We were as one
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine
Now you want to be free
So I'll let you fly
Cause I know in my heart
Our love will never die

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you cant escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're ever gonna shake me
Oh darling, cause you'll always be my baby

I ain't gonna cry
And I won't beg you to stay
If you're determined to leave girl
I will not stand in your way
But inevitably, you'll be back again
Cause you know in your heart babe
Our love will never end

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you cant escape me
Ooh darling cause youll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time cant erase a feeling this strong
No way youre ever gonna shake me
Oh darling, cause you'll always be my baby

I know that you'll be back girl
When your days and your nights get a little bit colder
I know that you'll be right back baby
Oh baby believe me it's only a matter of time

You'll always be a part of me
Im part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're ever gonna shake me
Oh darling, cause you'll always be my baby

i can feel a change in myself already. will it take over me completely or is this a phase. only time will tell, only time will heal right? already i feel alone. already i feel so out of place. so uncomfortable with everything. i feel so foreign in this place, my own room, my own body. I know i'll be ok. I wont die, though i do feel like dying inside right now. sad to say i feel you're the only thing i can talk to right now without the fear of being judged, or scolded or resented. i can hardly open my eyes, i try not to. my tears will just keep flowing. if i'm to be alone without you, then i will be alone completely. what's the purpose of mixing with others and pretending to be happy when you know that only one person that makes you happy. i can't do that. i know she can. of course i'll pray everyday she'll come back to me. she'll decide that she can't do this. but i know her, no matter how hard it is for her, she'll fight it, she die trying to be without me just to prove that she can. i know in time what will happen if this goes on but perhaps its best not to say it out loud. i can still look to the skies and pray she'll come back to me. shit, so fucking hard to type with my eyes keep blurring out. i seem so pathetic don't i. i'm not like that you know. it's just, with her, she was my weak spot. my weakest.. i get pissed if anyone says anything about her, i get so down when she's blue, and i'm the happiest person in the world when she laughs. sometimes i feel i resemble a lost puppy. she took me in, took care of me, and loved me. it's just that now she realises that it's too much for her and she's kicking out. i think too much. didn't occur to me till now. i used to be like that, before i met her and during the beginning of our relationship. she used to tell me that all the time too. i think too much. i worry too much. fuck that it's starting to come back to me. i talk to myself alot too. had no one else to talk to. even if i did, i don't know how to. words just don't seem to come out as easy with anyone else. sometimes its more formal. i dont wanna fucking cry, somehow that's all i do. if i let myself be, i know all the memories of us will just flood back and i'll die crying. how can i be so stupid to think that someone like her could actually be mine forever. seems like such a foolish dream now. i couldn't be there for her, physically. all this feelings of hurt and pain and anger and confusion is just, so much to handle right now. i miss her so much. and i feel everytime i sms her to just tell all this, it's not something she wants me to do. i'm fucking starting to be sceptical again. i hate that. i'm starting to resent everything again. i don't wanna live like that. but the thing is i dont know how to feel anymore. i dont know what i'm suppose to feel. i dont know if i should just lie to myself and be strong, i dont know if i should be angry with life, i don't know if moping and sulking would make me feel better, i dont know anythign anymore. i dont know.. i feel so lost in a fucking pitched black world. i think i'll feel safe in this room. then again i pray that when i step out, something would hit me and i'd die. wouldn't it be easier. i am hating happy people right now. i don't want to be around couples, if you know what i mean. but i guess i'm stuck with that right. i don't want to be around people for that matter. just leave me alone. maybe i should run away. i have the cash, i haven't paid fees yet. i could just take off. sighhhhhhh. why is it i feel i can't care anymore. and i know that's bad cos i have so many responsibilities here, but i just can't care. i tried to sleep but the whole night i woke up in an empty room with the will only to drive a metal shard through my heart. i'm not being dramatic, that was what i wanted. i'm feel i'm dying inside. i feel so tired. sigh. i loved her so much. she asked me to let her go. does her happiness mean more than mine. yes. but this is what's going to kill me. i loved her so much godamnit. i loved her wtih all my heart. why the fuck are you so cruel to me God. bring her back to me. fuck you. see this is what i'm afraid of. that if i walk out i might just burst into tears. you've seen forgetting sarah marshal right? that guy is exactly how i was, how i am. so frustrated. what did i do wrong? she was my angel. and i spent everyday and every second caring for her. i appreciated her like god's gift to me. i showered her with love.. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh how can something hurt so muchhhhhh.. every memory is like a jolt of electricity running throught my fucking brain. help me.. someone please help me cos i dont think i can help myself right now. no one has ever made me cry this much. no one has ever touched me like she did. ahh god i feel like jamming a pen in my eye. fuck it. i'm not weak. i was never weak. not till her. somehow everything before her was forgotten, but it's coming back. maybe drinking is all i need. i quit smoking. i really don't wana smoke anymore. i gave it up for her. gahhhhhhhhh i wanted her. i wanted to be with her. i wanted love. maybe i wanted too much. no one really gets everything right. not wrong to dream still.. so i shall, i shall dream of us b. living together, in the house u dreamed of. where every morning you'll wake up to my kisses, and my words of i love you. where flowers that i've plucked would be greeting you in a vase on the table. our dog, Boris will be hopping all over you as you walk down the stairs. I'll hold you every morning telling you how i'm the happiest person in the world because i've found an angel. I'll hold you like i always do around your waist. Kiss you goodbye as i go off to work and when i return we'll sit in our hall talking about our day. and after dinner i'll carry you to our room and make love to you. kiss you from head to toe. breathing in your sweet smelling hair, suckling on your amazingly clean toes. your perfect long legs curled around me. i'm gonna miss all that, i'm gonna miss all of you, every part of you. while i still have that little bit of faith left in me, that you'll one day be mine again, i'll dream.. i'll pray.. i'll hope..

For mum

I hope you know, you're the world to me. There's no one else that can replace you. I dont say it just because, but i do mean it.. You're the world's best mum. I cry when i think i have to part with you. I see how you love us unconditionally, and i say if often but it's still not enough. Ma, i love you. There are no words to say, no position to place you, because you're the queen of my heart. I pray one day you'll see, me love you mummy. *runs to mummy and hugs.. damn, i know i'm gonna cry later at the airport.. =(

Well, heading back to Moscow tomorrow morning. It's like a death sentence. Finally packed everything. I hope the weight on my luggages are okay. Was praying i could talk to b. She's the only one who can take away this nervous feelings of mine.Mum is sleeping =/ Kept calling her, but i think she's already at her friend's place. Again she didnt tell me she was already going. She hates reporting to me, she says.
Feeling so down right now. It's the 4th time leaving. Can that be right? How time flies. Keep praying you'll call me. That you'll be thinking of me, so maybe you'll message me and tell me you miss me. Anything to cheer me up!! Getting bouts of stomach ache again. Argh, pray this doesn't happen during the flight. I'm leavinggggggggg... I'm leaving in a few hours, and i all i wanna do now is talk to you... where r u.. =(

I've never felt happier, more alive, more comfortable and at home than when im with you.. sometimes i just dont know how else to say it, and i pray that i'm with you, you can see, thru my actions, my gestures, how much i love you. i promise you, you're the only one. and with you, i just wanna be the most caring, most loyal, lovable, sweetest thing you've ever known in the world, because that's what you are to me.. i love you my darling angel.. always will..

Utterly bored. No one is home. My younger sister is studying for SPM and I have nothing to do. The list for National Service came out last week. I for one am glad my sister didn't get chosen. There's always been this rumor saying that if any one of your siblings have been to NS, most likely you wont be chosen, so my sister is thanking me for her luck. But unlike her, most of her friends are applying for it, excited to enter. Don't get the purpose of NS. Never did. Supposedly to instill patriotism in the younger generation, no one ever comes out of NS being any more patriotic than when they first entered. Everyone just comes out saying, OOh what fun it was. And it does more harm than good, when every year, someone just dies from it. And now, most people who are applying for NS are those troublemakers, in which they'll be taught how to handle firearms and whatnots. Brilliant..

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Too free..too bored..

I actually found this book in mph. Never knew anyone could come up with something like this. It teaches sentences like "Oh, it's so big" and "Your pussy hair is so curly, how cute" Yee.Means END, but i forgot in what language. Just remember being so amused by this. Found it in the lobby of the hotel i was staying at in phuket. Was screaming, look Ma, slut slut.. wahahah. "Ma, slut..". think i embarrassed my mum.

Aren't these two just the cutest! They're you and me, B.

One of my fav pics. Reminds me of that scene in the Love Guru. Distraction... oooooo
ACTIONS.. SPEAK LOUDER.. THAN BLOGS.. this was a tshirt.. would hv gotten it, if it had my size.. alas..

what is it with people and pink nipples?

sawadeeka Mr. Ronald

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Suppose to have two moons tonight.. Gonna stand out and look for it.. weee

My baby is back, my baby is back, My baby is back, my baby is back, My baby is back, my baby is back, My baby is back, my baby is back, My baby is back, my baby is back, My baby is back, my baby is back. Weeeeee..

Everything at an end

Well, the Beijing Olympics has come to an end, and so have my holidays. Well, almost. Have about, two weeks left before i head back to hell. As I was watching the closing ceremony, I was almost certain that everyone watching was sure to be skeptical about the fireworks we were seeing on TV. The closing ceremony wasn't as grand as the opening that's for sure but a job well done overall. Who's to say if the amount spent on this Olympics is worth it or necessary. Can't blame the Chinese for being so damn 'kiasu'. It's what they do best. They have every right to show off as well, seeing as how they Are a great country. Clearly shown, during the opening ceremony, when they put on a show for everything they've invented, eg. silk, fireworks, paper, the scroll.. I was of course much disappointed by Malaysia's performance, especially in Taekwondo. I sat and watched all of our taekwondo and badminton players, cheering them on with a little flag of Malaysia I stole from Crystal Crown hotel, and yet they lost.. bwahhh.. lol but of course kudos to Lee Chong Wei. Only wished his last match didnt seem so much like a little boy being beaten down in the school yard.

I have however developed a new crush on a certain Martina Zubcic. She walked into each match as though she was going for a party (this i quote from the commentator because even they were much amused by her.) She walks around the ring with the sweetest smile on her face, but when the referee shouts 'charyeot' her cries of battle begins. Being a student in the art, one thing that I've always loved about the sport was the discipline instilled in every student but of course in the case of Angel Matos that's just down the drain. It's all to do with technicality. Even the scoring system is a little off. 3 out of the 4 judges are required to press down on the buzzer a second after what they consider a hit. Anysecond more and it's not counted. So many hits and points failed to be awarded because of the system. Guess some of it is by luck. Good thing, my Martina Zubcic won bronze. If not I'd really be furious. Hyiakkk!

Ever since i was kid, i always had this feeling that i was suppose to be in a different body. Sometimes have reoccurring dreams that i was someone else. But over the years, i've managed to accept who i am for what i am. And if i am comfortable with the body God gave me, then I'm going to be the way he made me in every way, inside out. On how I am, and how i love and whom i love. For I believe, then He'll love me for being me. Will you?
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Btw, is slightly offended and annoyed everytime i hear Katy Perry's ' I kissed a girl' song playing on the radio. It is uncalled for to censor out the word 'girl'? As if hearing it would make any heterosexual or any potential homosexual jump of the bridge to 'gay land'.

Ooo yes, encoded in the song are actually chants.. " Come join us in the lala gay land.. "

Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo... lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala

Join us, be gay and merry XD

Want some of this ? Come get it..

Back..

from ipoh.. spent the weekend there with my grandma. Dad sat us down and talked to us like little children awhile back. Grandma isn't very strong anymore. Breathing from only half of her left lung, she has to constantly walk around with an oxygen concentrator. He also told my mum secretly, that if anything were to happen to her while we were away studying *touch wood, he would not let us know, for he wouldnt wanna buy us tickets to bring us back. Just thinking bout not being able to say goodbye to her makes my heart break.

Was suppose to blog about my trip to phuket and to the durian plantation ( not a fan of durians, but what's free is worth stuffing ur face for, yeah kiasu.. i'm chinese, wat to do ). Not in the mood of doing that anymore after i got a call from an old friend.

K : you sitting down?
Me: yeah, i'm lying down. 'sup
K : have a lot of things to tell u. just wanna mk sure u're prepared

I rolled my eyes, thinking this is gonna be one of her jokes again. She messaged me online last year, claiming she was pregnant. Everyone knows about how sexually active she and her boyfriend are, so it wouldnt be completely unbelievable if it did happen. Turned out, it was just a joke. So i was expecting something of the sort when she called me again. But this time, it was different. She was sniffling.

Me: Are you sick again?
K : No.... .... I just have .. erm.. flu..
Me: What? And flu is not an illness to u lah..

First of all, you must know, K, isn't one of the sharpest people in the world. Saying she's quite blur would be an understatement. You can smack her hard, anywhere, and she'll respond only about a minute later. Don't ask me bout that. So when she said she had flu, something told me she was just being her blur self again, but my instincts told me otherwise. She's been with this guy for like 4 years already. And everyone thought that they had it good. They seemed happy. But not everyone's that lucky.

K : Damn, i'm waiting for him to get out the room so i can go in and talk to u.
Me: Why can't you talk to me from where you are?
K: *hesitates* We broke up 4 months ago. And right after we broke up, i found out i was pregnant.

I stuttered and came out with a bunch of incomplete questions "How the.." , "What the..", "When the.." etc. She was 11 weeks pregnant. Being the blur bum she was, she realised it after that long and of course she immediately went for an abortion.

Now the question in my mind, is how can anyone be so insensitive. To not bother to even show up during the procedure, to parade around with someone new in front of her, and to retort, "what do you want me to do" when she complains of sharp pains after her abortion. Are only guys like that? I wonder IF two women in a relationship were to be in the same situation, would there be any sort of similarity? How can people just end relationships like that after being together for so long? And what of same-sex couples? Is it any harder? Easier? Or just the same. Wish i knew of someone who's in a same-sex relationship, who's been in it for many years, and still going strong. Give me some assurance..