i'm groggy mcsneezerson

realllllly reallllly blur and groggy the whole day. my brain is swimming in mucus once again. i've brought sneezing to a whole new level, continously sneezing from the morning right up to the evening. i'm not sure if i'm having sinusitis or it's just plain flu. either way, this thing is killing me. and after taking piriton, i now not only feel weak, i feel drowsy. funny, cos it has a weird effect on me, and i giggle unexpectedly every now and then ( in a zombified kind of way though). T from practicals did some palm reading today, and the way she could decipher it so specifically really raised my eye brows. of course i dont believe in it entirely, but it would be fun to see how much of it would come true.

okay, i'm weary. i need rest. i can't control swallowing (or i'm much too stoned) and i think drool is about to overpour.

weeeeee

i wish, i hope, i pray..

sometimes i wish people's promises are for real. most of the time i wish if you knew you couldn't see to the promise you wouldn't have made it. i wish people would just say what they were thinking of, or what they really meant instead of pretending to be nice. you make a mark of your impression but never filling it. i wish there were certain things in life, you never have to learn the hard way. i wish if we did, that there would be some happiness to counter the sad ones. i wish i could peep into the future just to see where it takes me, instead of being in the dark about it. i think life is a mystery enough, and at some point, i really wanna take hold of the reins instead of letting it go out of control. i wish i didnt have to sleep now but i do.

i hope tmr is not boring

i pray that i will one day get answers..

i wish, i hope, i pray..

You're a real charmer but you don't get swept along by the first person who shows an interest in you. You need time to be sure of your feelings and you don't get involved lightly. But when you wake up one day telling yourself you want and love a certain person, your life takes on a whole different meaning. You cover them with kisses and can come across as a bit possessive. No-one touches the one you love! As for your loyalty, it's exemplary. Out of all the people you have encountered throughout your life, you will want to be loved-up in the arms of a one of these kinds of people...and stay there. You two form a wonderful alliance together. From the moment your two meet, a calm climate, full of love and serenity, will be born. You will feel good in their company, you have more things in common than differences. Like you, they love children and family. Alongside them, you will feel like you're in a cocoon, without ever becoming bored. And you have one thing on your mind: building a happy, comfortable and solid nest with them!

i am tempted to punch in at the hospital, remove my labcoat and sit at the patients' waiting area and pretend i'm one of them. seems like there's less to do as the days go by. of course occasionally there are cases that would get us on our feet and huddled together, staring at that one patient or the pathology that they have. sometimes i feel we're quite insensitive, treating patients like objects and practicing our skills on them, but we do what we need to. guess it's just bad luck for those patients who come in for blood sampling or I.V. The rest of the procedures are pretty simple.

interesting cases for the week would include..

cellulitis..oooo

necrotic foot.though the one i saw was much worse than this..

an intravenous drug user, and a schizophrenic guy. Other wise it's all same old same old.

we've been punching out earlier and earlier each day due to boredom. which is good because i save up enough energy for evening exercises.

Another death in Malaysia from H1N1. Planning to take vaccination soon.

Yasmin Ahmad passed away 3 days ago. Her sudden death seemed like dejavu as i couldn't help associating her with Michael. A part of me was irritated though when Michael died, because suddenly everyone took an interest in him when in truth, they all criticized the way he look and lived. You can't take back what you said, or pretend it didn't happen and mourn for him the way you do, with what you've said in the past. somehow though, this year seems like a very bad year. with all these deaths and the flu pandemic, i foresee a dark cloud heading our way with the worst yet to come.. *background effect* OOooooo.. hahaha

Sucker

she said, stop thinking like a guy and read between the lines.

and i go.. "ohhhh"..

didn't know..

"i guess i was just naive, and i thought she was being honest"

she said, open your eyes, and see for yourself. what would make you think that way.

hmm..

woot

skipped practicals today. for a good cause. family time! mum was finally free, dad was off from work and kiddo had no classes. plus practicals were getting boring.

with the heavy rain these couple of days, there were less patients at the hospital. except for blood taking, there was nothing else to do at the hospital but sit and gossip while stuffing our faces with curry puffs at the canteen.

slept through the whole evening today. didn't realise how sleep deprived i was.

not exactly looking forward to another monotonous day again tomorrow. though there's always my trustworthy source of entertainment awaiting for me at the hosp.

Babies!

they always know how to put a smile on your face.

~coo coo~

i'm invisible...

back from trip.

have to continue practicals again tmr for the next two weeks. hoping there would be more different cases each day if not i'll be sitting around the benches again getting shooed from one place to another. the nurses can be a bitch. yea you're more senior than us for now, that doesnt give you the right to treat us with any less respect. when kicked out of their resting room, we asked permission to sit in the patient's waiting hall by the doctors which they then locked. we get stares from sitting in the canteen. where else are we to go. sit by the damn longkang? finally got pally with the indian guards, and they showed us a quiet little garden way back of the hospital where we could relax.

practicals can get a bit boring towards midday. by then most of us find ourselves patient-less, sleepy, and tired from standing up the whole morning. what a way to spend the summer holidays.

the trip was good. though i have to admit my mornings were usually off. i never wake up feeling myself and my thoughts are usually else where. silence and a smile gets me through those times, come afternoon i'm usually much better. didn't buy much this time around. was looking for more formal clothes but couldn't find any good ones.


did stumble upon this shirt though. found it hard to resist putting it up here.

don he look juz like me..

have to start jogging again. my hours for my morning jog has been taken over by attachments.. and by the time i come back, i'm usually too exhausted. still, there's that discontented feeling if i dont exercise. plus i think my arm muscles are getting muscular atrophy. i kept on lifting weights the past months that when i came back, most of my sleeves were tight.. and i thought my shirt shrank.. hmm.. could prolly fit into them now.

highlight of the trip: went into a shop, and after walking down 3 aisles i realised there was a girl following me. which was kinda freaky because she kept standing so close. i didn't bother looking at her, instead i rushed down each aisle hoping to get rid of her. when i found my sister, i whispered, "i don't know why that girl keeps on following me". my sis looks up and whispers back, "she's not a she". I turned around, and bladdee hell this muscular woman was smiling at me. Flattered, but no thanks.. She was pretty though. Kinda reminded me of Dil in The Crying Game.

right, have to get up early tmr. haven't the chance to sleep in till noon since i've been back from Moscow. and all i wanted was a good rest after my semester.

~darn

insane(3)

well i (out of insanity) tore up a 3 day project that was meant to be her grad present. fuck it. just when i thought it couldn't get worse. What's lower than rock bottom? My heart fell again. You know that feeling when you're free falling from gravity like on a roller coaster, speeding downwards. sometimes i feel i should just get the hint and back off. other times i feel i should just keep pushing myself. both playing a role in my indecisiveness. there's no easy way out. no advice anyone can give to aid me.

it takes two..

this one man fighting show is about to end.

i'm tired, i'm sleepy. from the long hours of practicals, the lack of sleep... from doing what ended up as a complete waste of time and becoming food for the damn dustbin.

do what you wanna do from now on. i think i'm about to give up.
-------------------
pray this trip does me good. need sleep.
c u monday, buddy.

Practicals

It's only been 2 days but i've learnt so much just by doing my practicals here in Malaysia. Been assigned to the O&G department this week. First things first, anyone would tell you, looking at bleeding, infected VaJayJay's all day, is not a pretty picture, nor is it my how i would ideally spend my day. Although i've yet to study about O&G, i picked the department hoping to get some experience since i wont be able to do my practicals here next summer. And though most of the time i dont understand any of the terms they're using, i'm taking the time to slowly pick it up and i guess it's good preparation for the next semester.

Today was slightly slow, but i did see more interesting things compared to yesterday.

The miracle of birth. Is hell of a disgusting. After seeing what i saw today, i promised myself that if i ever have a partner in labour, i swear that as a doctor, i'll make sure she gets the best of everything. Guess that's one of the privileges i can request for from a friend or a colleague. Because delivering of the child i saw today was done by a bunch of nurses, and the way they treated that woman was just sad. It was rough, with the pulling and the pushing and the poking and prodding. It's normal i know, but i would never let anyone i'm with go through that same thing. Digging into that women like they were going through a pocket. The baby that i saw just now, came out cynotic, which adding together with the fluids and blood, she looked like alien. Of course, after cleaning her up, all of us couldn't wait to just go googoogaagaa over her.

Also saw torn off flesh, from a man's palm. As in a chunk of meat, just hanging from a man's hand. Massive bleeding that filled up an entire tray. After washing the wound with sodium chloride, and injecting him with lidocain, they started suturing which was the best part. I was eager to try, but one of the seniors wanted to first, so i stepped back. Still have time anyway. Plus i could just practice on fruits or chickens first. ^^

I wonder sometimes how are we going to cope with the malaysian system, in the future, if we didnt get to experience it here and now. Alot of people don't realise it but this is quite a critical period of our course, that allows us to take the time to get accustom with the way things are done here. My juniors wouldn't be able to do their practicals in malaysia. and when we grad and start our housemenship, and we are in the blur about the system, who's to blame.

who's who..

sheepy, T, P

thx u..

headache.. stress...

with

fees...

blarggghhhhhhhhhhh

i hate money...

T_T

practicals start tmr.. dont know if i can concentrate tmr with all this lack of sleep.

after this practical shit, i plan to just dye my hair blond and die.. wont be able to do this next time.. so fuck it..

insanity strikes again...

=/

insane(2)

still a bit confused.. still a bit blur.

i accidentally used my sister's toothbrush just now.. didnt even realise it was the wrong one till midway. =/

went jogging in morning. had a good run in the rain. had managed to finish off editing and putting together song's for mum's training. took me a whole damn week to do that, cos mum keeps changing songs she wants and the time limit. yet to choreograph all of the moves. in the process of it. looking forward to teaching a bunch of old man dance grease lightning by myself too.

haven't had the time to take lessons for driving all these years. dad has suddenly decided that i should start now, when last year he was against it -_- tried driving around my area so far, and i must said i'm pretty good despite never having taken lessons. inexperienced yes, but i'm good babeh.. huhhu . watever

practicals starts next monday. planning to do it for 2 weeks at the most. then i'll be running away. holidays this time around is too short. too many things to do so little time. but i guess it's best to keep myself busy.

time to think of moves for my dance..

need to also reformat mum's laptop to use as my own. feel like it's just the worst year ever. hard to believe in anything anymore, what with the fire, with deaths, bad health, financial problems, studies, and youknowwhats, etc.. somehow it's taken alot out of me. i feel like i have lost the essence of life. and sometimes right when you need someone to talk to, they all turn a blind eye towards you and run away. there are so few you can trust, even fewer you can open up to.

fed up of history repeating itself. there's only so much you can take. so many people that can step on you before you finally say, no more.. no more..

but i'm a fool .. a damn fool.. so i can bet you this will happen again.

so naive..

insane..

the night sucked. i couldnt sleep at all. i tossed and turned and images ran through my mind. images of her. images of who she's with. images of them together and i would spasm. so hard that i would knock the wall or kick the post of my bed. it tortured me. mentally. and there was no end to it. those and the fact that i was trying to force myself to sleep. im crashed. im numb. and lost. i feel alone. more alone than i've ever been. i felt betrayed. i felt like the awkward one left standing in a crowd full of couples and i'm being jeered. what have i done wrong i wonder. how did i end up here yet again. this pain so unbearable i had nothing to compare it to. i moaned, and i cried, and i shouted in agony. but what was i to do. i felt like i was losing her all over again. reliving the pain of her breaking up with me again. how do i get myself into these things. building a wall around me i feel i must shield myself from the world. i dont think you would understand. i dont think you would know the feeling of being so broken when the person you've put all your love into reflects it back with a simple i dont love you. nothing that you say could soften the blow. no medicine you can apply to heal the wound. the one person who trusted the most in the world, to just shun you leaving no trail of even a scent. am i the only one who feels the connection when we speak. am i only imagining something that isn't really there. i can never comprehend how it is all so simple for you to act so nonchalant and speak to me like you once did but without acknowledging the fact we were once as one. promises like a bridge left to crumble, where it's remains fall into the river and just taken away with the stream. no one knew it existed. just the person standing on one side, watching the other from across walking away.

i felt as though you have loved me once. i see none of it now. it's begining to fade. did it really happen? is this smell that lingers still yours. is the warmth on my hand from your touch. are you the taste on my lips from when you last kissed me. i long for all the things you've done to me once. when you ruffled my hair. when we danced. when we fed each other. when we made love. when i made you laugh. you were mine then. and i've never felt more connected to anyone else. you made me dream. dream of a future. together you and i. and i thought i've never seen things more clearly. then you took away my sun. my world became bleak, dark, cynical. i'm afraid to love again. that is for a fact. i only ever wanted you.

do you think it's amazing that i think of you every single day. there was a never day you never crossed my mind as much as i try to push you out. i wish i could forget you. i wish i never met you. i wish i knew why we couldn't work out. i wish i knew why you stopped caring for me. i wish i knew the answers to everything thats making my brain go haywire that i can't seem to function. more than anything i wish i could stop loving you. already i feel like a loser enough, i now feel like the giant elephant that's standing in your way. in your life. trying to fit in among all your perfection. squeezing in just so i can take a glance at your smile.

questions run through my mind. the answers i fear i will never know. i can only try to be happy for you but would you try to understand what i'm going through. would you ever think to put yourself in my position or does it never enter your mind. you miss out on all the sorrow of the world when you're happy.

is it so stupid for a cynic to still have hope. seems so simple doesn't it. you know what you want. go for it. there's no harm in trying. i've nothing to lose. i still believe. i would still have hope and persevere till i run out of it. give me strength.

sigh~

everything's changed..

well it's already been 5 days since i've touched down from Moscow. so far it's been so hectic, i haven't the time to open this laptop of mine at all. of course, 90% of the things that were keeping me busy was food. coming home this time, everything seemed so different, so surreal that coming home, didnt really feel like i was.. u know.. coming Home.. or maybe it's the fact that im getting used to all this.

but rili, everything's changed. for starters, my house isn't the same. since the fire, they took the opportunity to change almost everything. the colors are diff, the tiles, the walls, the furniture, even my dog looks different. i needed a while to get used to it.

went to ipoh during the weekend. with ahma not being there, the house felt empty. stopped by the church to pay her a visit, and sis started crying uncontrollably even before we got down from the car. damn her and her water works got me goin as well. but we all do miss her.. we cried when we reminisce bout her adorable ways, we cried when we cleared her stuff.. i cried just looking at her picture hanging on the wall. i dont think this is something that i'll ever get over..

i know i'm just yapping away here. but everyone's asleep, and i have nothing else better to do.

spent the morning choreographing a dance for some big shot's annual dinner. spent the whole afternoon editing songs for mum. i have no idea how my time just passes by. almost a week since i've been back. already i have to start my practicals next monday. actually tonight would be the first night that i'll be sleeping alone. since i came home i've been sleeping with my parents and cramming in between my sisters. i dont know why, something about this house, makes me feel a bit lonely. it's like a reminder of something i've lost, or someone and i just didnt wanna be alone for the first few nights.

anyway i guess i better be headin off to bed. i know i dont talk much when i'm back in malaysia. if u have met my mother and sister, u would know why. so this is just my place to crap, verbal diarrhea or watever..

~taaa