Inked.

Mr pessimist was right. When everything seems right for too long, some shit is bound to happen.

Anyway, Im scarred for life. Inked. No longer a tattoo virgin.

No regrets on what i've chosen. Simple. Just the way i like it. Been getting good comments on it too, so what the heck right. It's been somehow triggering everyone else to consider just getting one done too.

It is troublesome though, maintaining it. It requires the utmost delicacy and i've been resisting the urge to scrub or scratch it. It's been itchy a bit lately due to the healing of the skin. Having to put on ointment 4 times a day, and massaging during and after showering its just time consuming to me. Lol. I of course have cut down the ointment applying routine to half the required amount. It's still maintaining it's colour anyway, so i'm not too worried. As long as i dont have to go in for a touchup. My friend's on the other hand has started to fade and it's turned into a rather dark green colour. I somehow think her body absorbed the colour , for she has a dark skin tone anyway hahah. Anyway i'm satisfied with mine. I just pray the day doesn't come when I get bored of seeing it everytime i look in the mirror. Enjoying it for now.

Also have to get used to people not looking at my face everytime I have a conversation with them. Face, Up.. =.=

i'm getting a tattoo done tmr..

wish me luck.. X)

Call me Mr Pessmist

Cause I believe when everything seems to be going smoothly for too long a period.. something bad is about to happen..

I dont sit around waiting for it, but i tend to worry..

Been in a chirpy mood lately, but i know it wont last long..

Enjoying the day as it comes..

Gawd i miss this feeling..

Defeated by wine

Seems like a good time to update my blog. havent much else to do anyway. i gave up trying to study after staring at the pages filled with pictures of eyeballs. Had a stupid fire drill this morning. The effects of the recent mishap. Due to one girl's mistake, everyone else must suffer, sacrificing our Sunday's sleep-in for an evacuation of the building. I for one, from the very beginning did not intend to walk down flights of stairs only to be herded into another building like cattle. I made it a point to wake up half and hour earlier, so i could treat myself to breakfast at Mcdonalds. An option most of the other students took as well. Came back only when i heard that all is done and took a good 4 hour nap..

Niceeee...

Body's been aching the whole day. Spent 3 hours yesterday just running around. An hour for futsal and 2 for handball. Though i've been walking around with minimal hence robotic looking movements, i must say i have no regrets. Pain is pleasure..
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Dear, blog.. i'm not sure if i should tell you this, for i am embarrassed still for what i've done last week. Never have i lost my cool so much, being frustated, lost and randomly confiding in a person whom i not really close to.

Yes, all this was done under the influence of alcohol.

Wine, to be precise..

Here is where i admit defeat. I lost to wine. I can control myself, consuming beer, and other means of cocktails and liquor. But wine.. it's just too relaxing a drink for me to be aware of when i've reached that certain level where my tongue is looser than the vaginas of porn stars.

In my defense, had i been in a clear state of mind.. I would have probably reacted the same way.
I was drinking with her and J. She always get a little too friendly with me when she's loosen up. Leaning against my shoulder and hugging me adding in little pecks on my cheeks.

She has made her intentions quite clear before that all she wanted was friendship (though she claims she still likes me) just to keep things simple because at the end of the day, neither of us wanted a relationship and she's fucked up in a certain way that she still needs to fool around with someone else she doesnt have feelings for.

When she does things like that though, it gives me hope. Yea, maybe that's why i'm still sticking around. Hoping, or knowing that one day, she would eventually stop. In the midst, of us drinking she said she had reached her limit. I offered to walk her back to her room. Her reply was, "Do me a favour. Don't."

I knew where she was headed. You don't just spent a whole night cuddling up close to someone then decide to run off into the arms of someone else. I got pissed. I lost my cool. I went out, punched a damn wall and banged my head on the balcony bars. Went into J's room with a face so fucked up, he had terror in his eyes. That i remember clearly. He asked me to sleep it off, not knowing what else to say. I went out to take a puff, as i heard the melodious sound of guitar strings being strummed. Knowing who it was, i went towards the sound of music. Blabbered for a bit, went down to get the remaining bottle of wine and headed back up again to continue where i left off.

Everything after that was a blur. I remembered being sent down to my room. And woke up to a note on my laptop, a cup of tea on my table and a damp cloth by my chair. Fuck.. what have i gotten myself into and what the crap did i let out.

Ripple effects of my actions lead to her and her fool around buddy. I'm not sure of the specifics, because she did not say, and i don't quite wanna know. I felt a pang of guilt though, knowing that i muddled in someone elses crap. But at the same time i really don't care. Just taking this as a lesson to never drink stupid again around others and when i'm vulnerable. She doesnt mention bout it anymore, but i still have to take crap from J who constantly reminds me of my defeat to wine.

And as for that girl i confided in, she was smart enough not to repeat what i had let out, to me.

Certain things are just best to push aside.

here we go again

feeling lost and angry.

i haven't felt like this in ages. i was perfectly fine and stable.

and now im sitting in the dark, with my sick roomate beside me and i feel like i cant vent.

blasting songs into my ears helps though.

i can't go back into that spiraled down deep shit hole. i won't let myself go there.

never ...

another year..

i haven't blogged in a really long time. getting lazy to keep tht ball rolling and keep on posting stuff. maybe i rather not think bout things that's why. writing everything down, just requires me to recall events all over again.

spent the whole summer keeping myself busy whenever i can. certains nights do leave me sleepless haunted with thought iv tried to push aside. the thing is, we try to keep ourselves distracted by occupying every second of the day with some silly activity. But night comes, when i turn in and try to sleep, try falling asleep to shows, it still pops into my dreams. nightmares.

upon coming back here, it hasnt made it much easier. unwanted reminders (people) appear from everywhere. even as im typing this now, my eyes are squinting tryin to push it all away.

talking things out with her, honestly helps.. i just have the need to try to understand everything. and figuring her out has proven to be difficult. the question to answer after all this.. is.. What now? yet to be talked over... trust is still an issue for me.

dont feel like going into details bout that for now.

On a different note, our hostel has had a fire incident. Nothing compared to previous years. Mainly because this one really got out of hand due to the carelessness of certain juniors, and ended up putting the whole block at risk. 7 people injured, most with second degree burns.

Thank god i have only two more years to go to say farewell to this dumbfuck place.

Spent my Friday night drinking with J. Suddenly hit me that this would be his last year here. Conversation turned a bit emo midway when we were both already slightly tipsy. It's nice to hear when someone says their good memories of this crappy place would always be one that im in. The fun that we had together. No idea how i'm gonna get through next year without him. I'm so used to running to his damn room whenever i'm stressed.

Ahhhhhhhh.. 2 more yearsssss... Feels like i've been studying forever..

Everything feels stagnant somehow..

when you say you still LIKE me

i could still joke with her.. of course there are times when i just become mean and shoot her right down.. but the end of the day, i'd always still look into her eyes, and smile..

the night before she left i stood by her as she got up to leave my room, i teased her about something and laughed. she dropped her things and hugged me. tears on my shoulder as she muttered under her breath, "i regret what i did". With her arms around me, i melted. She held me a little tighter and i just felt both stupid and confused.

"I really do still like you... "

i don't know which is worse ..

the fact that you may very well be lying to my face
(what more after what you did..)

or the fact that it is indeed true..
(but u're still not sure bout what to do cos u need to settle things with ur ex first)

the stupid half of me believes her
the other half is still putting a guard up..

i need to get back to malaysia to clear my head..
3 more days baby..
back to the place i call
Home..

a new day

spent the whole of yesterday just laying in bed sleeping it off. she came around and i was surprisingly nice. why? no fucken idea. maybe cos i still like her. everything bout her was different. but i woke up today.. feeling indifferent. maybe it's the whole out of sight, out of mind thing. if i dont see you, i dont feel shit for you. i'll just push whatever memories out the door.

ystdy was a day of dwelling, mourning, brooding..

today is my day of anger.. i woke up feeling hatred. for everyone. everyone that was involved.. i don't see why i should put up with this shit. i dont deserve being treated like crap. she and her bunch of fuck buddy friends are a bunch of emotionally retarded fucknuts. i promised to never have anything to do with them ever again. it's not worth anything to me. i was happy the way i was before ever knowing ever of them. and that's the way it shall remain..

i'm all up for drinks tonight. slowing getting back to how i was.

fuck em' all.

fuck em' all to hell..

Slut

awesome.

the girl that i was with for the past few months have been fucking two other guys while she was with me..

none of which knew bout each other.

is there no one else left in this world to trust..

i have no faith left in humanity..

anyone out there who feels me and wanna offer their condolences.. pls feel free to do so..

so FML la...

impervious... stone cold heart?

do realise at this point of time, that i'm just layaning whatever that comes by.
i didnt bfore, and i was most of the time deeply affected..
the mood that i am in now reminds me that i should and i perhaps am (for now) impervious to your comings and goings as you please.
no im not upset, nor do i feel the need to want more.. or ask any from you.
there's no point in that .. imho
emotionless, i might say..
and indifferent to whatever it is we have..
maybe i've come to a point where i feel i give only what i get..
i'm not expecting anything.. maybe i am cold .. doubtful , skeptical , u name it.. i am the pessimist that you see..
whatever laaa.. i doubt u feel any different anyway..
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if the question on your mind, is if i am any happier than i am before?
the answer would be no.. i was already happy the way i was.. i found myself by being alone. yea sure there are times when i was lonely and i get depressed. the question is, how is it any different now from before if i still don't have someone by me.
i've gotten accustom to not goin to people when i'm upset , on rare occasions it would be to J. he gets me. so i wouldnt ask of anyone .. i would ask it of u to accompany me during those times. maybe it's not reached that level. who knows.. no point questioning for now anyway.