How's it gonna be

i'll leave in a year. what would be like then?

cant help but wonder.

would i forget u.. would u forget me

Circles

Maybe what we really need to do is just let go, instead of kidding ourselves.

scribbles of the heart

It's april. snow still falls sometimes but i think it's safe to say we can begin to look forward to warmer weathers. Intervarsity games has came to an end so i guess i'll be back to my mundane life. thank god. no more waking up early for morning trainings. what did we get in the end? gold of cos. kicked ass. pretty proud of my team and of myself for scoring the golden goal ending a string of draws for penalty shots. we've earned bragging rights bringing home 1 of the 3 golds won by our uni. the underdogs have proven themselves. how the weight of gold around my neck somehow makes my head light haha

for the past few weeks, iv been avoiding u know who. unfortunate as it that i couldnt do so since we were playing in the same team and ironically ended up spending 3 days together being inseparable. after the games, all that was on my mind was, What now? do i go back to avoiding her, or do i stick around awaiting her next imminent action that would naturally hurt me as i retreat once more. y do i keep having faith and being let down again and again.

insanity- is doing the same thing again and again but expecting different results.

im just impossible to convince. sigh.
stubborn heart.. free me from this sorrow.

Don't miss me when im gone

Women's day

A tear falls rolls down my face as i wondered why.

My heart is troubled. And i know i put on a facade and try to block all this out from my head at the same time.

I dont know what i want. She doesn't know what she wants.

How can i like someone like that.

Words that float through my mind as morning comes.

Stay away. Don't. Let go. Break free. Avoid. Run.

Someone please help me, from getting soft everytime i see you. Giving in is so easy when it comes to you. Emotions, please don't take over me.

I need to distract myself with something or someone new.

Happy women's day. Thanks for all the smiles and heartaches.

Somber mood.

Went out for a smoke, and just so happened to eaves drop on a confrontation of a guy to his girl on how she's been hurting him. Just got me remembering on all the dramas that i've seen/heard/been involved in throughout the years i've been here. Countless. There's just something about hostel dramas that's always right in your face, like a live-on-set of a television series. That's one thing i'll be glad to get out of once i'm done with this place.

Had a good, long 5 hour chat with MC today. It's been so long since we've talked and it was good to catch up and reminisce about the old times. She's that one person that can make me laugh till my ribs hurt and i can't breathe. We used to hang out in school all the time. And every memory i have with her is filled with laughter. Kinda made me missed my old high school friends. It's funny how somethings never crossed our minds anymore, but being with an old friend just brings it all back. The one that probably came as a surprise to me was my ex. Memories of her, of what i can only describe as ancient now feels fresh in my head. Of how we used to skip classes to hang out. The way she held me everytime we were walking. Her smell. The way she laughed. Her hands. Her dimples. The way we used to shyly look at each other and giggle out of sheer embarrassment. The innocence. Of just two younglings who were so into each other. Can't help but wonder if i would ever get that again.

The years would make a person bitter, cold, struck with the truth that the world out there is nothing more than a war zone, as we fight for every single thing. Just to stay alive, to persevere and to hope we don't fall and become this pile of mess where we one day no longer have the strength to stand up anymore. I care less about so many things now as compared to my younger days. Sometimes i wish i wasn't this way, but in order to stay sane and avoid being broken down, i dare say i avoid putting my heart out on the line. No, i'm not who i used to be. The naive, sensitive kid that used to try to please others in hopes that i would make a difference. It's not appreciated, it's not reciprocated.

Would anyone believe me if i said i have that instinct in me that i wouldn't live a long life. I am almost certain, and so sure of this feeling. You'd think that i'd say i hope i was wrong. Or that i would love to prove otherwise, but i think it's not so much of a wanting.. more of a sense.

I tire myself by thinking too much sometimes. Tomorrow is a holiday. Every wednesday should be a holiday. We need that break in the middle of the week. This is what i need.

Goodnight.

I find myself sitting here, after a week of classes. Back to the old routine. Mundane.

I'm in need of something new. Something exciting. I've hoped that winter would have been over but it's just the beginning. Dropping down to -24 next week. I always look forward to spring to go gallivanting about. Seems pointless now to go out, and end up freezing my ass off.

I diagnosed myself as chronically bored. I read in article that people who are constantly bored, are most likely to have a shorter life span because they tend to put themselves at greater risk of activities just to feel the adrenaline. I probably fall under that category.

Empty. I actually feel quite empty. Hanging out with the same people, seeing the same old faces. Do people here really lack essence or it it just me? 6 years in this God forsaken place has really gotten me itching to get out. Go else where.

I'm exhausted. By superficial conversations and smiles. Pretending to be interested in a conversation when all i do is zone out and end up catching just the last line of their sentences. People used to say i'm a good listener but really i think all i am is someone who really can't be bothered by whatever they're saying. Of course that comes and goes. I'm not entirely uninterested. I am genuine most of the time. Just of late, i'm beginning to wonder if there's more to this.

I need to get my flame back. It's dying out and i need to find something to reignite it..

hmmm

Ending the hols with a split chin

End of first sem. End of holidays.

Time is just passing way too fast. Happy chinese new year. Year of the rabbit. Predicted to have lots of bad luck for those born on this year. That would be me. So far everything has been going great, cept for the fact that i tripped, fell and landed on my chin. On solid ground/floor. Yes, in my room. Don't ask me if i was drunk. I would not admit that. Cept that i already have. haha. Truth is, i came back to my room perfectly fine. Dived onto my bed. Woke up the middle of the night. Most probably to puke.. Tripped and fell. I'm guessing. The only thing i remember was falling. The events between that, and waking up in the wee hours of the morning were a blur. I woke up to the sight of bloody sheets, a pan on the floor filled with vomit and blood stained towel too. Yes, i'm disgraceful when i drink. @@ whoah that's too strong a word i think. Think not less of me. I haven't been drinking in a very long time. I think it was amazing enough that i managed to crawl back into bed after falling down. Not that it's anything to be proud of. Anyway, i woke up to that. Checked myself in the mirror, and saw that my chin had split, about 1cm wide. Scrambled for a plaster, and stuck in to my chin, felt that it was a bang up job and went back to bed.
Geez.. this kid's psycho.
My dad just laughed upon hearing this. I'm a marvel.
Updates on exams. Everyting went great. But towards the last paper, i had completely given up. A month of exams is just too much. It had taken a toll on me, and everyone could see i was losing it before the final paper. I was drained. Marinated, skewed and ready to be BBQ-ed. Spent the first 3 days of holidays sleeping and lazing around. Taking weed and just staring at smoke for an hour. After a week of doing nothing, i was rejuvenated.
I finally found the time to see the Russian Circus, and the opera. Other than that, i was proud of the fact that i actually managed to do everything that i wanted to do. Karaoke, have my steamboat, drink, get stoned, snowboard, and shisha. Oh and i finally got my last vaccination for cervix cancer.. hahaha. I've been searching Moscow for a month for this stupid vaccine.
Gahh, i can't believe two weeks just flew by in a blink of an eye. Preparing for the worst, next semester. I heard it's hell. I haven't even had time to be bored. And now, I can't even sulk properly for i usually lean my chin on something. =.=
I'm beginning to think i'm a very odd sort of human being.

FOCUS!

I can't seem to keep my mind concentrated on studies. In truth, this is only the 2nd day since i began planting my face in my notes and already i'm bored. It's worrying, that i'm not worried. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's the lack of interest in this particular topic or that i no longer have the fear of failing. The thought comes to mind, that even if i do, i still get at least 3 more chances before they expel me. Yes, that's the system here. I'd think that if you Would infact fail 4 times, then perhaps you're not meant to be here studying in the first place. *touch wood* though. Anything could happen. Especially here.

4 exams this semester.

I know, i'm procrastinating again by writing this post. Somehow whenever i try to focus on reading, my thoughts just meander, leaving me to think about my other buried thoughts. Which is not a good thing.

I've been splurging alot lately. On alcohol, weed, clubs... Talk about debaucheries. Sheesh. Wondering if this exam period would anchor me down, or would i squeeze time dry just to find a slot for my sinful activities. Yes, i may come across as a wild child cooped up in a bolted cage, trying to claw her way out just for that few seconds of freedom, but honestly this is what this place does to you. We're bored most of the time. The friggin weather makes it impossible to just go wandering out and about. And i know i'm just blabbering on right now cos i'm feeling guilty that i'm not studying.

so hey, yea, i shall persevere and fight on with much whining and complaining. Who cares right, as long as i get it done. @@ Eekss

Please, pray i get all this reading done in time o.O

we'll see

Have each of us decided to stop going around in circles by avoiding each other?

I know i am.. or at least i'm trying to.

Seems like the only solution i can think of.