insane..

the night sucked. i couldnt sleep at all. i tossed and turned and images ran through my mind. images of her. images of who she's with. images of them together and i would spasm. so hard that i would knock the wall or kick the post of my bed. it tortured me. mentally. and there was no end to it. those and the fact that i was trying to force myself to sleep. im crashed. im numb. and lost. i feel alone. more alone than i've ever been. i felt betrayed. i felt like the awkward one left standing in a crowd full of couples and i'm being jeered. what have i done wrong i wonder. how did i end up here yet again. this pain so unbearable i had nothing to compare it to. i moaned, and i cried, and i shouted in agony. but what was i to do. i felt like i was losing her all over again. reliving the pain of her breaking up with me again. how do i get myself into these things. building a wall around me i feel i must shield myself from the world. i dont think you would understand. i dont think you would know the feeling of being so broken when the person you've put all your love into reflects it back with a simple i dont love you. nothing that you say could soften the blow. no medicine you can apply to heal the wound. the one person who trusted the most in the world, to just shun you leaving no trail of even a scent. am i the only one who feels the connection when we speak. am i only imagining something that isn't really there. i can never comprehend how it is all so simple for you to act so nonchalant and speak to me like you once did but without acknowledging the fact we were once as one. promises like a bridge left to crumble, where it's remains fall into the river and just taken away with the stream. no one knew it existed. just the person standing on one side, watching the other from across walking away.

i felt as though you have loved me once. i see none of it now. it's begining to fade. did it really happen? is this smell that lingers still yours. is the warmth on my hand from your touch. are you the taste on my lips from when you last kissed me. i long for all the things you've done to me once. when you ruffled my hair. when we danced. when we fed each other. when we made love. when i made you laugh. you were mine then. and i've never felt more connected to anyone else. you made me dream. dream of a future. together you and i. and i thought i've never seen things more clearly. then you took away my sun. my world became bleak, dark, cynical. i'm afraid to love again. that is for a fact. i only ever wanted you.

do you think it's amazing that i think of you every single day. there was a never day you never crossed my mind as much as i try to push you out. i wish i could forget you. i wish i never met you. i wish i knew why we couldn't work out. i wish i knew why you stopped caring for me. i wish i knew the answers to everything thats making my brain go haywire that i can't seem to function. more than anything i wish i could stop loving you. already i feel like a loser enough, i now feel like the giant elephant that's standing in your way. in your life. trying to fit in among all your perfection. squeezing in just so i can take a glance at your smile.

questions run through my mind. the answers i fear i will never know. i can only try to be happy for you but would you try to understand what i'm going through. would you ever think to put yourself in my position or does it never enter your mind. you miss out on all the sorrow of the world when you're happy.

is it so stupid for a cynic to still have hope. seems so simple doesn't it. you know what you want. go for it. there's no harm in trying. i've nothing to lose. i still believe. i would still have hope and persevere till i run out of it. give me strength.

sigh~