Somber mood.

Went out for a smoke, and just so happened to eaves drop on a confrontation of a guy to his girl on how she's been hurting him. Just got me remembering on all the dramas that i've seen/heard/been involved in throughout the years i've been here. Countless. There's just something about hostel dramas that's always right in your face, like a live-on-set of a television series. That's one thing i'll be glad to get out of once i'm done with this place.

Had a good, long 5 hour chat with MC today. It's been so long since we've talked and it was good to catch up and reminisce about the old times. She's that one person that can make me laugh till my ribs hurt and i can't breathe. We used to hang out in school all the time. And every memory i have with her is filled with laughter. Kinda made me missed my old high school friends. It's funny how somethings never crossed our minds anymore, but being with an old friend just brings it all back. The one that probably came as a surprise to me was my ex. Memories of her, of what i can only describe as ancient now feels fresh in my head. Of how we used to skip classes to hang out. The way she held me everytime we were walking. Her smell. The way she laughed. Her hands. Her dimples. The way we used to shyly look at each other and giggle out of sheer embarrassment. The innocence. Of just two younglings who were so into each other. Can't help but wonder if i would ever get that again.

The years would make a person bitter, cold, struck with the truth that the world out there is nothing more than a war zone, as we fight for every single thing. Just to stay alive, to persevere and to hope we don't fall and become this pile of mess where we one day no longer have the strength to stand up anymore. I care less about so many things now as compared to my younger days. Sometimes i wish i wasn't this way, but in order to stay sane and avoid being broken down, i dare say i avoid putting my heart out on the line. No, i'm not who i used to be. The naive, sensitive kid that used to try to please others in hopes that i would make a difference. It's not appreciated, it's not reciprocated.

Would anyone believe me if i said i have that instinct in me that i wouldn't live a long life. I am almost certain, and so sure of this feeling. You'd think that i'd say i hope i was wrong. Or that i would love to prove otherwise, but i think it's not so much of a wanting.. more of a sense.

I tire myself by thinking too much sometimes. Tomorrow is a holiday. Every wednesday should be a holiday. We need that break in the middle of the week. This is what i need.

Goodnight.