This is for you

But you'll never know anyway.
You'll never how i was trying to get through to you.
I gave up a long time ago.
But I still think about it sometimes.

Fitness. It's a sport.

Day 27 of Insanity

Tomorrow will mark the end of my one month Insanity project. Unfortunately, I have yet to take a 'before' shot of my body, though I Can feel/see the difference in my arm, calf and abdominal region. Of course, this is just to improve my fitness as I'm playing two sports for intervarsity but I'm sorta hoping for an appearance of a certain muscle group at my midriff.

I actually came to a point where I've stopped cursing my lungs out in between panting like a dog at him and started concentrating on, as he says 'Finishing Strong'.

Was browsing through some of Shaun T's other workouts and came across Asylum.





Insane? Nope. We're already done. Or midway at least. This is Asylum. If you really want a challenge. This is where you belong. Right here. Push your way through fitness.

Are you game?

Can't quite get my mind settled in this pathetic demonstration/display of hope over experience. It is human to err. But i can't help feeling like the cat who's temporarily staying in my room. Being whacked and scolded for the umpteenth for putting it's head down my cup in hopes it will one day be allowed to drink water from the human's vessel.
Let this not be a mistake.
Hoping that each time we try, it'll be a change.

Insanity Workout Day 1

I'm into my final semester, after 7 years of studying here in Russia. My trip was one i would truly remember. Of course the snow and cold had alot to do with it, but mostly focused on the food and the wonders i've seen.

More on that later on as i feel the urge to write about my new project. Insanity Workout. Produced by the same company as P90X but it differs in the intensity. With a high cardio regime I, as of today began what would be my 2 month Insanity Workout Project. Praying for the following:
1- That i stay committed. 6 days a week.
2- Control food intake as much as i can. Since i'm not exactly on the heavy side, i think cutting down on calories isn't such a good idea. But all the same, no junk food, less sugar, fast food, and oily stuff.
3- That i push myself even when it gets hard. Sunday was set as a rest day in the program but my Sundays are booked with Uni Training of Futsal and Hockey. Ai ya yai.
4- That at the end of this 2 months I would be able to stare myself at a mirror, see results and be satisfied.

Never Sacrifice Form.
Quality over Quantity.
Commitment and Discipline.

3 things i keep repeating in my head today. Today just as a starter, we're suppose to do a fitness test which i was surprisingly was able to keep up to. Set my borders and markers and tomorrow the real shit begins. My thighs and back muscles have been aching from last Sunday's training, but i'm willing to push myself furthur.

DONT LIMIT YOURSELF.

i believe the human body is built to withstand alot more than the expected.

Will try to update on my progress.

Wish me luck.

That's Russia for you

I'm sitting in my room that's just a pile of mess, trying to study but the fact that my home is all wrapped up in garbage bags brings on a slightly depressing mood. Best part of all, i'm in the midst of my exam period with 3 days left to go. My neighbour has given up all hope of studying and is blasting music with a bass so loud that the pots i have chucked into my fridge is vibrating.

That's Russia for you. Forcing you to leave your home at their fancy just do to rewiring. I'm in my final year. Apparently this can't wait till summer when i've left for good. Giving me a fucking headache. Sucks ass big time.

Last night's drama has left me with what i diagnosed as frostbite on the superficial surface of my ear. It's has been swollen for about, almost 24 hours now with no signs of it getting any better. To add on the pain is finding this guy in Tt's room where i was suppose to sleep at. Fuck it. I don't need any more complications or drama in my life. I rather just sit by myself, cos i've came to realise that's when i'm the happiest. I never let myself down. Just me and a bit of Mary J. always does the trick.

Leaving for my trip in 5 days. I had to pack for both my stay out of my room, and my trip. Praying that i didnt leave anything out. There's no turning back once they start the rewiring.

Why is it, that everyone here is so fucked up? I yearn for someone interesting who isn't psychologically impaired. Getting a fucking headache just thinking bout it.

6 more months. Sabar la.

study break

Well, it's been almost 2 weeks since the sem ended and study break began. It's only been today that i started making any sort of progress for my Surgery State Exam. I have zero motivation. I'm driving on guilt here! I've been watching so many movies, I can't quite keep up. Sitting in my room, I really haven't been going out much other than the one time, to have some Korean cuisine. I'm basically running out of food and I'm scraping every last source i have, and just being innovative with my meals. I'm not putting on any weight, nor am i losing any and i tend to get restless when i don't get out much (reasons to not go out, is so i wouldn't have to spend money, though i'm itching to shop for.. anything.. ). So i've been pushing myself to exercise. Hard to work on cardio when it's cold and snowy outside, and I lack space in my room to do anything other than a jumping jack or running on a spot.

I hate facing the fact that i used to be alot fitter last time. I started lifting weights and doing regular pushups everyday when i was 13. I used to be able to do at least 20 at a go when i first started. And now i can't seem to go past 10. My body is getting older. I'm reminded everytime my knee cries out after a certain amount of squats. I do worry that when i start working, i wouldn't have time to exercise and my muscles will probably degenerate and i'll be left all flabby. Bwahhh. Gawd, i can be so vain sometimes.

I had a change in my hairstyle. I think i do that everytime i'm bored. I always feel like i need a change. So i shaved my sides and just had the mid trimmed. I'm still hooked on the idea of going bald. I probably would, if i didn't have any oral examinations to sit for. Bad impressions, cut marks. i wish i was a rock star instead.

(ouch i think i just hurt my Achilles tendon by jumping around)

i gotta watch myself. too old for this shit.

On his birthday, my friend took me to this club called Propaganda which had gay sunday nights. Wasn't really in the mood for a night out but I did want to check out the scene there since it's been raved about by other foreigners who has visited Moscow for the night life. Unfortunately, I failed to see what all the fuss was about. It was overcrowded, dirty and the music was so horrendous I spent most of my time just staring into space waiting for my friend to give up and go home. I can't for the life of me understand how the people there that day could just stand, bouncing their asses in the same spot, to the same bass tempo the entire night.

Yeap. What their DJ's considered music, to me was just the same bladdy bass beat interfered with snippets of other songs and then it's back to the same thing. So i stood there, against a pillar, stagnant, refusing to participate with the rest as a sign of protest, watching the disturbing videos they had displayed of bunnies fucking and multiplying, and zombie teddies launching themselves towards the camera. Yeah it was all just very.. sick.

I think the only thing that saved me from just flopping down to the ground out of boredom and wishing i had a knife to plunge into my stomach, were the elderly gentlemen on the dance floor, doing all sorts of nasty things to the younger guys there. I could do with grinding, and the touching, that's all so lah-dee-dah to me. But when you tug someone's pants down, and start rimming his asshole. Well, guys.. now that's a party. Yea, i'm a voyeur. I like that I have been to Amsterdam and watched a live sex show, and like that the old geezer was putting his hands down everyone's pants and giving a good rub. That kept me entertained for like the next 15 mins before i got bored again.

Fortunately, my friend gave up right after. So we left the club, and just aimlessly walked around the streets of Moscow. Winter has been shy so far, that made for a great weather to walk about in the wee hours of the morning.

I'll miss this place. Another 6 more months and i'd be out of here for good. Geez. 7 freaking years. Still can't get over that.

Damn.

Bolshoi

All my love

Don't really have much to say, cept that with Christmas right around the corner, I've been slightly emo.
And you know how acoustics get to me.
(Wish Cameron would make more videos)

ps: sense a tinge of John Mayer in his strums.

Christmas around the corner

Sometimes i wished i could be a nonfunctional civilian and not contribute anything to society. I've been much too lazy the last couple of days to do anything at all. Getting out of bed has proven to be a chore that the only motivation is food. Or fear of getting gastritis, to be more exact.

I wished holidays would arrive sooner. Alas, we have exams before that. I wonder when I Do start working, will I ever have any leisure time for myself, ever.. again? I like stoning. I like doing absolutely nothing sometimes. Just laying down watching a movie that consists of conversations so slow and too apprehensive to the mind that it requires no concentration at all.

Why have i turned this way, I wonder? Perhaps it's Winter. Which has taken it's time to make an appearance this year. I usually get winter depression around this time. Around Christmas. Oh how the Lonesome Feeling returns. And I start to think of you all over again. Remembering what it was to have someone to have hold and call home.

Can't help but wonder how'd it be like this time next year. Would I still be thinking of you? Would I still wish for you? It's been awhile since I've felt emotionally voided. I was so sure I was happy not being in a relationship. I wouldn't know how to divide my time. Yet here I am, yearning to have someone beside me. I pray for the time to pass.

I rather wish this feeling away then wish for you. One's more doable than the other.