In search of something

Something has lead me here again. It's something that I can't seem to pin point on but deep down inside i know it's underlying cause. I'm getting bored. And i need a new pace. Yet again, I find myself in a rut, doing the same old thing day in and out. 

It's been .. 5 months since i've started working, yet it feels like forever. It's difficult trying to adapt, new life, new situations yet sometimes I can't help comparing what I used to have (in Moscow), to the life i'm leading now. 

I need something new in life. I have everything I need yet I feel something's amiss. I need something new. Something different. 

I need a change. 

 

Coincidentally

He posted this up, at a timing so right, it hit hard when we heard it.
She cried, and i held in my tears trying to stay strong.

In love again

I've fallen in love yet again. Bite me.
Worst thing is, she fits me perfect.
With a month left in Russia, this is absolutely fantastic.
*sigh*
or maybe it is for best.
She's not from the Peninsular. She has 3 years left in Russia. And even if we had found each other on much earlier timeline, that would just have made it harder to say goodbye for neither of us could pull of a LDR.
It had started out initially as a No String's Attached, simple sort of agreement.
As we went on, we found out that it couldn't work out that way. I had liked her for awhile now, not knowing she felt the same. So here we are, both fools, trying to get everything out of something that will not last. The outcome will not be pretty. But i pray the memories made from it, is enough to make us not regret what we're doing now.

It's too late anyway.

I really do like her.

The four letter word shall not be used.

<3

Бог устал нас любить

We took a little to much,
We remembered everything we wanted to forget,
and on the rails we laid a little late,
God stopped loving us,
God stopped loving us,
God just stopped loving us,
God is just tired.
Here's the case of the bullet that stroke through,
The card that you just can't beat,
We stay alone in this world,
God stopped loving us,
God stopped loving us,
God just stopped loving us,
God is just tired.
I would tell you all I know,
It's just I shouldn't talk about these things,
The fallen snow never melts,
God stopped loving us,
God stopped loving us,
God just stopped loving us,
God is just tired.

Russian music and language never really sound good but their poems and lyrics makes up for it.

I can feel my heart trying to open itself up. Trying and as i fear, never getting there. Why?

I'm in the midst of reading A Clockwork Orange. And just when 'Your Humble Narrator' has been sent for an experiment and "cured" of his violence, the only way to test and prove the success of it is by inflicting violence upon him. All this done, in which by instinct of any normal human being would be to defend themselves and fight back, but it's no longer in him to able to do so. The videos of pain upon others has been embedded in him and the very thought of violence made him sick.

I would use that in reference and relate to the fact that since the last person i've opened my heart up to, has (in what i can only say as) severely damaged me and therefore i'm walled up than ever. And as it is i've come to recently have a crush on someone new. I'd hate to admit anything by saying it or writing it out, but i believe to come to terms with it brings forth a chance of finding a solution.

The fact that i have an inkling of a feeling, means i now have a leak in my dam. And the ever pending fear of it breaking has brought me nightmares. Literally. In the past few nights, and even naps I've already dreamt of murderous acts, reliving of the past, lashing out anger.. all very much of Love and Pain. Drama.. I detest drama. It's not fun to feel. The risks that comes with being involved with anyone here for the remaining 2 months i have left is not worth it. Guess i gotta keep reminding myself that. Blow over. Please blow over quick.

*Realises* (I suddenly feel like i know where VV is at)

Go figure.. Hmm. 

GIG sucked.

The weekend.. was surreal.
if it wasnt for my pulsating knee as a reminder, i would in fact have no memory of the game itself.
everything seems a blur. like a dream. a dream i would have liked to relive again. replay everything and do it diff this time.
for both games, i just couldn't pintpoint what went wrong. how it turned out this way.
i wished i knew.

This is for you

But you'll never know anyway.
You'll never how i was trying to get through to you.
I gave up a long time ago.
But I still think about it sometimes.

Fitness. It's a sport.

Day 27 of Insanity

Tomorrow will mark the end of my one month Insanity project. Unfortunately, I have yet to take a 'before' shot of my body, though I Can feel/see the difference in my arm, calf and abdominal region. Of course, this is just to improve my fitness as I'm playing two sports for intervarsity but I'm sorta hoping for an appearance of a certain muscle group at my midriff.

I actually came to a point where I've stopped cursing my lungs out in between panting like a dog at him and started concentrating on, as he says 'Finishing Strong'.

Was browsing through some of Shaun T's other workouts and came across Asylum.





Insane? Nope. We're already done. Or midway at least. This is Asylum. If you really want a challenge. This is where you belong. Right here. Push your way through fitness.

Are you game?

Can't quite get my mind settled in this pathetic demonstration/display of hope over experience. It is human to err. But i can't help feeling like the cat who's temporarily staying in my room. Being whacked and scolded for the umpteenth for putting it's head down my cup in hopes it will one day be allowed to drink water from the human's vessel.
Let this not be a mistake.
Hoping that each time we try, it'll be a change.