Best pre-birthday gift ever

I've fallen yet into another blackhole. Spiraling into an empty void not knowing if there's end. A day before my birthday she told me 3 things that felt like continuous stabs to my heart.
1. She called the fucker to sleep over again.
2. Bcos she was confused about things with another guy whom she's going to start trying things with.
3. And she doesnt like me anymore. (but still wanna be close friends)

Needless to say i spent my birthday pretending to be enjoying everything that came my way. Drowning myself in alcohol and cigarettes. It's so cliche. But i really dont know how to lose myself and stop thinking bout all this. I've been hurt too many times. I can't be your friend no matter how we both want it. No actually. I dont want it. Why would i want to put myself in that position where i'm prone to getting hurt yet again. If you're indeed happy. Then i'm glad that you are, but i'm not about to stick around and see you Be happy. Fuck it. Fuck this shit.

Just leave me alone. After all we've been through, couldn't you just throw me a fucking bone and try things with me. Of cos if you honestly don't like anymore, it's a whole different matter, where you should stop being selfish and let me go. So that i can move on.

I'm weak for you. Knowing that at any time you come around, i would just melt and give in. I can't figure out if it's the failure of my conquest or the fact that i have actually fallen for you that makes me still wanna try sometimes. I'm falling in and out of this decision. Praying it will eventually slide or that something would change. That she would change, her mind, or heart.

We had planned a winter trip together. A now even that's for shit. Expected. I'm not surprised. Or maybe i'm just sceptical and pessimistic that way , that i always expect the worse to happen. I wish that i had the room to myself. That i could mourn in my own way. But my roomate and her boyfriend are always around.

this feels like shit. i know time heals everything, but i dont wanna be in this place right now.

Slut

awesome.

the girl that i was with for the past few months have been fucking two other guys while she was with me..

none of which knew bout each other.

is there no one else left in this world to trust..

i have no faith left in humanity..

anyone out there who feels me and wanna offer their condolences.. pls feel free to do so..

so FML la...

flood of unwanted memories...

Sitting in my room, waiting for the aunty (senior's parents's who is temporarily living next door awaiting their graduation) to get out of the damn bathroom so i can take a shower for umpteenth time today. Moscow is at a temperature i never knew existed. I'm so used to the blistering cold that this just caught me off guard. It's friggin 32 C. I stand at the window awaiting the cool wind to blow at my face and streak thru my hair.

I'm still waiting..

A hot gust of wind rushes thru..

And i'm need of a shower again... Correction, not shower.. A bath.. Actually u can't call it a bath. What do u call it when you need to collect water from a damn tap into a bucket to wash urself, because my shower head is broken due to lack of hot water supply for the past month.. when it was still freezing cold..

And now! now that the hot water has been restored, moscow decides to up the temperature and kill us all.. what the bladdy hell do we need hot water for.. gawddd

Anyway, here i am waiting to mandi kampung.. and waiting for my mum to get off the phone with Ee..

Spent the day cleaning up my room, doing the laundry, cooking, eating, installing bots on my CS, cutting a friend's hair (big concert day for her), and drinking with Bengali Boy..

Went down to get a bottle of beer, when lo and behold, a bunch of parents arrived with their luggages and what nots, waiting for the Only lift that's working at the moment.. Brilliant!
I stood there, trying to hide my beer, for fear of a dreadful first impression on me, and perhaps their children studying here. Decided to take the damn lift instead, running off with the excuse that i am kind hearted and respectful of elders. huhhuhuhu.

I've been my other phone, SMS-ing her while she's out. Got bored waiting for the bathroom and for mum so i decided to read thru the older messages on the phone. LMAO reading the messages that i've saved from the ex. Maybe it's cos i'm slightly tipsy, or maybe cos i found it hilarious at the way we used to SMS.

I'll never leave u.. Don't leave me.
Always and forever..
We'll make it ...

then it's..

we're just going thru a phase.. don't worry

i felt everything kinda went down hill from there..

My phone's recent saved messages were suddenly all about my grandma's passing.. =/

Weird how this brings back memories of what i tried to forget.. Can't decide if this is a good thing. I've moved on, but am i scarred? Maybe i rather not think bout it and push it all behind.

The aunties are finally done with the bathroom.. need a drag bfore i take a shower after all this nonsensical memories filling up head up with crap.

LIVE FREEEEEEEE~~~

ps: attachments are for shit at the moment.. waste of bladdy time..

Of exams and love bites

exams are just around the corner. havent burst out into my full study mode yet. not feeling stressed, nor pressured thus i have no motivation which kinda blows. plus C and Her have been coming over every night to "study". We basically just end up talking or playing which kinda distracts me from studying and im slightly stressed bout that. Oh why don't they give us more free days to study for exams.

On a different note. I went to class yesterday wearing a turtle neck because of an unconcealable hickey i got from Her. It was too high up to cover it with a plain collar tshirt, and seeing as how my brain doesnt really work in the mornings, i just decided to stick with the turtle neck instead of opting for something else or some remedy. The day went on fine, thinking i had done so brilliantly well on hiding this post neck sucking effect till i got home and got a message from H saying, 'hey i think i found a code name for ur girl. We'll just call her HC for hickey chick.. *hint hint* '

Aww crap. H stays with a A, a groupmate of mine. None of my groupmates here btw are aware of this side of me, cept for my roomate of course. So when H told me that A knew bout it, means the other 2 girls in my group knew bout it. H called me up to her room to share her new found info.

'LIKE HELL im gonna go to ur room now, since A would be there. Im too embarrassed'
'La, she's gone off somewhere. Don't be such a girl and come up la'

I was slightly hesitant knowing that A might return to the room at any moment, but i needed to know the extent of their conversation. I barely got to questioning her bout what A had said, when she started bombarding me with questions instead.

"Oo, so did u grope her? What are u guys now? Are u like in lurveeeeee with her? Why have a hickey unless you're ready to show it to everyone? OOo are u ready for that yet?"

With that and her being distracted by IMs in between, she took up all the alone time we had because suddenly i heard keys jiggling outside her door and crap i knew that was the return of A. @@ I shot up standing, ready to leave while H whines on about not finishing her story, flashing me a smug look at the same time. She has a damn talent for that. I turned around to see A giving me a knowing look/smile, i panicked, bid farewell and bolted out the door.

Upon returning to my room i saw an IM from A asking if i was there. LOL what could she possibly want to say i wonder. My mind is just laughing it's head off.

'Okay, that was weird. So to rid of any weirdness in the future. I just want you to know, that i know and i'm okay with it. So chill la. And im happy for you =) '

Waaaaaaaaa.. I'm having multiple, so many different emotions from that one IM of hers. Freaking out that she knows, Ecstatic that she's okay with it, and bladdy damn Shy for her being happy for me.

"Omggg. Don't la, i damn malu d"
"Haha, i bet you're blushing over there"
"Hm actually yea, anyway how did you guys find out and what did the other two say? Are they freaking out?"
"N saw, and she told both of us. They weren't freaking out, but they were more curious than anything else, trying to figure out who it is. They came up with prediction that 90% confirmation that the hickey was from a girl and 10% from a guy"

Wow.. 90% hurh. And i kinda thought that they were in denial bout the whole thing. I knew they had conversations bout me before. But i always thought they constantly brushed off the idea that i was gay. Anyway i'm happy enough, that A didn't say anything to them. She said it wasn't her place to do so and i've officially put her on the top of my list of people to love <3 ^^

Im starting to not care what people might say/talk around here anymore. I don't know why. What was i worried about before? That i might get shunned? Perhaps. But i suddenly have faith that the people i care about and trust, would never do that to me. I mean, the people whom i've opened up to are still around and perhaps that's more that i'll ever need here. We shall see how this goes. It's a small Malaysian community here, in this hostel. I just don't like being put on a spotlight like that and be the topic of people's conversations. Praying that everything would go about smoothly.

dun think, just feel..

humans are complicated. how do we really know what another person really wants in life, if we can't figure out ourselves yet. or at least i'm in that situation. how far am i suppose to take this with her. She's been coming over almost everyday now. Honestly i dont know where this is going and im not anxious to find out. I'm just enjoying it and going with the flow. she's been around and i can't help but wonder if im another one of her conquests or flavour of the month. i get bored easily too but i dont jump around. then again maybe it's not fair of me to say that of her. we shall see.. my fren calls me a coward, and maybe i am afraid bout goin into whatever this is. but i getting so comfortable , that i hate sleeping without her by my side..

1up on life, to snore ur way into women's day..

Happy women's day to girls everywhere, even the tribal ones who proly dont know the existence of it. It's one in the morning, and i've just finished watching 'It's complicated'. Me and a friend decided to watch it after she unexpectedly paid me a visit. Only thing is, she fell asleep halfway and is now snoring loudly on the bed across from mine. I'm not particularly annoyed at this nor am i really complaining, but i guess i'm not used to the fact that someone is spending the night in my room. No, not just someone. Someone with a serious case of nasal passage block. Why can't snoring sound more musical. No, scratch that, my grandpa makes this really loud whistling noise when he sleeps, each one ending with a puff of air producing a 'kh'. Technically, that's worse. But somehow i prefer the really consistent snores as compared to the opposed. The inconsistent snores ie the ones that comes to an abrupt stop and starts off all of a sudden with a full blast trumpet sound. At that point, you'd kinda wish there was a conductor right there with his baton putting this whole orchestra to an end.

My ex used to have that problem. Or still has. Who knows. But whenever she was over and we'd sleep together, i used to have alot of trouble falling asleep. We'd always be spooning and that was always nice, right up to the actual sleeping session. (ooo wonders never cease, the trumpeter has stopped.. hope she doesnt ever come across my blog. Tee~) Anyway, here i am, sitting in front of my laptop waiting to feel somnolent (gosh she sleeps exactly like my ex does, with all the snores, midway moans and sudden bodily jerks).

Decided to play a little old school nintendo game online. Unfortunately i never really live long enough through the game to use up any of the energy in my reserve tank for me to feel remotely drowsy. I'm a little rusty at the older games. That, and the fact that i realised, games back then used to be so much tougher than the ones now. Yea, modern games are 3D-ed and has special graphics and the puzzles are tough to solve. But the main marker for me in pointing out the difference would be.. a save point. Games back then couldn't be saved!! What's even worse is, they only give you 3 lives (max) throughout the entire game. You could prolly get an extra by bonus points but yet somehow that is still not enough (not for me at least). I've been playing Super Mario Brothers since i was a kid and it dawned on me that i've never ever finished the game. So i started again.. and as rusty as i was, i somehow managed to get a bit further since the last time i played but everytime i reach a new stage, i'd have to die at least trice before passing it. Meaning i'd have to play the whole damn game again. Now that's just sad. Plus it weighs my spirit down.

I know what you're thinking at this point..
Cos i'm thinking the same thing as im proof reading this..
Key...



THAT'S 1UP TO U!
WOOHOO!

insane(3)

well i (out of insanity) tore up a 3 day project that was meant to be her grad present. fuck it. just when i thought it couldn't get worse. What's lower than rock bottom? My heart fell again. You know that feeling when you're free falling from gravity like on a roller coaster, speeding downwards. sometimes i feel i should just get the hint and back off. other times i feel i should just keep pushing myself. both playing a role in my indecisiveness. there's no easy way out. no advice anyone can give to aid me.

it takes two..

this one man fighting show is about to end.

i'm tired, i'm sleepy. from the long hours of practicals, the lack of sleep... from doing what ended up as a complete waste of time and becoming food for the damn dustbin.

do what you wanna do from now on. i think i'm about to give up.
-------------------
pray this trip does me good. need sleep.
c u monday, buddy.

insane..

the night sucked. i couldnt sleep at all. i tossed and turned and images ran through my mind. images of her. images of who she's with. images of them together and i would spasm. so hard that i would knock the wall or kick the post of my bed. it tortured me. mentally. and there was no end to it. those and the fact that i was trying to force myself to sleep. im crashed. im numb. and lost. i feel alone. more alone than i've ever been. i felt betrayed. i felt like the awkward one left standing in a crowd full of couples and i'm being jeered. what have i done wrong i wonder. how did i end up here yet again. this pain so unbearable i had nothing to compare it to. i moaned, and i cried, and i shouted in agony. but what was i to do. i felt like i was losing her all over again. reliving the pain of her breaking up with me again. how do i get myself into these things. building a wall around me i feel i must shield myself from the world. i dont think you would understand. i dont think you would know the feeling of being so broken when the person you've put all your love into reflects it back with a simple i dont love you. nothing that you say could soften the blow. no medicine you can apply to heal the wound. the one person who trusted the most in the world, to just shun you leaving no trail of even a scent. am i the only one who feels the connection when we speak. am i only imagining something that isn't really there. i can never comprehend how it is all so simple for you to act so nonchalant and speak to me like you once did but without acknowledging the fact we were once as one. promises like a bridge left to crumble, where it's remains fall into the river and just taken away with the stream. no one knew it existed. just the person standing on one side, watching the other from across walking away.

i felt as though you have loved me once. i see none of it now. it's begining to fade. did it really happen? is this smell that lingers still yours. is the warmth on my hand from your touch. are you the taste on my lips from when you last kissed me. i long for all the things you've done to me once. when you ruffled my hair. when we danced. when we fed each other. when we made love. when i made you laugh. you were mine then. and i've never felt more connected to anyone else. you made me dream. dream of a future. together you and i. and i thought i've never seen things more clearly. then you took away my sun. my world became bleak, dark, cynical. i'm afraid to love again. that is for a fact. i only ever wanted you.

do you think it's amazing that i think of you every single day. there was a never day you never crossed my mind as much as i try to push you out. i wish i could forget you. i wish i never met you. i wish i knew why we couldn't work out. i wish i knew why you stopped caring for me. i wish i knew the answers to everything thats making my brain go haywire that i can't seem to function. more than anything i wish i could stop loving you. already i feel like a loser enough, i now feel like the giant elephant that's standing in your way. in your life. trying to fit in among all your perfection. squeezing in just so i can take a glance at your smile.

questions run through my mind. the answers i fear i will never know. i can only try to be happy for you but would you try to understand what i'm going through. would you ever think to put yourself in my position or does it never enter your mind. you miss out on all the sorrow of the world when you're happy.

is it so stupid for a cynic to still have hope. seems so simple doesn't it. you know what you want. go for it. there's no harm in trying. i've nothing to lose. i still believe. i would still have hope and persevere till i run out of it. give me strength.

sigh~

i miss you..

i dont know why either.. i can't help myself..

i'm just me..


happy birthday to someone out there..

to love and be loved

by no one else, but you. for all those moments where u pulled me down and soared me to the skies. i could fly, i could float, i could walk on water, i could be the world. we were the world. every hunger deep down inside, fullfilled with just one look of you. the wonder of you. the wonder of you. love in every true meaning of it. touched me so deep, i couldn't breathe at times, it was on the brim of choking, yet i was trying to take it all in. getting everything i could at every second, and it was pure bliss like being in a that one true place of fantasy you could only imagine in your dreams.

m tryin so hard to keep myself occupied.. so i'm solving the rubik's cube again and again.. if i stop.. i'll break down and just bawl..
-------------
bck in msia i've already found the perfect way to get to london, i have a feeling she didnt believe me then when i said i was going. i even asked her about it. keeping myself occupied on finding the perfect date to go so it'll be cheaper.. think i found it..

i'm trying so hard.. through this pain and tears, i'm not going to give up.. i'm gonna keep on fighting for us.. because it's worth everything i have to give. You're worth everything i have to give.. ='( even if i die trying..

Dreams come true
Everyone says so, but I can’t see it
Dreams come true
There are times when I can’t say that myself
Dreams come true
There are times when no matter how much I believe, it doesn’t work out
And when I try, your voice makes me sad
Dreams come true
Surely the time will come when I can say that?

Everyone gets up like that, and questions things
But still, we don’t give up, we keep walking towards the future

Everyone gets up like that, and questions things
But still, we don’t give up, we keep walking towards the future

WHAT SHOULD I DO.. SOMEONE PLS HELP ME.. WHAT SHOULD I DO.. I HATE THAT I CRY SO MUCH.. I HATE THAT I CAN'T FLY TO HER RIGHT NOW AND TELL HER HOW I FEEL. I HATE THAT I DONT HAVE MONEY THAT I EVEN HAVE TO COOK AND SELL STUFF JUST TO BREAK EVEN.. I HATE CRYING.. I HATE THIS.. I HATE EVERYTHING...

but you..

='(

dont lose hope

she really ended things with me. i'm not even allowed to message her or talk to her anymore. the truth always hurts more. speaking the truth out loud is even more painful. so i'm not going to do that here. i'm not going to say what i think, merely how i feel. and how i feel, frankly is fucking crappy. PAIN.. PAIN.. DOES THAT REGISTER IN YOUR F'KG HEAD!! i get so messed up in situations like this. my emotions are hay wire. i sit down and burst into tears all of a sudden, or i talk to someone and i bladdy hell just snap at them. i try to smile, but i'm too tired to pretend it's all okay. i can't sleep. and when i do i get this spasms, and i just hit everything cause i'm so fucking frustrated and when i try to calm myself down to fall asleep, all i can think of is jamming a pen into my heart because it's aching.. literally aching. maybe cos my heart's not there. sigh. but i've made a choice bout something a long time ago, and i'm still gonna go for it. hope gets us far right. hope has brought me so much. and that's one thing i'm not going to give up on...

i pray that when you find yourself.. you wont let anything stand in your way of what you want, not even yourself.

Hope

i just had to put this up. this is the most beautiful and touching thing that i've ever seen. i don't know why, it just touches me so deep inside. maybe .. just maybe we can all have a fairy tale ending. i see this, and i know.. nothing comes easy, but through it all, if we fight for what we really want, maybe, just maybe....

ps: this is for u b. i know u'll like this too.. love u for always.. mwhx

feel like writing out what's happened, and what's to be.. but i rather not think about it. for the best i guess. like she said, we're like this couple, who's time is just not right yet. we're friggin perfect for each other, we're like two peas in a pod, but where we are right now, it's just making it difficult for us. she prefers to not be together, to avoid thinking or planning our future. i on the other hand have already had in mind what i want it to be. it's a dream.. for me, still a dream i wanna make happen.. and it'll come true.. cos you and me, b.. there's no denying our love. it's so clear to see.. we can't live without each other.. so for now, i'll settle for being your best friend.. we'll still be lovey dovey from time to time, but like you said, no thinking bout anything.. for now.. we'll try to keep it mellow for now. other people might not get it.. but i do.. i know what she wants.. and it hurts either way, but through it all b, you gotta remember.. you'll wake up every morning still, knowing that i'm yours.. and i'll always be.. love you for life.. my angel..

i can feel a change in myself already. will it take over me completely or is this a phase. only time will tell, only time will heal right? already i feel alone. already i feel so out of place. so uncomfortable with everything. i feel so foreign in this place, my own room, my own body. I know i'll be ok. I wont die, though i do feel like dying inside right now. sad to say i feel you're the only thing i can talk to right now without the fear of being judged, or scolded or resented. i can hardly open my eyes, i try not to. my tears will just keep flowing. if i'm to be alone without you, then i will be alone completely. what's the purpose of mixing with others and pretending to be happy when you know that only one person that makes you happy. i can't do that. i know she can. of course i'll pray everyday she'll come back to me. she'll decide that she can't do this. but i know her, no matter how hard it is for her, she'll fight it, she die trying to be without me just to prove that she can. i know in time what will happen if this goes on but perhaps its best not to say it out loud. i can still look to the skies and pray she'll come back to me. shit, so fucking hard to type with my eyes keep blurring out. i seem so pathetic don't i. i'm not like that you know. it's just, with her, she was my weak spot. my weakest.. i get pissed if anyone says anything about her, i get so down when she's blue, and i'm the happiest person in the world when she laughs. sometimes i feel i resemble a lost puppy. she took me in, took care of me, and loved me. it's just that now she realises that it's too much for her and she's kicking out. i think too much. didn't occur to me till now. i used to be like that, before i met her and during the beginning of our relationship. she used to tell me that all the time too. i think too much. i worry too much. fuck that it's starting to come back to me. i talk to myself alot too. had no one else to talk to. even if i did, i don't know how to. words just don't seem to come out as easy with anyone else. sometimes its more formal. i dont wanna fucking cry, somehow that's all i do. if i let myself be, i know all the memories of us will just flood back and i'll die crying. how can i be so stupid to think that someone like her could actually be mine forever. seems like such a foolish dream now. i couldn't be there for her, physically. all this feelings of hurt and pain and anger and confusion is just, so much to handle right now. i miss her so much. and i feel everytime i sms her to just tell all this, it's not something she wants me to do. i'm fucking starting to be sceptical again. i hate that. i'm starting to resent everything again. i don't wanna live like that. but the thing is i dont know how to feel anymore. i dont know what i'm suppose to feel. i dont know if i should just lie to myself and be strong, i dont know if i should be angry with life, i don't know if moping and sulking would make me feel better, i dont know anythign anymore. i dont know.. i feel so lost in a fucking pitched black world. i think i'll feel safe in this room. then again i pray that when i step out, something would hit me and i'd die. wouldn't it be easier. i am hating happy people right now. i don't want to be around couples, if you know what i mean. but i guess i'm stuck with that right. i don't want to be around people for that matter. just leave me alone. maybe i should run away. i have the cash, i haven't paid fees yet. i could just take off. sighhhhhhh. why is it i feel i can't care anymore. and i know that's bad cos i have so many responsibilities here, but i just can't care. i tried to sleep but the whole night i woke up in an empty room with the will only to drive a metal shard through my heart. i'm not being dramatic, that was what i wanted. i'm feel i'm dying inside. i feel so tired. sigh. i loved her so much. she asked me to let her go. does her happiness mean more than mine. yes. but this is what's going to kill me. i loved her so much godamnit. i loved her wtih all my heart. why the fuck are you so cruel to me God. bring her back to me. fuck you. see this is what i'm afraid of. that if i walk out i might just burst into tears. you've seen forgetting sarah marshal right? that guy is exactly how i was, how i am. so frustrated. what did i do wrong? she was my angel. and i spent everyday and every second caring for her. i appreciated her like god's gift to me. i showered her with love.. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh how can something hurt so muchhhhhh.. every memory is like a jolt of electricity running throught my fucking brain. help me.. someone please help me cos i dont think i can help myself right now. no one has ever made me cry this much. no one has ever touched me like she did. ahh god i feel like jamming a pen in my eye. fuck it. i'm not weak. i was never weak. not till her. somehow everything before her was forgotten, but it's coming back. maybe drinking is all i need. i quit smoking. i really don't wana smoke anymore. i gave it up for her. gahhhhhhhhh i wanted her. i wanted to be with her. i wanted love. maybe i wanted too much. no one really gets everything right. not wrong to dream still.. so i shall, i shall dream of us b. living together, in the house u dreamed of. where every morning you'll wake up to my kisses, and my words of i love you. where flowers that i've plucked would be greeting you in a vase on the table. our dog, Boris will be hopping all over you as you walk down the stairs. I'll hold you every morning telling you how i'm the happiest person in the world because i've found an angel. I'll hold you like i always do around your waist. Kiss you goodbye as i go off to work and when i return we'll sit in our hall talking about our day. and after dinner i'll carry you to our room and make love to you. kiss you from head to toe. breathing in your sweet smelling hair, suckling on your amazingly clean toes. your perfect long legs curled around me. i'm gonna miss all that, i'm gonna miss all of you, every part of you. while i still have that little bit of faith left in me, that you'll one day be mine again, i'll dream.. i'll pray.. i'll hope..

Well, heading back to Moscow tomorrow morning. It's like a death sentence. Finally packed everything. I hope the weight on my luggages are okay. Was praying i could talk to b. She's the only one who can take away this nervous feelings of mine.Mum is sleeping =/ Kept calling her, but i think she's already at her friend's place. Again she didnt tell me she was already going. She hates reporting to me, she says.
Feeling so down right now. It's the 4th time leaving. Can that be right? How time flies. Keep praying you'll call me. That you'll be thinking of me, so maybe you'll message me and tell me you miss me. Anything to cheer me up!! Getting bouts of stomach ache again. Argh, pray this doesn't happen during the flight. I'm leavinggggggggg... I'm leaving in a few hours, and i all i wanna do now is talk to you... where r u.. =(

I've never felt happier, more alive, more comfortable and at home than when im with you.. sometimes i just dont know how else to say it, and i pray that i'm with you, you can see, thru my actions, my gestures, how much i love you. i promise you, you're the only one. and with you, i just wanna be the most caring, most loyal, lovable, sweetest thing you've ever known in the world, because that's what you are to me.. i love you my darling angel.. always will..