i can feel a change in myself already. will it take over me completely or is this a phase. only time will tell, only time will heal right? already i feel alone. already i feel so out of place. so uncomfortable with everything. i feel so foreign in this place, my own room, my own body. I know i'll be ok. I wont die, though i do feel like dying inside right now. sad to say i feel you're the only thing i can talk to right now without the fear of being judged, or scolded or resented. i can hardly open my eyes, i try not to. my tears will just keep flowing. if i'm to be alone without you, then i will be alone completely. what's the purpose of mixing with others and pretending to be happy when you know that only one person that makes you happy. i can't do that. i know she can. of course i'll pray everyday she'll come back to me. she'll decide that she can't do this. but i know her, no matter how hard it is for her, she'll fight it, she die trying to be without me just to prove that she can. i know in time what will happen if this goes on but perhaps its best not to say it out loud. i can still look to the skies and pray she'll come back to me. shit, so fucking hard to type with my eyes keep blurring out. i seem so pathetic don't i. i'm not like that you know. it's just, with her, she was my weak spot. my weakest.. i get pissed if anyone says anything about her, i get so down when she's blue, and i'm the happiest person in the world when she laughs. sometimes i feel i resemble a lost puppy. she took me in, took care of me, and loved me. it's just that now she realises that it's too much for her and she's kicking out. i think too much. didn't occur to me till now. i used to be like that, before i met her and during the beginning of our relationship. she used to tell me that all the time too. i think too much. i worry too much. fuck that it's starting to come back to me. i talk to myself alot too. had no one else to talk to. even if i did, i don't know how to. words just don't seem to come out as easy with anyone else. sometimes its more formal. i dont wanna fucking cry, somehow that's all i do. if i let myself be, i know all the memories of us will just flood back and i'll die crying. how can i be so stupid to think that someone like her could actually be mine forever. seems like such a foolish dream now. i couldn't be there for her, physically. all this feelings of hurt and pain and anger and confusion is just, so much to handle right now. i miss her so much. and i feel everytime i sms her to just tell all this, it's not something she wants me to do. i'm fucking starting to be sceptical again. i hate that. i'm starting to resent everything again. i don't wanna live like that. but the thing is i dont know how to feel anymore. i dont know what i'm suppose to feel. i dont know if i should just lie to myself and be strong, i dont know if i should be angry with life, i don't know if moping and sulking would make me feel better, i dont know anythign anymore. i dont know.. i feel so lost in a fucking pitched black world. i think i'll feel safe in this room. then again i pray that when i step out, something would hit me and i'd die. wouldn't it be easier. i am hating happy people right now. i don't want to be around couples, if you know what i mean. but i guess i'm stuck with that right. i don't want to be around people for that matter. just leave me alone. maybe i should run away. i have the cash, i haven't paid fees yet. i could just take off. sighhhhhhh. why is it i feel i can't care anymore. and i know that's bad cos i have so many responsibilities here, but i just can't care. i tried to sleep but the whole night i woke up in an empty room with the will only to drive a metal shard through my heart. i'm not being dramatic, that was what i wanted. i'm feel i'm dying inside. i feel so tired. sigh. i loved her so much. she asked me to let her go. does her happiness mean more than mine. yes. but this is what's going to kill me. i loved her so much godamnit. i loved her wtih all my heart. why the fuck are you so cruel to me God. bring her back to me. fuck you. see this is what i'm afraid of. that if i walk out i might just burst into tears. you've seen forgetting sarah marshal right? that guy is exactly how i was, how i am. so frustrated. what did i do wrong? she was my angel. and i spent everyday and every second caring for her. i appreciated her like god's gift to me. i showered her with love.. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh how can something hurt so muchhhhhh.. every memory is like a jolt of electricity running throught my fucking brain. help me.. someone please help me cos i dont think i can help myself right now. no one has ever made me cry this much. no one has ever touched me like she did. ahh god i feel like jamming a pen in my eye. fuck it. i'm not weak. i was never weak. not till her. somehow everything before her was forgotten, but it's coming back. maybe drinking is all i need. i quit smoking. i really don't wana smoke anymore. i gave it up for her. gahhhhhhhhh i wanted her. i wanted to be with her. i wanted love. maybe i wanted too much. no one really gets everything right. not wrong to dream still.. so i shall, i shall dream of us b. living together, in the house u dreamed of. where every morning you'll wake up to my kisses, and my words of i love you. where flowers that i've plucked would be greeting you in a vase on the table. our dog, Boris will be hopping all over you as you walk down the stairs. I'll hold you every morning telling you how i'm the happiest person in the world because i've found an angel. I'll hold you like i always do around your waist. Kiss you goodbye as i go off to work and when i return we'll sit in our hall talking about our day. and after dinner i'll carry you to our room and make love to you. kiss you from head to toe. breathing in your sweet smelling hair, suckling on your amazingly clean toes. your perfect long legs curled around me. i'm gonna miss all that, i'm gonna miss all of you, every part of you. while i still have that little bit of faith left in me, that you'll one day be mine again, i'll dream.. i'll pray.. i'll hope..