Memo To Self

STOP trying to rekindle old friendships with people who don't care! But then again how many times have i repeatedly told myself that. Incompetent, useless, hopeless; simpler said, Sucker! Wouldn't it be easier to just ignore since I'm incapable of hating. A damn cynic towards strangers and everyone else but a fucken optimist towards people who's gained my trust. Well, I have complete power of turning it all back, as much as I have control over time. Good thing I have a memory of a 3 year old. I'll draw on your walls. You can scold me all you want but after a few days, I'll be holding that color pencil to your wall againnn... Anyone can relate to that? No? Never mind!

Eppy Chinese New Year ah!

Eeeeeeeeee.... Happy Chinese New Year! My neighbours were blasting their songs. Well, it's actually considered Our songs, but since I don't speak chinese (as what people would say, "Banana". Yellow on the outside, and white on the inside) I find those Chinese New Year songs to be quite irritating. Sounds of "tong tong tong chang" were going on outside as me and my roomate rolled our eyes. She was actually asking me why I wasn't joining the racket out there. I proclaimed I'm the quiet kind of Chinese. Which she responded with a nodding of the head saying, "Not many of those nowadays,".

Was kind of missing my family back home. If I were in Malaysia right now, I'd be relaxing in my home town. Going around collecting Angpaos' (red packets). I would have had a haircut before new year and would have plenty of new clothes. On New Year's day everyone in my family would be wearing red. And after NY's eve dinner, we'd play firecrackers which we bought illegally from the chinese store(the uncle keeps everything in the back of the store). It was really cool buying it that way, cos it seemed like a scene from those shows where those gangsters were trying to get weapons or something. After playing firecrackers we would all sit down and gamble, trying to win each other's money. Guess I'll be missing out on that for another 5 more years! Not much complains though. The "tong tong tong chang" music is reminding me of what I don't have to go through back in Malaysia, where every mall and certain streets are playing the exact same thing. It's like banging my head with cymbals. "Tong Tong Tong CHANG!"

Yeah, you know..

You know you're ...

-Short. When you have to use a chair to assist you in taking your clothes from the cupboard. Everyday. Heck, duh! not like I can grow anymore at this point.

-Fat. When you sit in the middle of the tub and let the water run from the shower head and then later realise there's a pool of water behind you.

-Useless. When you mend a rip in your shirt and it immediately rips again when you wear it.

-Indolent. When most of the muscle aches you get are from sleeping too long in an awkward position.

-Couch potato. When most of the time your topic of conversations can somehow relate to tv shows or something a character from a tv show has done/said before And able to quote him/her word for word.

-Old. When your 4 year old Cousin starts calling you Aunty!!

-Vain. When you are willing to wear a really thin (but really stylish looking leather jacket!) outdoors when the temperature is -13 Celcius (and.. it's snowing) just to show it off. Vanity has it's price right? Yey!

-In Love. When you spend every second of the day wondering what your dearly beloved is doing; and walk into a pile of snow in the process.

For Life

The words in this lyrics "For Life" by Cliff Richard is really moving despite it's simplicity. For only you.


Where do I start
How do I find
A way to explain how
I'm feeling inside
These words could never be enough
To tell you just how much

I love you
With all that I am
And I need you
Please understand
From now on
Till the day that I die
You can be sure
That I'm in this love
For life

Dreams can come true
Just look at us
We've been given a chance from heaven above
With God's help we'll raise a family
And through the years you will see
I love you
More every day
I'll be with you every step of the way
From now on
Till the day that I die
You can be sure
That I'm in this love
For life

As the seasons change
Our love will remain strong
And I promise you
I promise you

I love you
More every day
I'll be with you
In the joy and the pain
From now on
Till the day that I die
You can be sure
That I'm in this love
For life
That I'm in this love
For life
That I'm in this love
For life

Me: Happy Valentine's Day, B.
B : Happy Valentine's Day, dear.

Me: Happy Valentine's Day, H.
H : Happy Valentine's Day, Justin Timberlake!
Me: *lifts eyebrow.. .........
H : LALALALA *all dreamy eyed.
Me: ......

H was watching JT's live videos on YouTube yesterday and hopping on her seat. Watched his new video of "What Goes Around, Comes Around.." and apparently according to him if you cheat on him, you deserve to die.. "...." . And what's with the dialogue/drama in that video?! I know you're trying to break it through the acting business but dude, it's a music video..There don't gotta be so much lip flipping in this here thing..(k, B got me talking ghetto.. or at least trying to.. LOL)

Made a lame joke yesterday which i think no one got. Well that's what lame is right.. hehe.. Was snowing the whole day so i asked N, "Hey, if snow is white, and it's making everything else white, how come my shoes are getting black?". Okay, she did laugh.. but also gave me a long explanation on my shoes. *slaps forehead*. No one gets me sometimes. So i took a big chunk of snow and threw it on her and ran off. Muahahah.. Take that!

Not really feeling well today. Woke up in the middle of the night with this bizzare feeling. I think my internal organs were playing native drums or something. H and I weren't sure if it was yesterday's tuna that caused this musical, so we decided to test it out by eating more of it today. Smart hurh? Feeling slightly giddy now. Think I need to lie down..I want my baby!!

Evergreen

A year and four months. No I'm not talking bout a baby.. It's our anniversary today and I'd just like to announce that we're still happy. Still strong. Still very much in love. Still confident. Still realistic. And ever more loving. We've learnt that even though life may be cruel and sometimes painful, knowing that we have each other is enough to make Our world spin around one passionate kiss at a time. We're not naive. We've found that source of strength that everyone seeks for, but seldom find. You're my saviour, You're my angel, and You're perfect in my eyes. Happy Anniversary, Darling. I know there'll be many more years to come. Love You With All My Heart.

Enlightening

B and I were talking bout physical examinations that day and little did she know of what a gynecologist would do during an exam. And as I was running throught it with her, I could see her face scrunching up even more with every detail. Hehe. So I went online a few days later to find out for more information on the subject, hoping I can freak her out a bit more. Weeee!

• An exam usually begins with your doctor or nurse taking your blood pressure, weight, and pulse. You should always tell your doctor or nurse when the first day of your last period was and if you are having any problems (Okay, for any first timer, they'd probably be sitting there dangling their feet off the examination table, looking around white clean walls of the room while the doctor goes out for awhile, and smiling to themselves thinking, "Oooh, this isn't so bad." Muahaahhaah..)
• Your doctor will listen to your heart and lungs, check your breasts for any changes or lumps, and palpitate your abdominal area for any irregularities. A reliable examination of your breasts should take approximately 30 seconds per breast. (Erm..okay.. the worse and humiliating part is over right?)
• Your doctor may also want to conduct a pelvic exam, which involves feeling and looking at the inside of the vagina. (He may wanna WHAT?!?)
• To conduct a pelvic exam, you will be asked to lie back on the examination table and put your feet in the stirrups. With your legs secure in the stirrups and your knees spread apart, a metal or plastic speculum will be inserted into your vagina. This device allows your doctor to get a better view of the inside of your vagina and the cervix (located at the back of the vagina) to conduct an examination and to perform a Pap smear. (Peering INTO my vagina?!?! *Eeeeee* I hear screams from people around me) For those of who doesn't know what a pap smear is, it's a gentle scraping of the loose cells at the opening of the cervix. A long cotton swab is inserted and brushed against your cervix.
• After the Pap smear is finished, your healthcare provider will insert a gloved finger into your vagina while feeling your lower abdomen with his or her other hand to note the size, shape, and movement of your uterus. Your doctor may also want to insert his or her finger in your anus to check the health of your rectum. Your doctor may also want to do an anal Pap smear to examine the cells that line the rectum. This is because women who have abnormal cervical Pap smears can also have abnormal anal Pap smears.

After I briefly told B, what to expect during the physical examination, she has officially asked me to be her gynecologist and I've agreed although I'm planning to specialize in Paediatrics. Would be interesting to try something new. But all I can say is I can't promise you that during the examination I won't possibly be feeling slightly frisky which would cause the procedure to take a different course. Though maybe you would be more satisfied with the way I conduct it. If you know what I mean.Hehe.Gosh, so many mental images in my head now. B... Quick! Set a date for the appointment!

The L word

Another boring day. Which is actually as good as any because tomorrow, my second semester begins. Bugger! And it looks like the the temperature is dropping again. Damn weather. Depressing seeing white all the time. I remember going to the park last year and the only colors i saw were blue and white. Blue being the sky and white is well, pretty much everything else.

Watched the L word again today, even though I've already watched it with B yesterday. See, I told you I'd always watch it twice, dear. Have this habit of watching the episodes more than once. (If Sarah Shahi was in it I'd prob. watch it even more.. hehehe.. don't take it seriously B.. mwahx) Darn shame though she's not in it anymore. Made a great couple, Shane and Carmen. I read rumours that she actually got fired, or she quit; something or other but fear not, Fans of Carmen, she'll be making an appearance on few of the coming episodes and we shall all rejoice then!

Not really in the mood to depart knowledge(not that I do) or to write out stuff now. If I spoke this instant, it would prob. sound like all the adults in the Charlie Brown's cartoon (kua kua, kua Kua Kua kua) so I Am in the mood for posting up pictures though.. enjoy..

this is my all time fav (B, this will be u and me one day)

I want you to want me, the way that I want you.....

Where the hell did all those pictures of Shane in that underwear go?!?!? Fuck, I got so tired of searching and my main key words were Shane, underwear and Hugo and I kept typing that over and over till I'm chanting those words now and panting like like a damn dehydrated dog.. Shane..Underwear..Hugo..Shane..Underwear..Hugo.. See! I can't stop! The last time I browsed there were bladdy plenty of those pictures.. And the crappy thing is I didnt even want this picture for myself. I wanted to put this pic up for B (better appreciate it,dear!)

Oh yea, and this pic too! Though she looks a little old here with those bags under her eyes.. Anyway I've put those up for B, so I could put a little one for myself. *Grins..

What a finale! B, don't be mad k? Look, I've even made it smaller *teehee.. And NO she's not my midnight fantasy girl... ...... You Are my sweet, sayang.. mwahxx.. Love YOU!

p.s.: the girlfriend is very very the merajuk d laaaaa.. XP Hmph!!!

Itchy and Scratchy

Ahhh.. What a lazy day today. Sat down in front of my laptop, reading other people's blog the whole day! It's addictive! I can't help it! I usually read the first blog I come across, but today I decided to search for old, long lost friends which I've definitely fallen out of touch with. Just curious on what they're up to and how's life treating them. Same old, same old I guess. Though can't help but feel that the lot of them has just gone 'bitchier'. Doesn't affect me.. *sniggers.

Damn it, my bed has bed bugs. Don't get too freaked out by this okay! It's considered quite normal since the mattresses provided by the hostel are all old and lumpy too I might add. There Are new ones as well, but I'm wasn't as fortunate as my roomate in getting one. (I think the staff of the hostel likes her by the way. She's a woman I might add. Who's idol is Shahrukh Khan. And she his poster up all over her walls..-_- Anyway, back to the beg bugs. Yea, I've been getting bites all over and there was once it bit me on the arm and i spent the next 3 days having an extra bicep, which was actually really cool! Wanted my roomate to take a picture of me making a muscle but she gave me that 'wtf' look so okayyy... hrmph. My right foot became the lastest victim of those damn bed bugs, and is now red, and looks like breasts (it got bitten twice and it's swollen) and has two bite marks which compensates as nipples. *does the Russian dance* HEY! Damn bites are friggin' itchy!! ARGH!! I'm trying my utter most best to not scratch it. I've put Tiger Balm (ointment) on it and it didn't work. Slowly I felt my fingers just reaching out to my foot and I resisted but alas! Gawd, scratching it feels sooo good, it probably beats getting an orgasm..... Nah! HeHe.. After a good few minutes of scratching with my fingers I figured that my nails would probably cause internal bleeding on my foot so I used a pen and that didn't work too well either cos it doesn't cover as much surface when scratching.. (am i grossing u out?) Finally, I decided that I should stop all this scratching nonsense and come up with a better idea. So I soaked a small towel with extremely cold water and placed it on my foot and it felt really good.... for bout ten minutes. After that I started using the towel to scrub my foot vigorously instead, and That my fren.. Is better than having an orgasm.. LOL! I'm really a hopeless nutcase aren't I.. ;p

A Babbling Fool's Work

Winter holidays really hasn't really gotten me anywhere. Partly because my supposed 'leisured days' started a little later as compared to other groups. Not about to go into details as in why it all happened. As they say, it's a long story. But hey, thinking about it, my holidays weren't as bad as I thought it was. I managed to explore alot of new venues, did more shopping that i've done in the past year, and of course, spend quite an agreeable amount of time with B (my life revolves around her.. if you haven't already noticed that, this will probably enlighten you then). But 2 weeks has come and gone so fast that I can't help but wonder about going home already. I miss home, don't get me wrong. But few weeks before coming here, my mum discovered something bout me that made her go berserk. I'm gay! Yeah, she caught on. How i constantly kept going out to see B, how I spoke of her till my lips got numb how I kept my door locked so often(chatting with B) and how the phone bill rocketed sky high. She made me break up with B (okay so i didn't exactly do that and i'm guilty, but heck call me selfish but I want my happiness okay!), she made me promise to change, she made me broken hearted and depressed I cried for days (and nights) and I would be all that still but I still have B with me. I pray I always will. Alright, honestly speaking, I didn't plan on writing about this. I guess it's always just been at the back of my head. It's the fear, the paranoia, the hatred and love, the hope, the faith and everything else that makes the world spin and makes the people in it spin their heads around trying to find a simpler solution to life, love and living it all. Hopefully after this, I'll be able to put most of my concerns on this matter behind me. Onward to a better tomorrow! *closes eyes and clenches fists and wishes really hard* Fuck!

Dedicated to My Bandit Baby

May this post make it clear that B, belongs only to me by command of 'the powers that be'. Give not my heart back, as long as much love is showered upon it.


Like a thief you came
Crept silently in the dark
And right when i wasn't looking
You stole my heart

But angels somehow found you
As they turned you in
You stood in front of court
Repented of your sin

But nothing goes unpunished
And as God made it be
That your sentence is for life
To be by me for eternity

Would have to say though, you're one hell of a good looking thief. Plus you look really hot in black. You know which shirt in particular I'm talking bout. Darn, getting 'high' just thinking bout it.. my sexay thang..mwahx..

Blog Drama

Just deleted a post today. It's contents made B a little uneasy and well, I suppose it was best deleted. She read my blog after I went to bed yesterday, and got upset and proceeded on writing on Her blog which I read this morning and got upset about. Sigh.. took a while to clear everything up. Blogging can sometimes be detrimental I tell ya.. =p just glad everything's alright now B.. =) mwahx..

How Bout 'Ecstatictoes' ?

Well I'll be darned, smack my ass and call me J.Lo. I was actually Googling for myself (okay, I Am that bored. It's the holidays and I've absolutely nothing to do) and I found out that someone else has the same blog address as me. Slightly different by one character but same nontheless. I mean, what are the odds of picking out a name similiar to someone elses. So I sat here with my thinking cap on and figured that, there's a possibiliy that there's so many blogs out there that if you type in any word or name, and search for it, someone's blog would appear. So i experimented..... And failed. Seems no one has 'retardedheart', 'invalidmind', or 'lostbrokenheartedsouls' as their address. Yea, sorry I couldn't come up with anything better to search for. I just woke up after a 12 hour sleep and have yet to brush my teeth. Pure laziness in everything but this.. *Screams out to roomate, "Are you proud of me, H?" .. Yea, she's proud.. *Grins!

Where Is The Love

Didn't go out today as my 'sprafka' (a piece of paper that's used to temporarily replace my passport as mine has been sent out for visa) has expired. Much too lazy to renew it at the Uni so I've decided to just hibernate in my room. Woke up today realising that I didnt change my sleeping position the whole night long. Reason for that would be because it's that time of the month for me and tossing around in bed would just make me feel uncomfortable wondering if the position i'm in would create any art decorations on my sheets. Tell me one good thing that comes out of my uterus crying every once a month besides the fact that I get cramps and it gives me a plausible excuse for skipping whatever activities I wish to run away from. Anyhoo, enough talk about that. Watched this show on peekvid called Appleseed. From the second Deunan came out with her weapon fighting off these cyborgs with her Tomb Raider stunts it just totally blew me away. I was literally placing my face inches away from the screen. Over all the animation was superb and the action was enough to keep my butt planted on the seat throughout the entire show. Only dissapointment was that Deunan and Hitomi didn't get it on which they soo should have. I felt the way they connected, the way they stared at each other... or maybe it was just what i secretly wanted.LOL. But only later on did I find out why. You see, Hitomi is a Bioroid;genetically engineered human and is incapable of certain human emotions such as jealousy and Love... ohh the horror... I bet Deunan could have taught her a thing or two bout Love.. *squiggles eyebrows and grins like a hot dog's vertically wedged in my mouth. Googled for the movie after watching it and look what I got.

That's Deunan. A soldier, blond short hair, muscular, is extremely beautiful and has the perfect body.

This is Hitomi. Bioroid, black short hair, and constantly comments on Deunan's looks.

Isn't she cool?! I already have her as my wallpaper!

Oh well, she'll be my obsession in the mean time, till i find something else to drool over.. Which wouldn't take too long. Hehe.

Here We Go

Whoah.. Been thinking about starting a blog for quite some time now, and i finally did it. Somehow i've always managed to come up with excuses but this time, I guess boredom got the best of me and well Here We Go...