I've fallen yet into another blackhole. Spiraling into an empty void not knowing if there's end. A day before my birthday she told me 3 things that felt like continuous stabs to my heart.
1. She called the fucker to sleep over again.
2. Bcos she was confused about things with another guy whom she's going to start trying things with.
3. And she doesnt like me anymore. (but still wanna be close friends)
Needless to say i spent my birthday pretending to be enjoying everything that came my way. Drowning myself in alcohol and cigarettes. It's so cliche. But i really dont know how to lose myself and stop thinking bout all this. I've been hurt too many times. I can't be your friend no matter how we both want it. No actually. I dont want it. Why would i want to put myself in that position where i'm prone to getting hurt yet again. If you're indeed happy. Then i'm glad that you are, but i'm not about to stick around and see you Be happy. Fuck it. Fuck this shit.
Just leave me alone. After all we've been through, couldn't you just throw me a fucking bone and try things with me. Of cos if you honestly don't like anymore, it's a whole different matter, where you should stop being selfish and let me go. So that i can move on.
I'm weak for you. Knowing that at any time you come around, i would just melt and give in. I can't figure out if it's the failure of my conquest or the fact that i have actually fallen for you that makes me still wanna try sometimes. I'm falling in and out of this decision. Praying it will eventually slide or that something would change. That she would change, her mind, or heart.
We had planned a winter trip together. A now even that's for shit. Expected. I'm not surprised. Or maybe i'm just sceptical and pessimistic that way , that i always expect the worse to happen. I wish that i had the room to myself. That i could mourn in my own way. But my roomate and her boyfriend are always around.
this feels like shit. i know time heals everything, but i dont wanna be in this place right now.
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