to love and be loved

by no one else, but you. for all those moments where u pulled me down and soared me to the skies. i could fly, i could float, i could walk on water, i could be the world. we were the world. every hunger deep down inside, fullfilled with just one look of you. the wonder of you. the wonder of you. love in every true meaning of it. touched me so deep, i couldn't breathe at times, it was on the brim of choking, yet i was trying to take it all in. getting everything i could at every second, and it was pure bliss like being in a that one true place of fantasy you could only imagine in your dreams.

loneliness is a bitch

you know that feeling you get.. when u're with a crowd, but u still feel really alone.. u're into the conversation, and u fit in just right, but still, they seem like they don't get you.. something's not right. that emptiness, that nothingness you feel when u get back home.. when u lie alone in ur bed.. i used to have all that feelings, no different from right now.. but at least i went back to someone.. i lay in bed knowing that there was someone out there who cared.. who loved me.. now.. it's just nothing.. it's just me.. one and only, The Lonely..

out of service

i'm not going to write in here for awhile. i dont feel like speaking out loud.

email add is there..

A time for moderation and balance. Sometimes the best thing to do is to wait. Patience. The need to step back and let things happen.

remember

remember the times, remember the memories, remember how we were, remember the feelings, remember the love.. remember us..

tired of life

money has always been a problem for me.. i dont think anyone understands this. i'm not rich, and my mother has always been one good example for me in ways to save and to not waste away money on things that we dont' need. sad to say i've followed in that example to the point that i dont buy anything at all. not for myself, not for other people, not for anyone. one thing i've dared not ask for my mum, is always money. money money... root of all evil and now its gotten me in a tangle with my mum who now refuses to talk to me and wants to cry in her pillow. i feel like such an idiot sometimes. i never tell them the truth at times. at times, i dont eat just to save money. yes, i dont eat, i know i will get sick this way, but in order to just have enough money for the month, i do that. that's not even to save aside! that's just so i can still survive so i wont have to ask for money from them. they can provide, i know they can. but everytime i ask them for money , it hurts me so much. does it sound like i'm suffering? sigh i dont know. maybe i am. maybe that's just how i am. i'm a very simple type of person. but sometimes it does get to me and just get frustrated because i dont know what to do. get a job here? it's illegal, you're not allowed to do business of any sort, there's the language barrier, and i have friggin no time to take a job because of my study time. so i generate money, by cooking and selling stuff to other students when i'm in need of cash.

but sometimes my frustration gets to me and that's when i get it. that's when it comes back to me because as i was talking to my grandparents, i dont know why i told them i dare not ask my mum for money. which indirectly makes my mum look bad and that's when my double dose of heacache came. i care not to go into futhur details from here, because i'm so sick and tired of life that all i wanna do now is lie down.. crying over her, crying over my mum, crying over my family, crying over money.. just fucking tired of all this.. i just wanna pray that when i sleep, i wont wake up anymore.. it's easier that way. problems problems.. sighh

btw, my mum rarely uses the word fuck on me, so when she does, i know she means it..

wat the fuck la

so fucking mad right now. stop putting yourself down on everything. who fucking cares what your parents think. you have your own family. don't you even know how to stand up for yourself to them. you know what's right and you know me. you damn well know me. grandparents are a bunch of people who will worry for no reason about their grandchild okay!! duhh!! so do you wanna believe everything they say and put yourself down and say you're useless and you torture your children. why? there is an explanation to everything. and this time it's call MISUNDERSTANDING! all i said is what i said, they took it the wrong way, and they call you to tell them what they think is right and you believe them, you hit yourself to the ground and then u shout at me when i'm trying to tell you what happened.. why are you so insecure with yourself that you have to put yourself down like that. you know us.. your children.. you know ur parents.. you know ur dad.. then why oh why would you take this so personally. i really regret talking to my grandparents, i regret doing everything i ever did, and i really am sorry.. K?!!

i hate my life..

hate feeling like shit every morning.. couldnt' sleep again

m tryin so hard to keep myself occupied.. so i'm solving the rubik's cube again and again.. if i stop.. i'll break down and just bawl..
-------------
bck in msia i've already found the perfect way to get to london, i have a feeling she didnt believe me then when i said i was going. i even asked her about it. keeping myself occupied on finding the perfect date to go so it'll be cheaper.. think i found it..

is it my fault? did i do something wrong? wasn't i trying to change? wasn't i trying to do more?

i'm trying so hard.. through this pain and tears, i'm not going to give up.. i'm gonna keep on fighting for us.. because it's worth everything i have to give. You're worth everything i have to give.. ='( even if i die trying..

Dreams come true
Everyone says so, but I can’t see it
Dreams come true
There are times when I can’t say that myself
Dreams come true
There are times when no matter how much I believe, it doesn’t work out
And when I try, your voice makes me sad
Dreams come true
Surely the time will come when I can say that?

Everyone gets up like that, and questions things
But still, we don’t give up, we keep walking towards the future

Everyone gets up like that, and questions things
But still, we don’t give up, we keep walking towards the future

WHAT SHOULD I DO.. SOMEONE PLS HELP ME.. WHAT SHOULD I DO.. I HATE THAT I CRY SO MUCH.. I HATE THAT I CAN'T FLY TO HER RIGHT NOW AND TELL HER HOW I FEEL. I HATE THAT I DONT HAVE MONEY THAT I EVEN HAVE TO COOK AND SELL STUFF JUST TO BREAK EVEN.. I HATE CRYING.. I HATE THIS.. I HATE EVERYTHING...

but you..

='(

it's pathetic, that my mornings are awaken to have conversations with you. it's just that, no one else understands me. still a damn headache that's about to implode in my head. when wil it ever stop. i slept for more than 12 hours and i'm still exhausted, with this excruciating pain that won't go away. i decided to skip lectures. i can't concentrate anyway. i find it so hard to breathe sometimes. i even have to hide my phone, just to stop myself from messaging her. makes me feel like an addict. gawd, i'm so addicted to her. i'm trying to respect her wishes, but how much more of this can i take. it's taking everything that i have. all the energy in me, just to live. and it's doing anything but making me live. i have only 3 years left on my side before i'm done with all this studying and we've been through so much. why... please tell me why..

dont lose hope

she really ended things with me. i'm not even allowed to message her or talk to her anymore. the truth always hurts more. speaking the truth out loud is even more painful. so i'm not going to do that here. i'm not going to say what i think, merely how i feel. and how i feel, frankly is fucking crappy. PAIN.. PAIN.. DOES THAT REGISTER IN YOUR F'KG HEAD!! i get so messed up in situations like this. my emotions are hay wire. i sit down and burst into tears all of a sudden, or i talk to someone and i bladdy hell just snap at them. i try to smile, but i'm too tired to pretend it's all okay. i can't sleep. and when i do i get this spasms, and i just hit everything cause i'm so fucking frustrated and when i try to calm myself down to fall asleep, all i can think of is jamming a pen into my heart because it's aching.. literally aching. maybe cos my heart's not there. sigh. but i've made a choice bout something a long time ago, and i'm still gonna go for it. hope gets us far right. hope has brought me so much. and that's one thing i'm not going to give up on...

i pray that when you find yourself.. you wont let anything stand in your way of what you want, not even yourself.

Hope

i just had to put this up. this is the most beautiful and touching thing that i've ever seen. i don't know why, it just touches me so deep inside. maybe .. just maybe we can all have a fairy tale ending. i see this, and i know.. nothing comes easy, but through it all, if we fight for what we really want, maybe, just maybe....

ps: this is for u b. i know u'll like this too.. love u for always.. mwhx

feel like writing out what's happened, and what's to be.. but i rather not think about it. for the best i guess. like she said, we're like this couple, who's time is just not right yet. we're friggin perfect for each other, we're like two peas in a pod, but where we are right now, it's just making it difficult for us. she prefers to not be together, to avoid thinking or planning our future. i on the other hand have already had in mind what i want it to be. it's a dream.. for me, still a dream i wanna make happen.. and it'll come true.. cos you and me, b.. there's no denying our love. it's so clear to see.. we can't live without each other.. so for now, i'll settle for being your best friend.. we'll still be lovey dovey from time to time, but like you said, no thinking bout anything.. for now.. we'll try to keep it mellow for now. other people might not get it.. but i do.. i know what she wants.. and it hurts either way, but through it all b, you gotta remember.. you'll wake up every morning still, knowing that i'm yours.. and i'll always be.. love you for life.. my angel..

We were as one
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine
Now you want to be free
So I'll let you fly
Cause I know in my heart
Our love will never die

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you cant escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're ever gonna shake me
Oh darling, cause you'll always be my baby

I ain't gonna cry
And I won't beg you to stay
If you're determined to leave girl
I will not stand in your way
But inevitably, you'll be back again
Cause you know in your heart babe
Our love will never end

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you cant escape me
Ooh darling cause youll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time cant erase a feeling this strong
No way youre ever gonna shake me
Oh darling, cause you'll always be my baby

I know that you'll be back girl
When your days and your nights get a little bit colder
I know that you'll be right back baby
Oh baby believe me it's only a matter of time

You'll always be a part of me
Im part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're ever gonna shake me
Oh darling, cause you'll always be my baby

i can feel a change in myself already. will it take over me completely or is this a phase. only time will tell, only time will heal right? already i feel alone. already i feel so out of place. so uncomfortable with everything. i feel so foreign in this place, my own room, my own body. I know i'll be ok. I wont die, though i do feel like dying inside right now. sad to say i feel you're the only thing i can talk to right now without the fear of being judged, or scolded or resented. i can hardly open my eyes, i try not to. my tears will just keep flowing. if i'm to be alone without you, then i will be alone completely. what's the purpose of mixing with others and pretending to be happy when you know that only one person that makes you happy. i can't do that. i know she can. of course i'll pray everyday she'll come back to me. she'll decide that she can't do this. but i know her, no matter how hard it is for her, she'll fight it, she die trying to be without me just to prove that she can. i know in time what will happen if this goes on but perhaps its best not to say it out loud. i can still look to the skies and pray she'll come back to me. shit, so fucking hard to type with my eyes keep blurring out. i seem so pathetic don't i. i'm not like that you know. it's just, with her, she was my weak spot. my weakest.. i get pissed if anyone says anything about her, i get so down when she's blue, and i'm the happiest person in the world when she laughs. sometimes i feel i resemble a lost puppy. she took me in, took care of me, and loved me. it's just that now she realises that it's too much for her and she's kicking out. i think too much. didn't occur to me till now. i used to be like that, before i met her and during the beginning of our relationship. she used to tell me that all the time too. i think too much. i worry too much. fuck that it's starting to come back to me. i talk to myself alot too. had no one else to talk to. even if i did, i don't know how to. words just don't seem to come out as easy with anyone else. sometimes its more formal. i dont wanna fucking cry, somehow that's all i do. if i let myself be, i know all the memories of us will just flood back and i'll die crying. how can i be so stupid to think that someone like her could actually be mine forever. seems like such a foolish dream now. i couldn't be there for her, physically. all this feelings of hurt and pain and anger and confusion is just, so much to handle right now. i miss her so much. and i feel everytime i sms her to just tell all this, it's not something she wants me to do. i'm fucking starting to be sceptical again. i hate that. i'm starting to resent everything again. i don't wanna live like that. but the thing is i dont know how to feel anymore. i dont know what i'm suppose to feel. i dont know if i should just lie to myself and be strong, i dont know if i should be angry with life, i don't know if moping and sulking would make me feel better, i dont know anythign anymore. i dont know.. i feel so lost in a fucking pitched black world. i think i'll feel safe in this room. then again i pray that when i step out, something would hit me and i'd die. wouldn't it be easier. i am hating happy people right now. i don't want to be around couples, if you know what i mean. but i guess i'm stuck with that right. i don't want to be around people for that matter. just leave me alone. maybe i should run away. i have the cash, i haven't paid fees yet. i could just take off. sighhhhhhh. why is it i feel i can't care anymore. and i know that's bad cos i have so many responsibilities here, but i just can't care. i tried to sleep but the whole night i woke up in an empty room with the will only to drive a metal shard through my heart. i'm not being dramatic, that was what i wanted. i'm feel i'm dying inside. i feel so tired. sigh. i loved her so much. she asked me to let her go. does her happiness mean more than mine. yes. but this is what's going to kill me. i loved her so much godamnit. i loved her wtih all my heart. why the fuck are you so cruel to me God. bring her back to me. fuck you. see this is what i'm afraid of. that if i walk out i might just burst into tears. you've seen forgetting sarah marshal right? that guy is exactly how i was, how i am. so frustrated. what did i do wrong? she was my angel. and i spent everyday and every second caring for her. i appreciated her like god's gift to me. i showered her with love.. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh how can something hurt so muchhhhhh.. every memory is like a jolt of electricity running throught my fucking brain. help me.. someone please help me cos i dont think i can help myself right now. no one has ever made me cry this much. no one has ever touched me like she did. ahh god i feel like jamming a pen in my eye. fuck it. i'm not weak. i was never weak. not till her. somehow everything before her was forgotten, but it's coming back. maybe drinking is all i need. i quit smoking. i really don't wana smoke anymore. i gave it up for her. gahhhhhhhhh i wanted her. i wanted to be with her. i wanted love. maybe i wanted too much. no one really gets everything right. not wrong to dream still.. so i shall, i shall dream of us b. living together, in the house u dreamed of. where every morning you'll wake up to my kisses, and my words of i love you. where flowers that i've plucked would be greeting you in a vase on the table. our dog, Boris will be hopping all over you as you walk down the stairs. I'll hold you every morning telling you how i'm the happiest person in the world because i've found an angel. I'll hold you like i always do around your waist. Kiss you goodbye as i go off to work and when i return we'll sit in our hall talking about our day. and after dinner i'll carry you to our room and make love to you. kiss you from head to toe. breathing in your sweet smelling hair, suckling on your amazingly clean toes. your perfect long legs curled around me. i'm gonna miss all that, i'm gonna miss all of you, every part of you. while i still have that little bit of faith left in me, that you'll one day be mine again, i'll dream.. i'll pray.. i'll hope..

For mum

I hope you know, you're the world to me. There's no one else that can replace you. I dont say it just because, but i do mean it.. You're the world's best mum. I cry when i think i have to part with you. I see how you love us unconditionally, and i say if often but it's still not enough. Ma, i love you. There are no words to say, no position to place you, because you're the queen of my heart. I pray one day you'll see, me love you mummy. *runs to mummy and hugs.. damn, i know i'm gonna cry later at the airport.. =(

Well, heading back to Moscow tomorrow morning. It's like a death sentence. Finally packed everything. I hope the weight on my luggages are okay. Was praying i could talk to b. She's the only one who can take away this nervous feelings of mine.Mum is sleeping =/ Kept calling her, but i think she's already at her friend's place. Again she didnt tell me she was already going. She hates reporting to me, she says.
Feeling so down right now. It's the 4th time leaving. Can that be right? How time flies. Keep praying you'll call me. That you'll be thinking of me, so maybe you'll message me and tell me you miss me. Anything to cheer me up!! Getting bouts of stomach ache again. Argh, pray this doesn't happen during the flight. I'm leavinggggggggg... I'm leaving in a few hours, and i all i wanna do now is talk to you... where r u.. =(

I've never felt happier, more alive, more comfortable and at home than when im with you.. sometimes i just dont know how else to say it, and i pray that i'm with you, you can see, thru my actions, my gestures, how much i love you. i promise you, you're the only one. and with you, i just wanna be the most caring, most loyal, lovable, sweetest thing you've ever known in the world, because that's what you are to me.. i love you my darling angel.. always will..