A dreamer's thoughts.

Sometimes I wonder the type of person I want to be. I don't think it's ever to late to keep wondering that even if you're well aged. People can change in an instant. It all depends on what they want. So like I said. I sit and wonder what type of person I want to be.

I've always thought of myself as a person who would just be satisfied with the simplicity of life. Living on a stable salary and just as long as I am able to do the things that I need, I would in fact be contented.

But in a way, me having that sort of mind set would very well be, or might be the one thing holding me back. Of course, everyone would say, aim high. And that seems like the most sensible thing.

I guess my question for now would be.. How high do I aim? 

A meet up with The Ex.

I don't know what I thought was gonna happen. Or maybe, I just had a fantasy played in my mind but never expected to act it out.

The ex is back from Moscow, and invited me out for a meet up. Which I of course agreed, because "I'm mature enough to handle it". 

I think I was a jumbled mess and mix of emotions. I was sweet, and caring. Then angry, being snide and was partly a jerk with comebacks like knives of steel. Then I was flirtatious and charming. 

I was starting to regret ever agreeing to this. 

I honestly thought I was able to control myself and be the adult here. I know what I want. And I was so sure she wasn't what i wanted anymore. But feelings rush back. Memories.. oh such sweet memories. The ever so cliche.. it felt right being with her. Having her by my side. The accidental bumps while walking side by side. The grasping of my arm while being excited about something. The brushing of hands. 

I tried so hard to not make an advance, knowing well she was doing the same. 

Night came, and I had to send her back home. Sitting in a parked car, I questioned her for explanations on how she could let us go. Why she did the things she did. 

With how unsure she is of herself, I'm so convinced that this is not what I want in a partner. Yet, every fragment of me was falling apart as I tried not to grasp her hand, lean in and kissed her. PURE. TORTURE. 

Gawd I wanted her. How I missed her. Her cousin came out from the apartment to call her in. She leaned in for a hug and I kissed her not wanting to regret this later. She panicked, hoping her cousin wouldn't see, and I wasn't sure if I made a mistake. 

Her message came after I drove off. 

"Why did you do that so last minute? =( " 

I don't wanna this to be just a one time thing, just because we let our emotions and memories play us back. But maybe this is exactly what this is. 

I feel my heart asking.. "Are you really ready for Round Two?" 

*Gulp*