Bolshoi

All my love

Don't really have much to say, cept that with Christmas right around the corner, I've been slightly emo.
And you know how acoustics get to me.
(Wish Cameron would make more videos)

ps: sense a tinge of John Mayer in his strums.

Christmas around the corner

Sometimes i wished i could be a nonfunctional civilian and not contribute anything to society. I've been much too lazy the last couple of days to do anything at all. Getting out of bed has proven to be a chore that the only motivation is food. Or fear of getting gastritis, to be more exact.

I wished holidays would arrive sooner. Alas, we have exams before that. I wonder when I Do start working, will I ever have any leisure time for myself, ever.. again? I like stoning. I like doing absolutely nothing sometimes. Just laying down watching a movie that consists of conversations so slow and too apprehensive to the mind that it requires no concentration at all.

Why have i turned this way, I wonder? Perhaps it's Winter. Which has taken it's time to make an appearance this year. I usually get winter depression around this time. Around Christmas. Oh how the Lonesome Feeling returns. And I start to think of you all over again. Remembering what it was to have someone to have hold and call home.

Can't help but wonder how'd it be like this time next year. Would I still be thinking of you? Would I still wish for you? It's been awhile since I've felt emotionally voided. I was so sure I was happy not being in a relationship. I wouldn't know how to divide my time. Yet here I am, yearning to have someone beside me. I pray for the time to pass.

I rather wish this feeling away then wish for you. One's more doable than the other.

Round and round

So you're fucking around again.

what's new?

apparently nothing ever is with you.

same old same old,

same old shit, different day.

Sometimes all you wanna do is hold someone.

I don't love you.

And i know i never will.

I know that i only think of having you close to me, when I'm extremely lonely, or high.

I know you like me.

And i like knowing you'll always be there.

I Am nice to you.

But only to a certain extend.

I wish you didn't appear needy to me.

Or seem weak.

It would be easier to form an understanding with you, in that way we both get what we want without getting hurt.

I wish you didn't care.

I wished you were a jerk.

Or even a bitch.

Most of the time I'd wish that on me.

Just to get what i want.

But i'm not that type of person.

I can't tell if that's a good thing.

Who knows.

Maybe i'll change someday.

Maybe i'll break.

Milkshake

I don't need you, to bring out the best in me.

But you sure do hell of a job, without even trying.

Flamenco

Took the opportunity to watch a live flamenco guitar performance.

Bad quality video but at least the audio's aite =)

Music fills the empty spaces.

Remember the days when we used to run home after buying a new album.

Shutting your room door, you place your Cassette/CD in and just lay on the floor, awaiting the magic.

I miss that.

Back then when i used to have the room all to myself i used to lay a blanket down on my floor, put on a mix of music, the only kind that you could just get lost in.

And drift away.





I'd like to get away. Float away.

Will I ever get to again?

It ain't rocket science

A <------ B <------ C
A --X--> B --?--> C
B = A > C

Is life really that complicated?

With closed eyes.

A sunday morning.
I sit here, with a whiskey in hand.
I had ran out of cigarettes last night.
I think i'm just finding something to intoxicate myself with.
Yes, whiskey in the morning.
Seems so wrong in the eyes of society but feels so right to me.
I'm not heavy drinking.
I just decided to dig into my special stock of Johnnie Walker's Double Black.
Feels like a good day.
The sun is up.
As winter approaches, this will all fade away.
Take in everything, one breath at a time.

Humans..

Incomprehensible yet so predictable.

We can never understand why we do the things we or others do. But you know for a damn fact they're gonna do it. It's hard to control the mind when you're thinking with your heart. You know for a fact that you're gonna get hurt. Your mind tells you that. It sends you signals, flashbacks of your past. You see it. You know it. Yet you keep telling yourself this time it's different. You talk your brain into accepting what your heart tells you. Feelings. Emotions. Of loneliness, or of being wanted. Just for awhile and in that second that you let your guard down, you're hooked. With your brain, standing there tapping it's foot, knowing at the end of the day it's gonna say "I told you so".

------------
I went out with Aki last Saturday. It was an impromptu (as usual) decision i made. I knew i needed to get out and I didn't wanna walk alone. She agreed. I picked my usual metro stop and we walked from there on till we reached a lake. I suggested sitting on one of the benches and we just talked. Everything seemed mellow till she told me her dark secret (which i wont get into now) and I felt protective over her. The conversation started to get intense, so I changed the topic as we walked along the streets of Kitai Gorod and ended up at a coffee house.

We talked for hours. About music, each other, life. And i felt comfortable. For the longest time, I haven't had a decent conversation with someone i barely knew and felt connected. The night ended with us, heading down to Kremlin to watch the light festival at Red Square. I guess you wouldn't expect me to say this about synchronized lights and music just streaking across the sky and buildings but it was one of the most romantic things i've seen. At that moment, I wished she (JN) was there. I wanted to just hold someone so badly, that i decided to just leave right after.

I came back and all i could think of was her. It hurts and the pain is like a dull pressurized compressing kind on my chest. I sleep whenever i get upset. I've been sleeping. Not eating. And i'm honestly beginning to feel faint. Funny thing though, when i took my after class nap this evening, Aki occupied my whole dream. And we were extremely close. I can't remember to what extend. But it felt weird, and i decided to tell her about it.

It didn't shock me as much, when she told me she had a dream about me too. And in her dream, we were together. She woke up confused. I told her perhaps it was because we were emotional and sharing our feelings with each other while hanging out that would naturally lead to that. The thing is now.. bringing all this out in the open isn't that dangerous. Poking embers, would probably be. I could foresee something in the distant. It's foggy.

I would be lying if I said i didnt know it would come thus far. Thing is.. was I the one who allowed it? And how far would i take this?

Hmmmm...

I used to be a lot more interesting. I swear!

I realized that i once used to regularly update my blog, with ideas, my daily stories, or just utterly random silly topics. I guess it's fun to read back and remember how you were back then, but i cant help but compare the Me i am today, and who i was.

Am i really that much different now. I fear somehow that is true. I used to be funny (not that i dont think i am now, but it's a whole different kinda funny). Sillier would be a better word. I used to be able to write better. My vocabulary has long gone down the sewers. I used to be more expressive. Detailed. Perhaps i used to breathe in life. Like really, just took every moment into consideration and feel everything.

I need to get back to where i was before. No matter how broken down, or how badly mangled my heart and mind has been, i owe it to myself to at least try, to be the person that i once was.

I wanna be the retarded, fun loving self that i once was.

We'll see how this goes.

Bloodstained heart

The guy is a damn genius with a voice like an angel that speaks to me right to my very soul. It's times like this that i appreciate music and all that it does for others.

Best pre-birthday gift ever

I've fallen yet into another blackhole. Spiraling into an empty void not knowing if there's end. A day before my birthday she told me 3 things that felt like continuous stabs to my heart.
1. She called the fucker to sleep over again.
2. Bcos she was confused about things with another guy whom she's going to start trying things with.
3. And she doesnt like me anymore. (but still wanna be close friends)

Needless to say i spent my birthday pretending to be enjoying everything that came my way. Drowning myself in alcohol and cigarettes. It's so cliche. But i really dont know how to lose myself and stop thinking bout all this. I've been hurt too many times. I can't be your friend no matter how we both want it. No actually. I dont want it. Why would i want to put myself in that position where i'm prone to getting hurt yet again. If you're indeed happy. Then i'm glad that you are, but i'm not about to stick around and see you Be happy. Fuck it. Fuck this shit.

Just leave me alone. After all we've been through, couldn't you just throw me a fucking bone and try things with me. Of cos if you honestly don't like anymore, it's a whole different matter, where you should stop being selfish and let me go. So that i can move on.

I'm weak for you. Knowing that at any time you come around, i would just melt and give in. I can't figure out if it's the failure of my conquest or the fact that i have actually fallen for you that makes me still wanna try sometimes. I'm falling in and out of this decision. Praying it will eventually slide or that something would change. That she would change, her mind, or heart.

We had planned a winter trip together. A now even that's for shit. Expected. I'm not surprised. Or maybe i'm just sceptical and pessimistic that way , that i always expect the worse to happen. I wish that i had the room to myself. That i could mourn in my own way. But my roomate and her boyfriend are always around.

this feels like shit. i know time heals everything, but i dont wanna be in this place right now.

7th and final year in moscow.

Today marks the 7th year that i've been in Moscow.

Has it really been that long? Feeling a tad moody. Unsure why. Everyone seems to be watching a movie or doing some other thing and all I really need is time alone.

Went for a David Guetta concert last Saturday. Massive. Mind blowing. Though it made me realise I no longer have the stamina of a 21year old. I know, I'm nothing but a few years ahead of that age but it comes to the point where you just couldnt do the things that you used to do.

The event started at 9 and lasted all the way thru 4am. That's 7 hours of jumping, hip-knee action and headbanging. And the outcome of that was a back and muscle ache that lasted the whole of next day. I literally just stayed in bed the entire Sunday, waking up only to eat. Oh, and the event consisted of an incident that adds another to my list of embarrassing moments in life. Two words. Projectile Vomiting. I vaguely remember most of what happened then, unfortunately it involves the bouncers of the club as well. Ugh. It's something that i pray would not be mentioned ever again.

Whatever happens in crazy town, stays in crazy town.

We've come so far..

Is it true? Could it be?

That i've forgotten what it's like to be in love. As i sit and ponder about the days when I was so madly head over heels over another being that I built my world around them. And what have I come to now.

I don't really know. I feel like I've been single for quite some time without even bothering to jump back into the game. No fooling around, no one night stands, no flirting. I'm even beginning to wonder if I've lost my charms.
-------------------

As I sit here in my room on a Friday night. No plans. No drinking. I honestly started to feel my bed calling me hours ago. And as i yawned, stretched and glanced at my clock, I realised.. It's only 9.39. BUGGER!

Is this what being old feels like. Mind you I'm only 24. Perhaps it's this place. Finally, I can now scream the words that's on everyone's mind from the very moment they touched down in this country or walked into this hostel. The very words uttered by every senior you know, but never knew the full extend of it's power till you're there in their very shoes.

"It's my Final Year. I'm Friggin' 6th Year, Bitch!"

That sort of calamity that haunted us for the past 6 years (yes, i did Premed here, bringing it to a total of 7 years all in all ) somehow faded away this year. Every new problem that arised, seemed petty, minute, fixable. It's a whole different mind set for me (so far). And i'm glad to say it's relaxing to finally be at this stage.

I pray it stays this way right up till the end.

Why don't we just be friends

I dont want that..


"First you make a wish and pray that things will never change, then we reach the point of being just good friends again"

Persevere

I planned out an evening that i thought would be rather perfect with the thought of popping the question and her answer all ready in my head. I was to woo you with dinner, candles, bottle of wine and music and me just being absolutely charming. Turned out it all came to nothing when i went to Gaga mall and they didnt have wine because they didnt have license for it yet. My roomate decided to sleep in the room because she wasn't feeling well. That really took the mood of everything out.

It's aite. We shall just eat at her place i thought. I finished cooking, gave her a call. She didnt answer. She was sleeping. Sighhhh. What a night. All blown.

She woke up at night. Wanting to talk. She rejected me as i told her my plans. Both stubborn, both not wanting to give in. I had decided and made up my mind on being with you. Why can't you just accept my answer and try instead of pint pointing all my mistakes and flaws, and coming up with excuses of why we won't be good together. Despite everything that your realistic mind comes up with , i'm still determined to try.

Should i really give up? Or persevere.

Because, dear girl. I think i have fallen for you. What else could it be right? When you're on my mind all the time. I want this. I want you.

Thinking of you

As the sun rays hit my face, and i open my eyes to the morning, the first thought that came to mind was you.

How's it gonna be

i'll leave in a year. what would be like then?

cant help but wonder.

would i forget u.. would u forget me

Circles

Maybe what we really need to do is just let go, instead of kidding ourselves.

scribbles of the heart

It's april. snow still falls sometimes but i think it's safe to say we can begin to look forward to warmer weathers. Intervarsity games has came to an end so i guess i'll be back to my mundane life. thank god. no more waking up early for morning trainings. what did we get in the end? gold of cos. kicked ass. pretty proud of my team and of myself for scoring the golden goal ending a string of draws for penalty shots. we've earned bragging rights bringing home 1 of the 3 golds won by our uni. the underdogs have proven themselves. how the weight of gold around my neck somehow makes my head light haha

for the past few weeks, iv been avoiding u know who. unfortunate as it that i couldnt do so since we were playing in the same team and ironically ended up spending 3 days together being inseparable. after the games, all that was on my mind was, What now? do i go back to avoiding her, or do i stick around awaiting her next imminent action that would naturally hurt me as i retreat once more. y do i keep having faith and being let down again and again.

insanity- is doing the same thing again and again but expecting different results.

im just impossible to convince. sigh.
stubborn heart.. free me from this sorrow.

Don't miss me when im gone

Women's day

A tear falls rolls down my face as i wondered why.

My heart is troubled. And i know i put on a facade and try to block all this out from my head at the same time.

I dont know what i want. She doesn't know what she wants.

How can i like someone like that.

Words that float through my mind as morning comes.

Stay away. Don't. Let go. Break free. Avoid. Run.

Someone please help me, from getting soft everytime i see you. Giving in is so easy when it comes to you. Emotions, please don't take over me.

I need to distract myself with something or someone new.

Happy women's day. Thanks for all the smiles and heartaches.

Somber mood.

Went out for a smoke, and just so happened to eaves drop on a confrontation of a guy to his girl on how she's been hurting him. Just got me remembering on all the dramas that i've seen/heard/been involved in throughout the years i've been here. Countless. There's just something about hostel dramas that's always right in your face, like a live-on-set of a television series. That's one thing i'll be glad to get out of once i'm done with this place.

Had a good, long 5 hour chat with MC today. It's been so long since we've talked and it was good to catch up and reminisce about the old times. She's that one person that can make me laugh till my ribs hurt and i can't breathe. We used to hang out in school all the time. And every memory i have with her is filled with laughter. Kinda made me missed my old high school friends. It's funny how somethings never crossed our minds anymore, but being with an old friend just brings it all back. The one that probably came as a surprise to me was my ex. Memories of her, of what i can only describe as ancient now feels fresh in my head. Of how we used to skip classes to hang out. The way she held me everytime we were walking. Her smell. The way she laughed. Her hands. Her dimples. The way we used to shyly look at each other and giggle out of sheer embarrassment. The innocence. Of just two younglings who were so into each other. Can't help but wonder if i would ever get that again.

The years would make a person bitter, cold, struck with the truth that the world out there is nothing more than a war zone, as we fight for every single thing. Just to stay alive, to persevere and to hope we don't fall and become this pile of mess where we one day no longer have the strength to stand up anymore. I care less about so many things now as compared to my younger days. Sometimes i wish i wasn't this way, but in order to stay sane and avoid being broken down, i dare say i avoid putting my heart out on the line. No, i'm not who i used to be. The naive, sensitive kid that used to try to please others in hopes that i would make a difference. It's not appreciated, it's not reciprocated.

Would anyone believe me if i said i have that instinct in me that i wouldn't live a long life. I am almost certain, and so sure of this feeling. You'd think that i'd say i hope i was wrong. Or that i would love to prove otherwise, but i think it's not so much of a wanting.. more of a sense.

I tire myself by thinking too much sometimes. Tomorrow is a holiday. Every wednesday should be a holiday. We need that break in the middle of the week. This is what i need.

Goodnight.

I find myself sitting here, after a week of classes. Back to the old routine. Mundane.

I'm in need of something new. Something exciting. I've hoped that winter would have been over but it's just the beginning. Dropping down to -24 next week. I always look forward to spring to go gallivanting about. Seems pointless now to go out, and end up freezing my ass off.

I diagnosed myself as chronically bored. I read in article that people who are constantly bored, are most likely to have a shorter life span because they tend to put themselves at greater risk of activities just to feel the adrenaline. I probably fall under that category.

Empty. I actually feel quite empty. Hanging out with the same people, seeing the same old faces. Do people here really lack essence or it it just me? 6 years in this God forsaken place has really gotten me itching to get out. Go else where.

I'm exhausted. By superficial conversations and smiles. Pretending to be interested in a conversation when all i do is zone out and end up catching just the last line of their sentences. People used to say i'm a good listener but really i think all i am is someone who really can't be bothered by whatever they're saying. Of course that comes and goes. I'm not entirely uninterested. I am genuine most of the time. Just of late, i'm beginning to wonder if there's more to this.

I need to get my flame back. It's dying out and i need to find something to reignite it..

hmmm

Ending the hols with a split chin

End of first sem. End of holidays.

Time is just passing way too fast. Happy chinese new year. Year of the rabbit. Predicted to have lots of bad luck for those born on this year. That would be me. So far everything has been going great, cept for the fact that i tripped, fell and landed on my chin. On solid ground/floor. Yes, in my room. Don't ask me if i was drunk. I would not admit that. Cept that i already have. haha. Truth is, i came back to my room perfectly fine. Dived onto my bed. Woke up the middle of the night. Most probably to puke.. Tripped and fell. I'm guessing. The only thing i remember was falling. The events between that, and waking up in the wee hours of the morning were a blur. I woke up to the sight of bloody sheets, a pan on the floor filled with vomit and blood stained towel too. Yes, i'm disgraceful when i drink. @@ whoah that's too strong a word i think. Think not less of me. I haven't been drinking in a very long time. I think it was amazing enough that i managed to crawl back into bed after falling down. Not that it's anything to be proud of. Anyway, i woke up to that. Checked myself in the mirror, and saw that my chin had split, about 1cm wide. Scrambled for a plaster, and stuck in to my chin, felt that it was a bang up job and went back to bed.
Geez.. this kid's psycho.
My dad just laughed upon hearing this. I'm a marvel.
Updates on exams. Everyting went great. But towards the last paper, i had completely given up. A month of exams is just too much. It had taken a toll on me, and everyone could see i was losing it before the final paper. I was drained. Marinated, skewed and ready to be BBQ-ed. Spent the first 3 days of holidays sleeping and lazing around. Taking weed and just staring at smoke for an hour. After a week of doing nothing, i was rejuvenated.
I finally found the time to see the Russian Circus, and the opera. Other than that, i was proud of the fact that i actually managed to do everything that i wanted to do. Karaoke, have my steamboat, drink, get stoned, snowboard, and shisha. Oh and i finally got my last vaccination for cervix cancer.. hahaha. I've been searching Moscow for a month for this stupid vaccine.
Gahh, i can't believe two weeks just flew by in a blink of an eye. Preparing for the worst, next semester. I heard it's hell. I haven't even had time to be bored. And now, I can't even sulk properly for i usually lean my chin on something. =.=
I'm beginning to think i'm a very odd sort of human being.

FOCUS!

I can't seem to keep my mind concentrated on studies. In truth, this is only the 2nd day since i began planting my face in my notes and already i'm bored. It's worrying, that i'm not worried. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's the lack of interest in this particular topic or that i no longer have the fear of failing. The thought comes to mind, that even if i do, i still get at least 3 more chances before they expel me. Yes, that's the system here. I'd think that if you Would infact fail 4 times, then perhaps you're not meant to be here studying in the first place. *touch wood* though. Anything could happen. Especially here.

4 exams this semester.

I know, i'm procrastinating again by writing this post. Somehow whenever i try to focus on reading, my thoughts just meander, leaving me to think about my other buried thoughts. Which is not a good thing.

I've been splurging alot lately. On alcohol, weed, clubs... Talk about debaucheries. Sheesh. Wondering if this exam period would anchor me down, or would i squeeze time dry just to find a slot for my sinful activities. Yes, i may come across as a wild child cooped up in a bolted cage, trying to claw her way out just for that few seconds of freedom, but honestly this is what this place does to you. We're bored most of the time. The friggin weather makes it impossible to just go wandering out and about. And i know i'm just blabbering on right now cos i'm feeling guilty that i'm not studying.

so hey, yea, i shall persevere and fight on with much whining and complaining. Who cares right, as long as i get it done. @@ Eekss

Please, pray i get all this reading done in time o.O