Humans..

Incomprehensible yet so predictable.

We can never understand why we do the things we or others do. But you know for a damn fact they're gonna do it. It's hard to control the mind when you're thinking with your heart. You know for a fact that you're gonna get hurt. Your mind tells you that. It sends you signals, flashbacks of your past. You see it. You know it. Yet you keep telling yourself this time it's different. You talk your brain into accepting what your heart tells you. Feelings. Emotions. Of loneliness, or of being wanted. Just for awhile and in that second that you let your guard down, you're hooked. With your brain, standing there tapping it's foot, knowing at the end of the day it's gonna say "I told you so".

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I went out with Aki last Saturday. It was an impromptu (as usual) decision i made. I knew i needed to get out and I didn't wanna walk alone. She agreed. I picked my usual metro stop and we walked from there on till we reached a lake. I suggested sitting on one of the benches and we just talked. Everything seemed mellow till she told me her dark secret (which i wont get into now) and I felt protective over her. The conversation started to get intense, so I changed the topic as we walked along the streets of Kitai Gorod and ended up at a coffee house.

We talked for hours. About music, each other, life. And i felt comfortable. For the longest time, I haven't had a decent conversation with someone i barely knew and felt connected. The night ended with us, heading down to Kremlin to watch the light festival at Red Square. I guess you wouldn't expect me to say this about synchronized lights and music just streaking across the sky and buildings but it was one of the most romantic things i've seen. At that moment, I wished she (JN) was there. I wanted to just hold someone so badly, that i decided to just leave right after.

I came back and all i could think of was her. It hurts and the pain is like a dull pressurized compressing kind on my chest. I sleep whenever i get upset. I've been sleeping. Not eating. And i'm honestly beginning to feel faint. Funny thing though, when i took my after class nap this evening, Aki occupied my whole dream. And we were extremely close. I can't remember to what extend. But it felt weird, and i decided to tell her about it.

It didn't shock me as much, when she told me she had a dream about me too. And in her dream, we were together. She woke up confused. I told her perhaps it was because we were emotional and sharing our feelings with each other while hanging out that would naturally lead to that. The thing is now.. bringing all this out in the open isn't that dangerous. Poking embers, would probably be. I could foresee something in the distant. It's foggy.

I would be lying if I said i didnt know it would come thus far. Thing is.. was I the one who allowed it? And how far would i take this?

Hmmmm...