The feeling

Eyes wide open
an insane feeling
something's not right.
I've felt this before.
I wished I was home.
Only because the location would recognize the feeling.
Can't quite place it.
This feeling.
Felt it during my adolescent years.
Feeling of being neglected.
Fear forms a fort.
Surrounding us.
I thought I would outgrow this feeling.
But solitude is a never ending vicious circle.
And we're doomed to just be spinning around.
Endlessly, for all of time.

Update me, somebody..

What is happening to our country? I'm not exactly sure of the situation in Malaysia but I've read many articles and seen many clips and pictures from blogs to know that something is not right over there. Police using tear gases on people? Buses being held? Roads being blocked all for a gathering? I've heard that, that lawyer guy actually found the original statement and agreement of our independence stating that all citizens of Malaysia which means chinese and indians included are actually bumiputeras? and we actually have equal rights to everything else or what not. I'm too tired to think of this right now. Just hope there isn't another May 13 situation again. It's almost 4am. I'm going to bed. Worse comes to worse, if anything happens to our country I'm going to find an island, build a home and eat bananas all day.

XD

My sister.

The only person in my family who doesn't know about me.

I couldn't help but let out a sarcastic remark upon her bringing up the mention of her boyfriend in our family conversations again. I really don't care about his likes and dislikes. I really don't care that it'd be easier for him to eat at his favourite restaurant and see you at the same time now. I really don't care that he bought gifts for mum already although it would months till we return home for summer. Suck up.

Damn thing is I have no right to be upset over this though to me it just seems like she's gloating. But isn't that what people do when they're in love. They want to share it with the people that care. They want the world to know that they're happy and contented and I on the other hand can't do that.

Who would congratulate me upon having found someone to share my life with. Who would pat me on the shoulder and be happy for what I have. Who would have a shoulder ready for me when me and my girl are going through rough times and all I need is a little support.

No not them. Not my family. Because to them, my relationship is meaningless and my dreams of having it all are wishywashy.

But someday, I'll make u open your eyes.

I'll make you see her like I see her.

I'll make you love her like how I love her.

Someday...

Will you be mine?

i'm shabby, i'm poor,

i might be abhored,
my exterior looks old,
but my heart is made of gold
and i love you to bits
and refused to eat
for days i saved
and waited for the day
that i could buy u this single rose
to let u know
i'm urs forever more..

Sleep, sleep...
you give me a reason to dream,
a reason to close my eyes and smile,
knowing that it'll all be alright

Cry,cry...
you yet again leave me to die,
your words slashes my wrist, and i'm left to bleed,
won't you ressurect me again with your kiss

Fly,fly...
no higher can I
be just by the very thought of you in mind
makes me soar sky high, all through the night

Feel,feel...
making me know this is real,
that every blood that runs its course
carries all my love, intertwining with yours

Touch,touch...
with all my love and lust
wishing that you were in my bed
just holding each other from dawn to dusk

and

Love,love...
you taught me the meaning of,
knowing that your love is within me
i cannot escape this feeling of immortality

Love you, B...

But somehow, I just don't wanna know

Ah... nothing like a good dose of malarkey with a friend to bring me up again. Haven't spoken to her in quite awhile and just chatting with her brought me back to my old self again. Of course our chats consists of her denying she's a full pledged lesbian and me trying to convince her that she is infact one very major player on the all girl's team. Though she self claims to be "masculine", her only prove of it is that her 4th digit is longer than her 2nd. And as she proceeded to talk herself out of being a lesbian she expressed her love of guys profusedly...

-I love guys!
-I have faith in you! You just haven't found the right girl.
-No, but seriously. I love guys!
-You're trying to convince yourself that you do.
-Those hot ones really get my heart pumping. Haha
-Ewww.... Hey, I just realised I'm against normality.
-Stupid. But girls also.. Like those really pretty ones..

So she claims she's Bi. 70% into guys and 30% into girls. But asking her if she's ever been in love. Her answer would be yes. And with whom? A girl.. Yea but that doesnt necessarily mean she's a lesbian. We will never find out anyway, because she's extremely religious.

-You so have to experiment to know if you're more into girls or guys! What if later on you find out you're more into girls. And it's too late... *dum dum dum.. Cos YOU'RE MARRIED!!
-Hahaha.. Even if i'm more into girls, cannot do anything wat.I'm a christian. I have to sacrifice.
-Ask u, does it say anywhere in the bible that it's against the religion?
-Haha, I know exactly which verse it is man. I've researched. Can't remember which chapter but I've marked it all in my bible. I think that's the Only thing I marked.

Which kinda proves that she's just blocking her optional pathway, with a bible. I can't blame people like that though. I can't provide much of my opinions when it includes religions cos I'm just not sure myself. How is it, I've read before that religions in fact have nothing against homosexuality. What about all those churches for people like us. Are they just kidding themselves or does God really love his all His children and accept them for who they are?


I wonder...

Just one of Those days

There are just days where not one thing seems to be going your way and everything just makes your blood boil right till the meter bursts. Funny thing though, you would realise that it's not others around you that's the problem. It's you. And that's what's happening to me. Suddenly everyone around me just seems exasperating, annoying, stupid, wrong, very very wrong, idiotic, moronic, riling, etc.

And I know it's just me, but I can't help but just brood and hate everything that's within a two feet radius. Right now everything is just wrong, everyone is just wrong. If someone is making too much noise, they're a nuisance. If they're too silent, they're having some sort of attitude problem. If they're too hardworking and diligent, they're a damn show off. If they're not, then they're just plain donkeys'.

Gahh..

Blogging is not helping..

I'm gonna go kill a hamster..

A picture paints a thousand words..

my boredom

Yea well, what's a person like me to do right? So while she's doing her own thing. I got bored and decided to do this...

Beer Ads!

Love-Hate relationship

I am grateful for technology. For it's gadgets. The phones, the cpus', laptops, computer, all the internet, the lines. I'm thankful for all of those things.

It's because of all this technology that I managed to first start communicating with her without feeling nervous or shy and it decreased the chances of me acting socially retarded.

Our relationship grew from this. With endless SMSes, late night chats on the internet, and right before I left for Russia, the happiest I've ever been without proper sleep, my talk on the phone with her.

Even with the distance, we always manage to talk to each other all the time. It's like your right next to me. And I have technology to thank for.

But recently I've realised that this love for technology, is well, not necessarily turning into hate for I Am still ever so relieved of it's existence but somehow that's taking up more of her time that's meant for me.

I feel so torn...

Just kinda feeling dejected because of this...

And she doesn't know why...

I like this feeling..

If you fill yourself up with helium, could you float up and fly away?

If you first started walking with your hands rather than your feet, would you have more balance?

If you soak yourself in water for extreme amount of time, how wrinkly could you get?

I wonder why I never see that many porn that stars a black guy/girl as opposed to a white one.

I wonder why they always state the warning "Keep away from fire" on most your clothings. Which self respecting person who would buy clothes would play with fire close enough to have any damage on your clothes?

Why is it the first body part that you move, when you listen to music, is your feet. You move to the beat when your standing, when your sitting (the feet goes a tappin'), when your lying down... It's the feet! Well, for me it is.. Starts from the bottom up. From the feet, to the legs bouncing up and down then its the body swaying, the fingers snapping then it's the head bobbing. From then on your hair would probably be just flying about from the head banging and your just looking like a fool. Stop it!

Wow, pretty light headed from a certain tequila and lime drink I'm having.

Explains alot don't it?

X)

Dude.... XD

"Smart thinking.. "

To me, being smart is using the two same boxers you have again and again instead of using the newer ones you have. That way, when they're worned out, you still have new ones for spare. If you use everything you have, you'll just end up with many worned out boxers all at once.

I'm just saying....

Damn bored. Just came back from my friends' room, drinking and exchanging stories of our past, our present and what might become of our future. Would call it an enjoyable time but as I came back to my room I feel a sort of emptiness inside. I checked for messages on my laptop and my phone hoping to get any from the one person who could fill that void and take away all that I'm feeling right now...

None..

Guess she's still out. Forgot to change the time on my phone that's set to hers. Day lights saving. What the hell is that all about anyway.

Reminiscing about all the times we've spent together. I've never felt happier then. Just having you beside me, nothing can take away that blissful feeling I've had. Missing her so much.

In another event, I recently outed myself to my aunt. And her to me. We both had suspected about each other's life style long before but just didn't have the courage to speak up. But I'm glad I did, for having someone else elder and more experienced at what I'm going through makes me feel that I have someone to confide in.

Slightly relieved after letting all this out. Just realised.. I'm not alone..