dun think, just feel..

humans are complicated. how do we really know what another person really wants in life, if we can't figure out ourselves yet. or at least i'm in that situation. how far am i suppose to take this with her. She's been coming over almost everyday now. Honestly i dont know where this is going and im not anxious to find out. I'm just enjoying it and going with the flow. she's been around and i can't help but wonder if im another one of her conquests or flavour of the month. i get bored easily too but i dont jump around. then again maybe it's not fair of me to say that of her. we shall see.. my fren calls me a coward, and maybe i am afraid bout goin into whatever this is. but i getting so comfortable , that i hate sleeping without her by my side..

To the Man, the legend.. my idol.

It's been awhile since i've blogged. As time drew nearer to date of the annual dinner (the day i was suppose to perform) I've been stressing out and counting down the days, praying for it to be over, praying for that moment to come where i could just do what i wanted to do and get the hell out. It was driving me partially insane. Before sleeping off each night, i would try to picture in my head, how our performance would be like as seen by the audience.. it wasn't easy because we didn't have a mirror to practice with and we could only record our practices from an angle, because, well we practiced in corridors. I was more than worried, that everything would turn out some what mediocre or cliched. Mum supported me in everyway she could. 'You can't go wrong with the theme you're doing. Plus i have every confidence in you'. Tsk ma, how would i know if u're lying.

Surprisingly though, when the day did arrive and as we went through rehearsals, i felt a bout of confidence, and that wave of excitement that assured myself, everything might just turn out fine. Of course, my team members were already cocky i think, when the critics during the auditions told us this might be one of the highlights of the event. Still, i wanted it to be perfect. This was something i had dreamed of my entire life. I wasn't doing this for anyone else. I didn't need to prove anything. This was just for me and him (him being MJ). I wanted to give something back for the all the years of entertainment he's given me and the world. Ahhh im starting to sound corny. But i do thank him, because during the dance, i felt no nervousness (im lying i did feel it, but only slightly). Maybe it's because we've been practicing so hard, or as how i'd like to believe, he was there with us. There was just a surge of electricity in me as i moved how he moved (or tried to) and his music pumped into my veins.. Ahh sheer delight.. It was the most satisfying thing i have ever felt in my life. The crowd cheered at every change of the song, and more and more i felt uplifted. Impromptu changes made even came out perfect. Right after we were done, the adrenaline rush was still taking me higher. My worries were over, i didnt trip and fall :P cause the floor wasn't as smooth as i expected it to be. All and all, it was a really good night. Right after returning home, we each got a drink, uploaded the video and watched ourselves sharing Mj's magic with everyone in the hall. I felt like i did him right, by me. Thank u for inspiring me and so many others. (" ,) You made a difference in my life.

Perfection..

the happiest day of my life.
promised myself i'd make a memo of it.
bcos yea, how often do u do you get moments like this in life.
my dance, the one i've been working on for months, with the arrangement and editing of the songs, and choreographing, and teaching and putting it all together to put my dreams and what i can only imagine in my head at that time to reality.
and the outcome... whoaaaaaaaaa.. perfection. it was nothing like how i expected it to be.
the reaction i got from the crowd during the performance, and the post performance comments that i got just filled my heart right up to the brim it was bursting at the seems.
~it was awesome
~simply superb
~best performance of the night
~totally amazing, didnt know you could dance like that
~i was bored till you guys started performing..
The one that was equivalent of 10 praises, "were you trying to break hearts out there or make people fall for you. you were damn yeng'. Then she asked, who did the choreography.. i smiled.. She was in awe. Hahahaha. moment to be obnoxious please.. but only for that moment.
The one that was equivalent of 100 praises. This girl that i recently had a crush on, came up to me, grabbed me by the shoulders and looked into my eyes, "I just couldn't take my eyes off u".
I was so stunned, i just smiled. Heart! Bursting! Ahhh! HAPPPPY!!

Later on, i went over to A,one of her friends to say hi, and she grinned at me.. I know someone who has a crush on u... ^^ my heart skips around a land filled with rainbows and flowers and only nice things.. haha. I basked in the glory of praises, but this topped everything else. To quote A, right after the dance, she came running to A, and said she had a crush on me. And A screamed out Nooooooo. 'What's with the no, i asked'. 'I said No, cos You're mine' @@ ................ -_-'''

Girls...

I came back home, to an offline message that said again, She likes u, but you're mine.

I slept like a baby after that..

PS: i got free cigarettes today. WAT A PERFECT DAY

The Flawless Facade Part 5 (Something fishy)

I heard a shout. It wasn't very loud but it was a sound of distress. I went out and walked up to his door and tried to listen in. Everything was silent. "I trust him," i thought to myself. It's not like he's going to rape her or anything. He's a friend. Plus he didn't look that drunk. He should be conscious of what he's doing. As i continued staring at my laptop, i started getting diplopia. I need to rest. I closed the main door and left my room one ajar so if she came back and she needed me, she could just come in. I drifted off. I heard her pushed my door, and closed it back.

I woke up in the morning, all geared up and ready to parade! Not really. I was half awake as i got up brushed my teeth and got changed. But right when i was about to open my main door, it was as though my sleep bubble burst, and i knew something had happened. There was a key on the door. She locked the door. My block door is never locked. It had became faulty sometime ago, and hers was the only key that worked on it. And there it was, just hanging at the lock. She's still asleep, i'll just have to find out when i get back.

I came home around 6.15pm. 15 more minutes before my dance practice. I had to hurry. I walked into my room and started gathering what i needed for practice. She poked out from her room.

"Hey! I wanted to ask you. What happened last night. I saw the key on the lock. Did he do something?"
She started tearing.. crying..
"He slapped me. Twice. He accused me of lying to him and seeing another guy yesterday,"
I was stunned. The words just couldn't come out of my mouth. Even if it could. I didn't know what to say. It just didn't make any sense to me. I gave her a hug. Still bewildered, confused.
"Why didn't you shout for me. Or try to run away,"
"I did but he kept shutting me up and pulling me back. I couldn't get away,".
I wanted to stay to comfort her. But i was running late.
"I'll kill him when i come back. I'll go talk to him".

When my practice was over, i went back to my room. The door was locked. Poor girl must be traumatized. I knocked till she opened.

"Are you going to talk to him now?"
"Yea, i'm going over right now,"
"It's okay, you dont need to. I'm fine,"
"Nah, i need my guitar back anyway. I'll just talk to him,"

I walked across to his door and banged on it. I didn't realise how angry i was. It took him awhile to open the door, and when he saw me he had on a blur look on his face.

"Hey, did we exchange guitars yesterday?" he said with a puzzled look on his face.
Confused. Is he trying to pull a fast one on me by acting blur?
"No. You borrowed mine. Don't you remember?"
"No, I don't remember anything from yesterday. Then where's mine? Why? What's wrong?"
Ohhh he's good.
"You seriously don't remember anything from last night?"
"I remembered seeing you, then i went to bed. When i woke up i saw two empty bottles of vodka and i knew we drank."
"We? I didn't drink with you. You drank all that yourself. By the way, did you remember seeing BNN?"
He thought to himself for awhile. "No. I don't remember seeing her. Why?"
By this time i was shaking in anger. I was furious. Words just came flying out of my mouth and i couldn't stop myself. I can't recall what i said exactly but it was more or less
-Do you know you slapped her?
-How could you do such a thing a girl.. to a friend?
-Do you know you've traumatized that poor girl to death. She's in there crying
-I've lost all respect for you...
-I don't think i can face you anymore...
-I thought so much of you and now after all we've done for you, befriending you. All she's done for you.. putting up with you harassing her.. disturbing her life.... so what if she sees another guy. You're not her boyfriend. You don't own her. She can do whatever she likes.
-Don't lie to me and say you can't remember a damn thing...

He stopped me. Scratched his head with a bewildered look on his face followed by a What-on-earth-are-you-talking-about stare.
"First of all, I'm telling you. I honestly don't remember anything that happened last night. I swear. You know me. I would never do such a thing. And why did you say i was harassing her. I've never ever disturbed her. Call her here, i need to clarify this."
"She doesn't want to see you again. Ever. She wants to cut ties with you. It's over. I don't think i can be your friend either. I'm sorry."
I was. And i felt sad. I felt like i knew he was so much more than this. Then again, people do stupid things under the influence of alcohol. I could tell he was confused. He stared at his hands then into space as if trying to search for memories he knew he just didn't have.

"I can't remember what happened yesterday. I don't know what i did. But one thing for sure, is that i've never harassed her. So what makes you say that?"
Huh?
"She did! She's been telling me all this time that we've known you, you keep on disturbing her even when she told you she's got a boyfriend. Do you.. like her? Cause she doesnt like you. She doesn't think of you that way. You keep on disturbing her and yet she's willing to be your friend. She's naive, so damn innocent and you've destroyed that in her"
He smirked. WTF?
"Innocent you say. Naive.. Why don't you ask her.
"Ask her what?"
"I won't say. You just go ahead and ask her"
I am puzzled. And intrigued.

I don't sleep in the subway anymore..

I'd be lying if i said i wasn't slightly traumatized by this whole bomb blasting thing. I use the subway everyday. And whenever people walk in and out those doors i can't help but observe each and everyone of them. Studying them. Seeing if they look suspicious. I'm paranoid! I know! I still have to go for my cycles. I still have to stop at the stop the terrorists were suppose to bomb but missed. And whenever i reach the station, my heart races a little and i can't wait to get out of there. It's disturbing, yet we have no choice but to go on our daily routine. Partially traveling in fear. Polices have stopped a few Malaysian muslim girls who wear head scarfs to check their identification and their bags. I even heard of a woman who was terrified when one of our muslim girls sat next to her on the subway. She quickly got off the next station with her son. I dont really blame them, but i sympathize for my friends who are suspected of being terrorists here in this country.

Moscow Metro bombings

37 killed, many more injured in twin bombings at Metro Lubyanka and Metro Park Kultury.
My stop was a metro before Park Kultury, which now, according to rumours were the actual targeted Metro. Im worrying now, imagining what would have happened if they had gone according to plan. Timing would have been just right for i was in the subway at that time.

Better blow away all the 'What if's' floating around my head. I only thank God that no one i know got hurt.

The Flawless Facade Part 4

He had a bad habit. He likes to drink when he's upset. I tend to keep away when he's in that state because he gets really emotional and he starts hugging, and stroking my hair and forcing me to dance with him. All that's fine. I always keep my guard up when he's in that mood. But almost always pitied him, for i see tears in his eyes when he speaks of the reason he drinks. He would never really specifically say what, but i always sensed it was love. A girl. Of course, the one thing that makes us all decide to just screw it and drink our liver away. Girls..

I came back to my block one day at 3 in the morning. A was fast asleep, and BNN had went to a friend's room. He's door was wide open and from the end of the corridor, i saw him staggering towards me. He sang my name, reaching out his arms for a hug. Okay..... Dr-un-k!

"How much did you drink?"
"You want? I have 1/4 of a bottle left"
Vodka...
"No, it's okay. I'm good. How have you been? (he had been complaining that he hasn't been able to eat or sleep well for the past 3 days)
"I want to go back to my country. I'm very sad and lonely"
Then he changes the topic completely.
"Why do people lie? If they don't want to spend time with me, they should tell me straight!"
Oh dear, i thought. It's gotta be about BNN again.
"Well, maybe they don't want to hurt your feelings"
"They still shouldn't lie!" (He's getting worked up)
"It's like a white lie. Sometimes friends just need some space from each other"
"Yea, but what if it's your girlfriend? Should she lie to you about this?"
(he must be talking bout his russian girl aka The fling)

At that time, BNN walks by. He sees her and shakes his head. He looks at me and asks for my guitar. He had lent his to someone else. Not wanting to go against his wishes at a time like this, i passed it to him. He marched into his room, and started playing it. She looked at me with fear in her eyes (she didnt like talking to him when he's drunk).

"He's a little bit emo," i said.
"Yea, he kept calling me to go to his room just now. I told him i was busy with my friends".

He marched out of his room. I excused myself. I was exhausted and i needed rest. I had every intention of going to the St Patrick's Parade the next day and i had only 5 hours left to sleep. She excused herself too. "NO! I want to talk to you. Come in and close the door,". I had no idea, why she followed his orders but i worried for her. I decided not to sleep till she was safely back in. I had left my block door and my room door wide open just in case. Silence took over the hostel and all i could hear was my breathing and the clicking of my mouse as i tried to stay awake in front of my laptop.

The flawless facade Part 3

We had initially planned to avoid him whenever we can. Somehow, that never turns out right. He lives right across from us. He had a peep hole in his door, for pete's sake. He knew when we were going out, when we came back, when we cooked.. etc. And everytime we saw him, we had to be nice. Have a minor conversation. Neighbour talk. "How are you? Have you had your dinner? Weather is shit". That kinda thing. But something happened amidst all the superficiality. He started to grow on us. He would cook for us, we would cook for him. He'd have us over at his place. He'd invite me for a smoke, or a drink occasionally and it wasn't unpleasant. He would even sometimes tutor her when she had a test coming up. I wouldn't let him. I would feel too inferior, and i'd rather study at my own pace then have someone breathing down my neck about it.

But one thing about him though. He was a lonely guy. He was much senior as compared to anyone else in the hostel. Many of his friends had left, and the juniors had their own crowd. Plus, he was too matured for all of them. To me, he was this old man. Always nagging the younger crowd who made too much noise, or those who had rendezvous on our floor, or people who walked by and shuffled their feet instead of carrying it (lazy walk, he said) -_- (we're students.. we're lazy people, we couldnt care less bout how we walked) And being that old man that he is, he bores me sometimes. Talking about politics or educating me bout life and his experience makes me feel like dozing off when i'm not in the mood for it. So more times than none i avoid him when i feel like being by myself. And because he hasn't got much friends, me and BNN are constantly at the top of his 'who-to-disturb' list.

So, we would avoid him when we weren't in the mood for his company. We would exchange updates on how he messaged and we never replied. Or when he called and we didn't answer. And when we did, we pretended to be asleep or swamped at the time. Now, we weren't all that terrible if that's what you're thinking cos believe me, he was the persistent kind. If couldn't reach you today, he'd try tomorrow, and the day after, and so on so forth. I sorta feel, with me, he kinda got the hint. He stopped bugging me as much, cos i could go on for a week without acknowledging his calls. BNN on the other hand, had a much softer heart. She would always have pity on him, give in and end up going to his room to spend sometime with him. Of course, all this would be fine if she didnt occasionally come to me and say what a burden it was being his friend. "I regret ever knowing him" were her constant words.

Like i said, he was persistent. He would demand things from her. ''Cook for me, bring me some stuff from Malaysia, find me information bout something, come and see me Right Now! etc''. "He's always bugging me for things. Or to spend time with him". And when she didn't, he complained to me. He would always ask me, what she was doing. He knew when she was lying if she made an excuse just cos she didn't want to see him. I suspected that he had a thing for her. "Tell him bout your boyfriend. And stop being too nice to him,". She said she had told him many times before that she's engaged to her boyfriend. They're to wed when she graduates. She giggled as she told me, "Yea, i also want to start avoiding him more lah. Lazy to layan". And so that's how it went on for months. I would spend time with him when i felt like it, so would she, and sometimes we 3 would just hang out together. She did still complain about him harassing her from time to time, but I always thought as long as he didn't really do anything to her, then it's pretty harmless. So i'd push him to find a girl and he'd always just smile and shake his head.

The flawless facade Part 2 (The New Neighbour)

Summer came and went, and i returned to Moscow feeling the autumn breeze on my face as i journeyed from the airport to my hostel. I was the last of my block to return, so when i did, i shouted out to them. "Hey!".

"Hey!" came a reply from my back. I turned around to see my new neighbour popping his head out from his door across from mine. It was him! At that time, electrical impulses just weren't passing through my neurons and i stood there stunned. I smiled and ran into my block.

"What is he doing here? He's living across from us now? Is he stalking you or something?" I bombarded all this questions at her, and she gave me a terrified look and an 'I-have-no-idea' gesture. Well, okay, i guess you'll just have to be careful around him. She nodded.

The flawless facade Part 1

Where do i begin.. It seems so long ago. A year and a half to be exact. He was a post grad student. Aside from studying, he made money on the side by selling insurance and worked part time by being a middle man for travel agencies. That's how she (BNN) got to know him. That's how I got to know him. Last winter, we both decided to take a trip to Egypt. She recommended him to me, saying a fellow friend had claimed his deals were reasonable. I was doubtful, but i followed her to inquire anyway. See, the thing bout him was. He had a bad reputation among the Malaysian students and some of the India guys. No one was really sure why though, perhaps he was a conman, or that he was out proud pervert. I never really knew the guy. And i wanted it to stay that way.

After that visit to his room, i never spoke to him aside from the occasional 'Hi' and 'Byes' when i bumped into him on the street. She on the other hand took it to the next level. She added him on her messenger. Of course, she needed updates about the price of the Egypt trip, so she chatted with him frequently. I'm not the type of person who indulges in affairs of others, so at that point i lost interest in whatever was going on. That is until one day i decided to unexpectedly be a nuisance and bug my blockmates. I do this often. I use their spare key, barge in and skip around their room like a 6 year old girl with pig tails till they acknowledge me. But she wasn't there.

"Hey, where did she go?" i asked A, who was in her usual position in bed, facing her laptop that she placed on a chair so it would be eye level and she didn't have to get up because let's face it, for students here, our lives revolve around our laptop. And as long as the screen is pointed to our faces, the only thing we would get up to do is go the bathroom, or to eat.

"She went out with him". I looked at my watch. "It's like 11pm already. Isn't it kinda dangerous to be out so late. Especially with him. We don't really know him."

"Yea, i know. But she's that type of person. She's too nice and friendly to everyone, that she's always making new friends left and right," A said. Yea, tell me bout it. Let me share a little bout BNN. She's a muslim. Tudung (head scarf) wearing kind. Sweet, innocent, and naive. The bubbly, cheerful, laughs her head off at everything kind. She and my ex have the same birthday. Their characters were the same. And i felt i knew her. So when i knew that she was going out with him, i felt troubled. Not because I'm into her (GAWD NO!), but because i felt she was the type of person who could be taken advantage of and i felt i needed to let her know that.

When she returned, i spoke to her. Made sure she knew what she was possibly getting into if she were to continue the friendship. 'Just be careful'. Those were my exact words. Just let him know that you're already in a relationship so he wouldn't consider anything more than friendship. OK, she said. After that i began to lose interest in them again. ( i get bored easily).