex, and drugs and booze and just entangling themselves in their own sick games and causing lame drama which is so predictable, that i've been able to foresee every ( k, not every.. most tho) twist/shocker that was coming. But that was my first impression on the very first day i saw it, i mean, right till the end of the season i did still feel it was a bimbotic show, but at least it was bareable and the only reason would be because of the infatuation and crushed i have developed on one of the characters... hehehe.. Serena van der Woodsen.. ahhh u're so cutee....

(to my gf, i just wanna say i hv every right to be infatuated with this character, only bcos u like shane from the L word in an insane amount that u could actually spot a look alike of her during the pride in london, so =p leave me be ... hehehe )

To continue, I've never seen a character so bubbly, so sweet, and funny and completely adorable and at the same time be so gorgeous and sexy. Her voice, may be a bit hoarse and she's bit taller than she should be but, gawd her smile is made to melt all weak hearts alike mine and she's cute from hair to toe nail and even that mole underneath her right eye makes her look endearing.

(i have a feeling someone is gonna kill me for this stupid post that my instincts tell me to stop talking about her now.. =p she's just a character, bay. U're the reality ;)

Serena, you're always welcomed to invade my dreams however you may like ;)

Apart from watching the whole season of Gossip Girl, I've started watching Girlicious, which is a reality television series, in search for young girls who are pussycat dolls wanna-be. Believe me, it's not my choice to watch this sort of series, but seeing as how my sister just returned today from Ukraine, and she and my mum wanted to watch it, I gave in. It's not a total lost for me anyway. I don't mind staring at pretty girls who shake their booty while singing to groovy songs ( take note that the thing i mentioned first is of course more important to me than the latter =p ) At first, I was sticking out my tongue to almost every girl that appeared on screen because, honestly speaking, no one stood out. They were all bitchy, and they just kept on blowing their own horns, and then after a few episodes, I realised this one girl who actually caught my eye. She wasn't the best of the best, but somehow she had something in her that catches everyone's attention. I asked my sister bout her and she said that almost every guest star that appeared on that show immediately had a liking towards her. So, I silently clapped my hands and leaned my body forward a little nearer to the tv trying to get a better look at her. I wondered out loud if she won in the end, and everyone just gave me i-dont-wanna-know-the-ending-yet look. So, fine, I'm browsing bout it right now.. and guess what.. she won! HeHe. Well, she wasn't the only one, because the whole purpose of the show is to form a new girl group but who cares, as long as she's in, cause that just means i would prolly be seeing alot more of her on TV. XD

Ooh, wont you dance for me, dear Natalie?

I would like to say, "i could loosen up your buttons, baby" but that would be crossing a line and my Mrs wouldnt be too happy. So, my week of bimbotic shows wasn't all that bad. If it weren't for all the ladies, I would have been rolling my eyes instead of searching for my glasses just so i could get a better look. Can't wait for the next season of Gossip Girl, and as for Girlicious, I'll watching you *wiggles eyebrows* =p

And as i quote gossip girl ( and my mum) till next time 'you know you love me.. XOXO' (blergh.. so geli). Bimbos...XP

~my every mood gone, my happiness .. put on hold~

Good morn Msia..

Hey! Morning! It's been the 11th day since I've been back in Malaysia! Yippie. This time coming bck home I didnt feel as foreign as I used to feel. Home felt like home immediately. I used to have trouble adjusting when i came home every year. For the first few days, I admit to doing absolutely nothing but eat and sleep, and when i say i did only that.. i really mean it. I wake up for breakfast, groggily and greedily i munch what's on the table, and then head off to bed. I am then awaken by my lil schnauzer for lunch (yea, he's usually assigned to do this sort of work, of calling people for lunch and dinner, and he does a good job really making sure u get up and get out of the room!). After lunch is when the whole house gets really quiet. Nap Time! Mum and my younger sis really have the same aptitude.... for sleeping... the whole day.. -_-'' it's hard to wake them up, and if you do, you get dagger stares. So what else is there to do, when the whole house is dead asleep, I've nothing to do but join them. I've been so bored at home. My laziness has prohibited me from playing playstation, reading books or even going out. So yes, for the first few days back home, my main activity was sleeeeeeppp.. and it was gooood. Catching up on my 40 winks..more like a million actually.

Alright, besides sleep, since I've been back, I've been to Genting, and tesco and giant too but i dont think that counts as anything special. Air supply came to Genting and since my love for bekalan udara has been like forever, my mum took us all to watch. Woot woot! The best concert I've seen in Genting so far. The sound system was fantastic, Graham and Russell interacted with the crowd by jumping down from the stage (well, not really jumping down la.. they're too old for that) and they shook hands with almost everyone (not me of course, cos this sort of thing never happens to me .. bluekk ). Enjoyed myself either way, so.. me happy ^_^

I have my attachment to do next monday, and way before that I had so much trouble deciding where I wanted to do. I already applied for SJMC but had originally wanted to do it in Klang. So off I went to Klang Hosp. asking around if they would allow me (one small person!) to just join the other 100 over students that had already applied earlier. Of course they said no. So I was stuck between hopping hospitals and just taking a random chop later on and signing it myself or just doing it in SJMC. I chose the latter. Wasn't really sure on how to get there, so i wanted to take the KTM yesterday all the way to subang to see if i can find my around but my parents had been so kind to offer me a ride just to show me the way. Since i was going there i decided, what the heck, might as well inquire what's needed to prepare for my practicals. Unfortunately, upon getting there, I found out the person in charge is not in and me asking everyone else about my attachment just created some havoc. They were even more worried that I actually started on that day itself and when I said I just wanted to prepare myself, i realised i sounded damn right 'kiasu'.. hahah.. that's what a student's attitude should be like right? =p

Dress code... no jeans.. office wear .. and closed shoes.. Sounds nothing at all like me. I pouted on the fact i had to wear office clothes and my mum gave me that -_-'' look. She's been so helpful (biasa la.. mums) she asked her friends if there were any formal shirts (my kinda style) that they could lend to me. And I'm suppose to go out today to look for shoes.. Knowing me, I'm gonna pick something simple, and cheap.. huahuahua.. ^_^

ppl just do what they like isn't it. it's just times like this when u need to say u hate the fucking world. just today my blockmate said, dont let ppl step all over you. u know wat.. i fucking think thats right.. why should wat you do affect me when i didnt do a fucking thing wrong.. u wanna do things according to ur mood .. fine.. u wanna ignore me and treat me cold .. fine.. show off your fucking mood somewhere else. don't do this shit to me and expect me to be normal with it the next day.. i'm tired of it.. i never expected anything from you. i wish i could say i'm used to it. screw la.. i'm tired of doin this shit over and over again la.... how many ppl have done this to me and acknowledge me whenever they feel like it..... i'm gonna try and change... being nice gets you NO WHERE... ALL YOU FUCKING GET IS HURT.... IGNORANCE IS BLISS... AND BLISS I SHALL GET FROM NOW ON....

( i rarely lose my temper.. if it comes to this.. then u know it's bad.. )

what would it take for people to accept PLU

I wonder if the world doesn't change, would it all end up to something similar..

Lesbians Die After Setting Selves On Fire

this isn't their pic btw, just found it a long time ago. seemed appropriate to put up.

It's a saturday night. I get insomnia on saturday nights. I'm not sleepy, not tired, not aware.... and i tend to just sit down and talk to myself. And when I get bored of talking to myself, I type out whatever is in my head. Which is pure, unadulterated nonsense, most of the time. I don't know why I do this. I've been doing this ever since I was a teenager, which of course I'm not anymore. Why do people do that? Right when you hit 20, is it so much fun to say "when I was a teen.. ". No idea. And so, I start thinking, and that hamster in my head is running the wheel..
and there it goes...

'I think more than half the people in this world knows what solitude is. To lay down in bed alone night after night wishing that someone could just be there beside them. The nights are the worse. It's that period of time, before you drift off to sleep that your mind starts wandering to thoughts that would only make you toss and turn in bed even more, or for some to just cry themselves to sleep. I begin to wonder how many people in this world can actually claim that they're happy. To me, happiness, it's an emotion that's so easy to find, but sometimes to hard to gain. You see it all around, on people's faces, in their laughter, and sometimes that just makes me green. I think people who are happy, tend to be oblivious to others who are not, and those who aren't, are too involved in their own emotions that they don't realise those who are in the same boat.'

At this point, I have a feeling I should just stop. I know i'm gonna sound like a maniac if i continue on just typing whatever comes to mind. I actually have alot of this self conversations saved somewhere on my laptop. I actually miss the times, before laptops and desktops were invented, where instead of doing this, we had to scribble everything out on paper with a pencil or a pen and to just crumple up that piece of paper was satisfying. Now, you have to hit that backspace on your key board. That doesn't even release any tension built up. Plus it looks lame. Crumpling up that paper would have at least shown that you're transfering all your anger there, and throwing it away would be symbolising you letting all your anger go. See, it's metaphorical.

Right, the sun is up and this post is so random, that it doesn't even make any sense. I dont care. To my darling, I know you'll complain bout this post, so before you say anything, I wanna say.. I love youuu.. lol. Gnite dear. Hope you feel better tomorrow.
~end~

Glory, glory Man Utd!!

They won! Woot!













Much to lazy to write anything. Just felt like putting pictures of the UEFA pre-game fest. up. I only had two hours of sleep yesterday. Did some last minute cramming after watching the match. Kinda beat now but can't sleep. Anyway more pics to come..

UEFA in Moscow

Today was an eventful day for me. I woke up at 9.30am with the plan to go to red square today. Yes, UEFA finals are here in Moscow and they've set up booths and all sorts of games and free souvenirs to collect and knowing us Malaysians, getting freebies is what we do best. Even at Tesco or Giant or other supermarkets, when handing out free food, you know we'll go at least twice, taking two or three tiny pieces of cutlets on toothpicks at a go.

"This is for my brother, and that's for my mum, my dad, how bout my sis too, uncle, aunty, cousin, grandma, grandpa" and all sorts of other relatives you could think of at that time.

Anyway when I arrived there, the placed was already packed with people. I started off lining up to take a picture with The trophy that was in a glass box. Tell you one thing, it's good to know alot of people, and to be able to talk well, for it helps u in life. And that helped me alot today because I managed to bump myself and my friends all the way up to almost the finish of the line.Wee. In the mean time, we took shifts waiting in line, so we could walk around and explored the rest of the booths. They were giving away free pins, and bags and everything that I managed to take, I took at least 3 or 4. Hehe.

Ex players of Chelsea and Manchester United were there to sign autographs today as well. And it was my mistake that I didnt follow my friends to see him for they were giving away free t-shirts! But I did pass the bags that I had for her to get a signature from Graeme Le Saux which was good enough for me. I wanted one from Man U as well but my friend forgot to get it signed.

I did get a master card (fake one of course) that's in black, written with orange words, UEFA champions final Moscow 2008 with my face on the side, holding a trophy. All done thru a computer. But damn, we had to wait in line for more than 2 hours and I started growing impatient towards the end because blardee Russians at the back were pushing, complaining that they had waited for far too long. Ruffians. Everyone was tensed at that point. Even my friend at the back starting biting my shoulder. I thought she was just placing her chin on my shoulder, which I'm sure you realised it's painful (if someone has done that to you). Anyway, she did bite me, twice, which did freak me out a bit, but i guess under this circumstances, everyone's bound to get a little wild. I was standing next to this Malaysian guy which I mistook for a Russian girl earlier and had said to him "Blah la, pompuan" only to have him look back at me in shock. I quickly turned away. Hehe. He was trying to cut in front of me at that time but i forgot that he was the guy who had initially been standing in front of me. Befriended him later on anyway.

There was this playstation booth as well. And... they had a contest. A karaoke contest! I think one thing foreigners don't know about Malaysians are, they're artistic musically. Sort of in a tribal way, you would say.. Haha. You know we have syairs which is kinda like poetic reading i guess. Even reading their Quran, they have this sing song way of reading it. I think that's why Malays' are good singers. Anyway, the Malaysians (most of them were from my uni) were crowding the booth, beating all the high scores of others before them. All were singing with one goal, to win the PS3 which was the prize given to winner. And then, I step in.. muahahahahhaha. I had no intention of getting high points or anything. I just sang for the fun of it. All the more I was having flu and cough which made my voice sound very nasal. Singing to Mr Brightside, I suddenly came to an amount of 9528 points which is about a few points short of the max which was 10,000. Now, if they had they given prizes for the highest scorer of that day, then, that PS3 would have been mine. But unfortunately that is of course not the case and it wouldn't matter to me, except for the fact that I'm being pressure by my friends to go ahead tomorrow and sing in order to get the perfect score, because they heard that is what someone else had. Shall update you on that, and hopefully by tomorrow I can safely say that a PS3 is on the way. I'm not excited about getting PS3 anyway. Just excited about winning a contest, because as far as I can remember... I don't think I ever did.

K.O-ed from the day. And I've got very numb legs right now. Friggin hungry too. Gonna snack a bit and sleep. Gnite world.

Gun shop, Europeski Mall

Ah-khu suck-kit

That's aku sakit(i'm sick) to those who didnt get it. Don't even ask. Lame, I know.

It's funny how before this when I was healthy and well, the thought of blogging never even entered my mind, but now, drowsy from the cough syrup and with my immune system down, making me physically weak, I lay in bed trying to sleep only to have this urge to write something down.

I actually did fall asleep for awhile, but woke up gasping for air because while I was sleeping, my nose got blocked. Like, really blocked and I guess if I didnt wake up, I would have just died. The main reason why I didnt want to blog for so long was because so many things were happening to me all at the same time that I just didnt know what to do with my life anymore. One of my probs would be about H. My roomate, my friend, the one person I could talk to about anything besides B was her. And now, she's coupled up with a friend of ours. A close friend. The three of us would usually hang out together, go out together, cook together. Everyone knows 3's a crowd. So naturally the expected happened. I felt left out, I didnt know how to act normal around them anymore and everything they did, for me was moving too fast, from playfully pushing each other, to the silly giggles, to holding hands, hugging waists, and resting heads on each other's shoulder was just too much for me to handle. I notice all this, Oh yes, I observe them for afar even though I know it makes me cringe I just can't help it. I had a little trouble deciding on where to go from there on. I avoided them alot and hardly spoke to either. I guess I wasn't really prepared for all this having stayed in the denial stage and refusing to move forward. But I'm happy to say I learned how to make my peace with this "dilemma" and though it may not be the best of ways which everyone has hoped, I'm proud to say that I'm happy.

Not alot of people may know this about me, but at most point and highlights of my life, I only remember being sad. My mum once told me when she found out I was gay, that people like me it seems are very emotional. "No wonder, you're like that," she said. I believe that it's true, that people who are homosexuals tend to be more emotional, more mentally unstable and more suicidal than heterosexuals. We tend to think a bit too much and get affected easily by others. Can you really blame us for being this way, when our whole lives we're brought up to believe that who we are now is not under the category of normal. And at our teen years, everyone has a hard enough time fitting in and trying to find themselves and be the person that they really are, what more for a teenager who is gay. Afraid of being jeered by their peers, of names such as queer, freak, or weirdo, we tend to just lock ourselves up in the room, praying for a change. Not in others, but in ourselves. In the early stages, I can bet that most people who are homosexuals would have at least wished they weren't so. Life would be easier, no doubt, but life never is anyway. But when we do come to terms with who we are and we learn to accept ourselves, we usually come out stronger than the rest, having that screw-you-i-don't-care-what-you-think attitude would definitely make life a lot easier to live by.

Weather's been unpredicatable as it has always been. It's Moscow. Not much expectation I guess. Been sunny the whole of last week that I had to strip down to just one layer and the next week it's cold, rainy, and there was even a day of snow. Who would believe. It's suppose to be spring, yet here it is, white, frozen droplets of what's suppose to be rain.

Haven't been doing much these few days except jumping like a maniac, practicing for dances for an annual dinner that's coming soon. Trying to remember the last time I went walking around Moscow. Seems so long ago. Can't wait for all this to be over so I can just reclaim back the hours that I usually use to do my own stuff... Like shisha till I get a blardee migrane. (it's worth it i tell you!!) Thinking of getting one where I can call my own. Till then I'll use what I can only a temporary but faithful friend, S.

me buddy,S

collection of tabak(tobacco). We got alot more later on =)

More to come later on. Kinda beat over an incident. Gnite world.

Ha Lok

Damn, haven't posted for a very long time. It's officially april and as usual my yearly pranks on this day must be kept up to tradition. Have already chosen my victim and the mission will commence at 1600 hours tommorow. I hope. Time is not really set though. We'll just have to wait for the prey to come to us now won't we. Went to Hard Rock today. It's the first time I've stepped into that place for the 3 years that I've been here. Nothing much to say really. Frankly, TGIF was a much better to place to hang out at. The food was not up to it's standard, as we were continously saying that it's overrated and overpriced. Major dissapointment on our behalf that my roomate just had to comment on the food to the waiter, in which he only gave a weak smile and walked off. I had half a mind to just run off without paying or at least ask for a refund. In the end we decided to be civilized, so we stole all the sugars, salts, sweeteners, tissues, pepper, etc. As everything looked quite posh, we were all expected to behave at our best, which was quite hard to do, and made the night quite dull because to be honest, it could have been more fun. Plus, the meal ruined my mood. Grrrr... I guess I would say, the only thing worth looking at for me over there were the guitar's and watnot's on the walls and the fact that the waitresses were wearing reaaaallly shorrttt mini skirrtsss.. don't judge, just washing eyes (directly translated from malay which is cuci mata).

Up your nose!

Hey, baby. Yea my semester is much more relaxing as compared to the last, but somehow I'm Much too relaxed to sit down and blog about anything at all. I know, that I was suppose to post up the third day of your last visit here. Never gotten around to it. Every event is as fresh in my mind, like it just happened yesterday. So, no worries. It's all up here *taps the side of head, only to find it produces hollow sounds*. Well, as I said, there isn't much to do this semester so my brain has pretty much been left to deteriorate. But I Have been reading a couple of books lately, in hopes that it would keep me occupied, and it does. Oh, I'll never forget the day I came back from class, took a shower, played some music, and just laid in bed with one hand holding a book, the other behind my head. I've never been so relaxed. Well, at least not in Moscow. Time stood still for me that day, as I read myself to sleep, only to wake up and continue flipping those pages. I have found my haven, just being right there, cuddling in between the sheets and my comforter.

Perfume, was the name of the book I was indulged in. I swear I had never heard of the book, nor the movie which apparently was quite popular. The plot of the story had immediately captured my attention that in midst of reading the book, I watched the movie too. I knew it would spoil the whole purpose of reading the book, but I was just so intrigued by it I couldn't help myself. Thankfully, much was changed in the movie, from the book itself and I had the pleasure of combining both while I continued reading it. I must say, that the book did have an impact on me for a few days, for as the character of the book appreciated the sense of smell so much that for every type of aroma, did he have a particular way of describing it, that I'm sure most would not have heard of. At first, I did write down all those words in my excitement, and influence of the book, writing the meanings of the words that describes, the foulest of odours, or the scent of a thousand angels, what not, only to come back down to earth with the realization I would never use this sort of language to describe scent or smell, for I could never appreciate the odours, let alone tell them apart from others, so what the heck. But that didnt stop me from smelling the food I ate before I tasted it, or inhaling the air, trying to smell what Spring smelled like. I did that for a couple of days, I think. I soon got weary of it, and the effect of the book has faded, but not completely, for the next time I smell anything, I would remember the importance of scent and how it actually affects us all, without us knowing it.

Moscow Moments

Baby, take a look at this page

http://flickr.com/search/?q=moscow

Isn't Moscow just so beautiful? Made me almost tear up when looking at those beautiful photographs. Reminded me of our short-lived break we had together, both in summer and winter. Stuck in the library now trying to finish up one of my Economics essay, while everyone else is having Mamak Night courtesy of Ma1aysian Club... :( Who needs mamak food when I can get posh English meals anytime right?! *uwaaaaaa*. It's okay it's owhkayy, short-term sacrifice! Miss you as always ayang. Wonder where you are right now. Talk to you soon as we drift off to never never land like last night :)

Bucket loads of love,
Key's.

p.s.: When are you going to blog sayang? I thought this semester is damn easy going har...

Happy Valentine's Day

To,
my darling,

There is never a day where I didnt love you. Through all the years we've been together, I've only learned to love you more. It's true as couples stay longer together, we tend to uncover each other's flaws. You have bad points, so do I. But through it all, I still want to be with you. Only you and no one else. Let us build our dreams together and live it one day. Love you dear.

With many more Valentine's Day together and much more love,

Your ayg

And with this lame post and declaration of love to you, I shall upload this picture, just because I know you'll squeal with delight.

Я люблю тебя