tired of life

money has always been a problem for me.. i dont think anyone understands this. i'm not rich, and my mother has always been one good example for me in ways to save and to not waste away money on things that we dont' need. sad to say i've followed in that example to the point that i dont buy anything at all. not for myself, not for other people, not for anyone. one thing i've dared not ask for my mum, is always money. money money... root of all evil and now its gotten me in a tangle with my mum who now refuses to talk to me and wants to cry in her pillow. i feel like such an idiot sometimes. i never tell them the truth at times. at times, i dont eat just to save money. yes, i dont eat, i know i will get sick this way, but in order to just have enough money for the month, i do that. that's not even to save aside! that's just so i can still survive so i wont have to ask for money from them. they can provide, i know they can. but everytime i ask them for money , it hurts me so much. does it sound like i'm suffering? sigh i dont know. maybe i am. maybe that's just how i am. i'm a very simple type of person. but sometimes it does get to me and just get frustrated because i dont know what to do. get a job here? it's illegal, you're not allowed to do business of any sort, there's the language barrier, and i have friggin no time to take a job because of my study time. so i generate money, by cooking and selling stuff to other students when i'm in need of cash.

but sometimes my frustration gets to me and that's when i get it. that's when it comes back to me because as i was talking to my grandparents, i dont know why i told them i dare not ask my mum for money. which indirectly makes my mum look bad and that's when my double dose of heacache came. i care not to go into futhur details from here, because i'm so sick and tired of life that all i wanna do now is lie down.. crying over her, crying over my mum, crying over my family, crying over money.. just fucking tired of all this.. i just wanna pray that when i sleep, i wont wake up anymore.. it's easier that way. problems problems.. sighh

btw, my mum rarely uses the word fuck on me, so when she does, i know she means it..