The perfect fan

Couldn't stand the heat anymore. And the sight of me walking around the block without my shirt on has marred their feeble minds. So off they went, my roomate and her boyfriend, on their quest to find a reasonable priced fan, as I continued on sitting in the room wearing nothing but my undergarments, singing along to the songs blasting from my laptop. I must say it should be quite a sight for the people from the next building because I didnt even bother closing the curtains. After awhile, I decided it was much to obscene to be seen like that especially when you're having occasional unannounced visitors coming by your room every few minutes, taking their belongings which they have kept so safely in my room. So I put on a sleeveless zip shirt without zipping it up and guess who's to come in my room shortly after... My roomate, upon returning from her quest.... and Her Boyfriend... Yey! And there I was sitting on my chair, all exposed, eyes wide open, with my deer-caught-in-the-headlights expression, trying to stop myself from flashing him. Fortunately, he didnt see me for he already started fixing up the fan, so I ran out of the room. *phew.

We were all excited and the fact we bought a fan made us feel privileged. *I can't believe how sad we are over here. Reduced to being all excited over a fan.. Geez...* After we fixed the fan, we sat in amazement, admiring it and by a simple press of a button... AAHHHHHHH..... Air..... I can... breathe once again..... weeeeeee! Jumps for joy.... *Damn jakuns we are.. *. My roomate and her other half went to his room later on to fix his fan and I.. took my chair, placed it right in front of the fan... and weeeeeeeee..... I think I kinda looked like a dog placing his head out of the car window.. Hair blown back, tongue flying with the direction of the wind, smiling in gleee.... weeeeeeee... hehehhehe.... Mouth sorta went dry after that.... =p

Ohhh but the irony of it all... Right when I was enjoying the fan the most..........

I heard thunder.........

I saw black clouds approaching......

And I saw rain drops........

And as the rain grew heavier, the air became cold...

-_-''

Stupid Russian weather.....

Palm pool

I would never want to envision what it'd be like in the desert. I swear I'm at my melting point and my sagging ass has proven that. (not that my ass is really that saggy. Just putting it in that term for my personal humour). I would now love to think that Moscow has only one type of climate; cold. At least with the cold, you could put on layers and layers to somehow keep you from freezing like a human popsicle. But what do you do when you're in this type of heat? Remove all articles of clothing.. and then what? I'm still suffering, I still feel heat on my naked bare back. Well, I'm not entirely without layers here, but picture what you want as you please. (make me look good in your mental image) . Just yesterday, I made an attempt to do my homework (yes, I Do do my HW... occasionally.... when needed to... and doing only one question also counts as doing it!) when I realised I had difficulty starting off. I wish I could say I was dying of dehydration, and while I was walking to get water, I fainted numerous times. That would be a more realistic obstacle. Thing is, everytime I gripped my pen, it would cause my palm to break out in sweats and I would again be reminded of the terrible heat thus using my exercise book to fan myself. So it's a cycle. Going on and on and on and on..... and on .. *bangs head on table. If I actually just stick my hand out upwards and wait for a few minutes, a pool of water forms. So that's it, I've created a palm pool! *jots it down in List of Ingenious Creations. Muahahahhaha.. muhahahha.. eck, *gags...Water!! Water!!!

As girly, as I am pure..

You Are 12% Girly

Um... you're a guy, right? If not, you're the most boyish girl in the world. And for you, that's probably the ultimate compliment.

How Girly Are You?

I think that's kinda obvious..

I'm just really bored right now..

That's kinda obvious too..

Since I'm taking quizzes to get results I'm already sure of..

Lalalala....

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Might be a surprise to you, but I can remember every event in which I've been mistaken for a guy. Well, almost every event. Perhaps in my childhood years, I secretly wished I would miraculously turn to one upon waking up one morn. Years have passed, and well... *checks self... Nope.. "Things" are still intact.. everything's where it grew... Yup.. Nothing's changed...

But I guess, I should be thankful for everything that I am. Mum knew how I felt as I was growing up, and through the years, tried her very best to change me in every way... Every way... *Flash backs... To all the times she forced me to wear crotchless clothes; dresses and skirts to you. Just that day, I was reminiscing on a particular incident that just made her go, "I don't understand you!". Preparations to go out for dinner turned disastrous as I entered her room wearing pants and a normal t-shirt.

"Why don't you ever wear something different?"
"Erm, Okay.. I'll change my shirt then,"
"Noooo.. I mean, wear something else!"
"Eh?"

And as I cocked my head to one direction, she quickly rummaged through my closet and pulled out a skirt which I swear I had skillfully hidden. Wonder how the hell she knew where it was.. Then again, Mum knows all right? Anyhoo, there I was, with this bewildered look on my face and she starts stripping off my pants and forcing me to put on the skirt. I didnt know what came over me that day, but as she started wearing that skirt on me, I started crying. And that's when the whole night fell apart, with her nagging and lecturing having that confused look on her face. "I don't understand you!" .. I don't understand me either, but I just don't feel comfortable in what you're putting me in. What can I do. I've been like that ever since I was a kid. And she's tried so hard to change me and yet, here I am... same old same old... Doesn't that tell you something, Ma?

I went to dinner that night wearing that skirt. Feeling awkward and out of place. I do these things still just to please her. Pretending to act feminine, or faking a reaction when she shows me something girlish and expects me to be interested in it. Somehow, I think deep down inside she knows I can't change. Yet she still pushes me every now and then. Don't blame her for trying. But I am, what I am.

My emotions have emotions..

Anger, Frustration, Hurt, Sadness, Dissapointed, Confused, Overwhelmed

You lash out at me without giving me reason when clearly something is wrong. Prying it out of you takes so much out of me. I'm trying to keep my cool while trying to figure out what's on your mind.

I went to bathe after you left. And as I sat there silent with thoughts running through my head, I realised that water works was not only coming from the shower head but my eyes.

I knew today wasn't a good day. I could just feel it. I hate it when plans don't turn out right or go my way.

I fucking hate Russia and bladdy Moscovites.

!#@#%$$#^%$^$#&%$&$%%#!

*Grumbles....

Dangnabbit!

Lives lived undone

We perish from the world not using the exit door
Hour glass broken, sands of time cut short
We live our lives wondering when we'll die
Never succeding in tryin to live a life

Seconds wasted on worrying of hows and what ifs
Never daring to jump in and take the risk
And right at the time we decide to take the plunge
We step back and realise the moment is gone

We're all in a violent death grip in an unseen void
Just awaiting our turn to reach the end point
Most of us manage to hold on till its time to be gone
And the rest just let go living their lives undone

Baby..

B, how do you always manage to discover really eye tearing blogs for me to read. I know it's an interesting read but you know how I'm that type of person that always picture myself being in other people's shoes. ( I don't do it on purpose, it just comes on its own). And so far, sayang, this blog is the worst. ='( I wouldn't want to go through what they went through. I can never imagine living a life without you. I know I just wouldn't be able to make it through one day without you beside me. Without seeing your angelic smile, or hear the sweetness of your voice. The only kind that provides me any kind of motivation to get on with life. You've promised me, you'd take care over there. Can you make me that promise again. That you'll never let anything happen to you. That you'll watch every step you take. You'll constantly watch your back since I can't be there to do that for you. You'll do everything in moderation and not take risks. That you'll never stay out late at night. You'll eat well (this is most important.. B like to diet without reason). B I want you to be so careful to the point that the air you breathe has to be free from any bacterial organisms. My darling, please take care k? You know I love you so much. Mwahx.

Only you.

Always.

Bring it on!

It's the same old thing. It'll never change. No matter how old I am. As long as she's alive........ As long as I'm alive, she'll Always...... Make me........ wear girly clothes. And I quote Charlie Brown when I say, "I can't stand it". But I guess, it's not so bad. She knows she can't force to me wear what I really don't feel comfortable in. But she's smart i'll tell you. She's witty. She's downright cunning as snow is white. Because she knows I'll never wear a dress, or a skirt. And she knows by not pushing me into wearing those; by allowing me to wear slacks, she gets to be the one to pick it. Yea, she just has some sort of fashion sense that enables her to make anything butch, look feminine. It's a good thing, I just so happen to have some natural internal oh-so-from-very-deep-within anti-femme instinct. Well, I don't mind being slightly feminine, as long as I get to maintain my own style. And as B often says, I think I'm quite androgynous.

I have my suspision that she actually has a triple X chromosome. Of cos that's a just my way of seeing it cos if that's the case she would be sterile. (*argh! Kicks bio out of head! Too much bio today!) I planned to wear a suit (slacks, a white button down, and a vest) to my cousin's wedding coming up this June and since I won't be able to pick out the attire myself on the account of me being here, she's gonna do it all for me. She's already bought me a vest and showed it to me. (I have no comments on how it looks.... it's very much her style) I hinted that it's not what I had in mind and she played the pity card so right. "I bought it just for you, and it was so expensive.. I was hoping you'd really like it...." Well Ma, bring it on! Cos I'll wear it, just to please you but no matter what I'll look good in it.. and my anti-femme instinct would be turned all all the way power up! Yea, bebeh!

lying next to you,watching you sleep,
knowing this is where i'll ever want to be,
time stands still, there's no yesterday, no tomorrow,
just listening to you breathe, all's lost the meaning of sorrow,

feeling your skin beneathe mine,
the impact enough to make me tremble inside,
i give you a peck on the cheek, as you softly smiled,
and you place your hand gently in mine,

how could this fortune, be bestowed upon me,
i succumb to Love and all it's glory,
for it has given me something so divine,
this angel from above that I can call mine.

Hit me when i'm down

Bloodee 'ell. Moscow's weather is really screwy. Freaking cold today. Woke up with this really dry throat and I could feel that somehow it was gonna be a crappy day. My friend missed called me on my phone twice, and it took me a while to reply her. I was having her Anat notes, which she needed for class and I wasn't sure if I wanted to go. All I really needed was a little motivation, a little push to get me through the day and she did just that for me. So I got up, and quickly took a shower. But while I was in the bathroom, I heard her voice calling out to me, asking for her book. "Damn, why the hell is she leaving already,". "That means I have to go to class by myself," I thought. So I took my own sweet time bathing, got dressed and headed off to the bus stop. And just as I was waiting, I saw my friends, just exiting the hostel. -_-''' I woke up half and hour before class starts and manage to get ready within that time. She woke up 2 hours before and I still get there earlier than her.

I despise Thursdays. It's a really long day, having four classes and short breaks in between. Doesn't really help that I'm feeling like crap today. Started off the day, having sore throat, and it got worse later on. Lecture was boring today, but I had to go as my class teacher was lecturing on the new topic. Not like I took down notes or anything. I just went for the sake of it. And as everyone held pens in their hands, I was holding a fork, enjoying my instant noodle. I thought eating something warm would make me feel better. Guess not.

By the time I went for Physical Training, I was feeling rather sick. Wind of headache swept my way and I was totally zombified the whole time I was there. Played a bit of badminton to get my mind of this head crushing pain, but after awhile I just couldn't take it and went to sleep on the chairs.

Latin class wasn't that fun either. By that time, I had already lost all senses I had, and was then just a walking dummy with nothing in mind. When I talked, I babbled nonsense, and when I walked I felt like my legs weighed a ton. Halfway through class, my teacher was called out by a colleague and I wanted to take that opportunity to take a quick nap. Unfortunately, my friends seeing me in this condition; sick and really really weak, started to disturb my slumbers knowing I couldn't do anything to retaliate. Attempting to draw on my face, and flicking erasers at me, "Ahh, don't hit me when I'm down!". *Frowns*

After class, I was all ready to go back to the hostel and take the longest nap ever, when my friends asked me to accompany them to the dean's office. Now, I didnt feel like walking down flights of stairs, so I told them I'd just wait for them there. Bladdy fuck nuts! They had to walk two flights of stairs down to go the dean's office. But when they came back up, they walked up only one flight, and started to look for me there. Well, Duh! I wasn't on that floor, and they assumed I went back. And of all times for my phone to be dead, I couldn't call them, as I was wondering what took them so long. Fuck, I waited half an hour for them, in my condition, just to realise that they must have gone home. Bugger ass. Went back all by myself, and upon reaching the room, I straight away went to bed, only to dream of the very topic I was learning today in Anat. Should have taken medicine before going to bed, cos the whole time I was sleeping I could feel as though someone was poking my head with a needle. Correction, Needles! Kinda imagine someone with a voodoo doll of me doing that. *poke, poke* Ahhhhhhhhh...

I'm feeling much better now, but as you can see, I'm still a babbling idiot. But then again, when am I not... *poke, poke*