Procrastin...i'll finish this later..

This is post is dedicated to the theme of today which would be procrastination.

I have or im trying to put off almost everything today. I find myself pushing myself alot harder than i usually need to.

Had to push myself to exercise today... I did 15 squats (that's all!). And then called it a day.

Tried limiting my food intake today.. I think i topped up my plate 3x.

And now instead of Trying to Push myself to Study, i decided to open up this blog which i have not done so in probably a year (too lazy to check) just to rant and bitch about how i'm not doing much for myself...

DO MORE ... DO MORE THAN YOU THINK YOU CAN.....

CMON, KID. 

Post Call Woes

I'm hate it when i'm post call. And all I wanna do is sleep. But it's friggin' 8am in the morning and I can't because the sun is shining in and my biological clock is saying "fucking get up and do stuff already".
This comes the time, where i usually take a 'shot'. Be it liquid or smoke. As long as it gets me in that mood where i'm ready to throw off my clothes and just dunk myself into bed and say .. please.. take me ..
EOD calls coming up. I need this.

I NEED SLEEP.

A dreamer's thoughts.

Sometimes I wonder the type of person I want to be. I don't think it's ever to late to keep wondering that even if you're well aged. People can change in an instant. It all depends on what they want. So like I said. I sit and wonder what type of person I want to be.

I've always thought of myself as a person who would just be satisfied with the simplicity of life. Living on a stable salary and just as long as I am able to do the things that I need, I would in fact be contented.

But in a way, me having that sort of mind set would very well be, or might be the one thing holding me back. Of course, everyone would say, aim high. And that seems like the most sensible thing.

I guess my question for now would be.. How high do I aim? 

A meet up with The Ex.

I don't know what I thought was gonna happen. Or maybe, I just had a fantasy played in my mind but never expected to act it out.

The ex is back from Moscow, and invited me out for a meet up. Which I of course agreed, because "I'm mature enough to handle it". 

I think I was a jumbled mess and mix of emotions. I was sweet, and caring. Then angry, being snide and was partly a jerk with comebacks like knives of steel. Then I was flirtatious and charming. 

I was starting to regret ever agreeing to this. 

I honestly thought I was able to control myself and be the adult here. I know what I want. And I was so sure she wasn't what i wanted anymore. But feelings rush back. Memories.. oh such sweet memories. The ever so cliche.. it felt right being with her. Having her by my side. The accidental bumps while walking side by side. The grasping of my arm while being excited about something. The brushing of hands. 

I tried so hard to not make an advance, knowing well she was doing the same. 

Night came, and I had to send her back home. Sitting in a parked car, I questioned her for explanations on how she could let us go. Why she did the things she did. 

With how unsure she is of herself, I'm so convinced that this is not what I want in a partner. Yet, every fragment of me was falling apart as I tried not to grasp her hand, lean in and kissed her. PURE. TORTURE. 

Gawd I wanted her. How I missed her. Her cousin came out from the apartment to call her in. She leaned in for a hug and I kissed her not wanting to regret this later. She panicked, hoping her cousin wouldn't see, and I wasn't sure if I made a mistake. 

Her message came after I drove off. 

"Why did you do that so last minute? =( " 

I don't wanna this to be just a one time thing, just because we let our emotions and memories play us back. But maybe this is exactly what this is. 

I feel my heart asking.. "Are you really ready for Round Two?" 

*Gulp* 

Get up! Get out!

Can't seem to discipline myself to a set routine of exercising. I'm convinced that the only way I would consistently go to the gym, is a girl. That's probably all I need. A fit, skin bearing, sweat dripping over body, focused sort of gal. Jogging right beside me, trying to reach her goal, while I try to reach her.

.....

=_=''

I need to get out more. 

Things you don't need to know about housemanship

Work. 

What can I say about work.

When my juniors' ask me, what can they expect from work.. I don't know what to say, other than the usual.. You'll survive. You'll pick up as you go along. Be humble. Ask alot. Ask everything. Have a good attitude. 

Yeah, if you have all that, you'll get by.. I guess.. 

I forget to mention things like:

-You need a very big bladder. If you don't have one, you're probably going to have to learn how to control that wee thing of yours, because going to the bathroom.. is an opportunity you might not get. 

But then again, why would you ever need to go to the loo, if you have minimal or even No fluid intake!  

- No input, means... No ouput! 

It's amazing how you forget even the most basic need of every living creature, when you're rushing to get the job done on time, knowing if you don't, more shitload of work is just gonna come piling on you. I have no idea how many times, I've wanted to go the bathroom, or wanted to take just a sip of water, or something to munch on just to pacify my stomach and I end up forgetting to do so just because something else came up. 

And by the time I'm done with that job, I always end up standing there wondering what I initially wanted to do, and before you know it, I'm being called again, because apparently I look too free. Nice. 

Work began at 7am. It ends at 5pm. It's supposed to. I came home at 9pm today. Which isn't too bad. I've had worse days. I had my first drink of water, first meal and first bathroom break of the day upon arrival back home. They say it's the little things in life that we take for granted? Well I'm grateful enough I get to come home to all those. A warm meal, a nice cold beverage, and my toilet at home, because I hate public toilets. 

-You need soft, comfy, spongy, good padded shoes.. or your feet are fucked. Seriously. Toes and all, man. 

When I first started working, by the end of the first month, I swear, I could not feel my feet. They were numb. When I walked I couldn't feel the ground. When I stepped on my car pedals, I didn't know how low down I was pushing it. I used to crawl or drag my body around the house on the floor like soldiers do just so I didn't have to use my feet. Gross, i know. But yeah, i'm like that. Whatever. Just get good shoes. 

-Lastly, get Good Pens. 

Doesn't seem like necessary advice, but believe me. Doing what I do. You write. Alot. And you write. Everything. You write down the dates, the time, precise of every detail. You write, who said what, and who did what, and what your patient said or did or what happened. Unless of course you work at those damn hospitals that have everything computerized, then screw you, you don't have to go through all this. 

Finding that proper pen that suits you, is like Harry Potter trying to find that perfect wand for himself. I've had conversations with my bosses about pens. Which was good, which runs out faster, which is liable to die right after it hits the ground, which one leaks and stains your pockets and which is smoother. 

Your writing may be shit, but at least at the end of the day, with a proper pen, it ain't so much of an eye sore. 

And there you have it, folks. My two cents about crap no one would particularly bother about. Probably have some more nonsensical tips somewhere at the back of my head, but I'm too lazy to straighten out my noodles and think about it. 

Next time, and I promise it'll be as irrelevant as this one too. 

Summary

It's always nice reading back my old posts. There's a reason why I just left this blog as it was, never deleting any of the posts or just shutting this whole thing down. I like being reminded of the life i used to have, and the people that were once in it, no matter how crappy they treated me or how it a little bit of it still hurts when I think of them.

When I first started this blog, I was in my second relationship with a girl I managed to stay on with for 3 years. She helped me grow and come out of my shell. I dont know where she is today, but i secretly thank her for making me who i am today. To be honest, when I was with that long distance relationship with her, I seldom got around, spending most of my time on Skype trying to get as much time with her possible. And since the break up, I wallowed in self pity for half a year, before going full blast into social mode. I must admit, that year.. since my 4th year.. I've been having a blast being where I was.

My roomate never used to come back to the room. Me having the whole place to myself... was bliss. I turned into my very own bachelor pad. It was a port for everything. For people to "study", really study, a pit stop for those who needed some RnR if the lift was broken (since my floor was right in the middle). It was a port for meetings, discussions, drinking, smoking, stoning, shisha-ing, watching movies, for people to nap or spend the night if needed. It's all been done. Probably the only thing that it was, is a brothel.

During my years in Moscow, I've done so many stupid countless things, sober.. and some not.. so sober. Got involved in a few dramas, heart breaks, scandals, fights and at the end of the day it all worked out great. I had a plan. When I left Moscow, I wanted to leave it all behind. Take that final breath of Russian air and just say my goodbyes with no ties. But I did, leave a loose knot behind. And that would be my girlfriend at that time, which I had just met 2 months prior to me leaving Moscow for good. Well as you can guess how it turned out. And now I'm left still yearning. 

Update! On my current life.. 

It's been almost a year since I left Moscow, just short of a month. I've since graduated, came back home to Malaysia, signed up with the government and is now a full fledged civil servant. I've been working for a good 6 months. Single yet again. And still in search of ways to make my life as interesting as i can without my laziness getting in the way. 

I'm 26 this year. And though I have left so much of my life behind in Moscow.. I'm trying to recreate one here without losing any part of myself. Sometimes it's hard to balance everything out. I always find myself having to choose between having a life and sleeping. I love sleeping. I love being able to fall asleep and wake up, knowing i have more time to fall back asleep. Gawd, I'm so lazy.. On top of that, I still have to continuously study as a refresher and for my assessments.

Can't complain though. Life as a Houseman.. it is what it is, being half clerk, half slave. We all do what we need to get by. I'm still pretty unsure about where I'm headed. Praying in time, it'll come to me.

  

Gaga over Greys' New Girl

We indulge in things that makes us happy.

That's what life should be about right? As long as it's a healthy activity that is.

My guilty pleasure... is Greys Anatomy.

No particular reason why, but I find a sense of tingling sensation everytime I'm done with an episode.

Perhaps because it's a drama based in Medical Field along with all the reeealllly pretty people and the wit of the show...plus gay characters.. and then now...

There's her...

In search of something

Something has lead me here again. It's something that I can't seem to pin point on but deep down inside i know it's underlying cause. I'm getting bored. And i need a new pace. Yet again, I find myself in a rut, doing the same old thing day in and out. 

It's been .. 5 months since i've started working, yet it feels like forever. It's difficult trying to adapt, new life, new situations yet sometimes I can't help comparing what I used to have (in Moscow), to the life i'm leading now. 

I need something new in life. I have everything I need yet I feel something's amiss. I need something new. Something different. 

I need a change. 

 

Coincidentally

He posted this up, at a timing so right, it hit hard when we heard it.
She cried, and i held in my tears trying to stay strong.

In love again

I've fallen in love yet again. Bite me.
Worst thing is, she fits me perfect.
With a month left in Russia, this is absolutely fantastic.
*sigh*
or maybe it is for best.
She's not from the Peninsular. She has 3 years left in Russia. And even if we had found each other on much earlier timeline, that would just have made it harder to say goodbye for neither of us could pull of a LDR.
It had started out initially as a No String's Attached, simple sort of agreement.
As we went on, we found out that it couldn't work out that way. I had liked her for awhile now, not knowing she felt the same. So here we are, both fools, trying to get everything out of something that will not last. The outcome will not be pretty. But i pray the memories made from it, is enough to make us not regret what we're doing now.

It's too late anyway.

I really do like her.

The four letter word shall not be used.

<3

Бог устал нас любить

We took a little to much,
We remembered everything we wanted to forget,
and on the rails we laid a little late,
God stopped loving us,
God stopped loving us,
God just stopped loving us,
God is just tired.
Here's the case of the bullet that stroke through,
The card that you just can't beat,
We stay alone in this world,
God stopped loving us,
God stopped loving us,
God just stopped loving us,
God is just tired.
I would tell you all I know,
It's just I shouldn't talk about these things,
The fallen snow never melts,
God stopped loving us,
God stopped loving us,
God just stopped loving us,
God is just tired.

Russian music and language never really sound good but their poems and lyrics makes up for it.

I can feel my heart trying to open itself up. Trying and as i fear, never getting there. Why?

I'm in the midst of reading A Clockwork Orange. And just when 'Your Humble Narrator' has been sent for an experiment and "cured" of his violence, the only way to test and prove the success of it is by inflicting violence upon him. All this done, in which by instinct of any normal human being would be to defend themselves and fight back, but it's no longer in him to able to do so. The videos of pain upon others has been embedded in him and the very thought of violence made him sick.

I would use that in reference and relate to the fact that since the last person i've opened my heart up to, has (in what i can only say as) severely damaged me and therefore i'm walled up than ever. And as it is i've come to recently have a crush on someone new. I'd hate to admit anything by saying it or writing it out, but i believe to come to terms with it brings forth a chance of finding a solution.

The fact that i have an inkling of a feeling, means i now have a leak in my dam. And the ever pending fear of it breaking has brought me nightmares. Literally. In the past few nights, and even naps I've already dreamt of murderous acts, reliving of the past, lashing out anger.. all very much of Love and Pain. Drama.. I detest drama. It's not fun to feel. The risks that comes with being involved with anyone here for the remaining 2 months i have left is not worth it. Guess i gotta keep reminding myself that. Blow over. Please blow over quick.

*Realises* (I suddenly feel like i know where VV is at)

Go figure.. Hmm. 

GIG sucked.

The weekend.. was surreal.
if it wasnt for my pulsating knee as a reminder, i would in fact have no memory of the game itself.
everything seems a blur. like a dream. a dream i would have liked to relive again. replay everything and do it diff this time.
for both games, i just couldn't pintpoint what went wrong. how it turned out this way.
i wished i knew.

This is for you

But you'll never know anyway.
You'll never how i was trying to get through to you.
I gave up a long time ago.
But I still think about it sometimes.

Fitness. It's a sport.

Day 27 of Insanity

Tomorrow will mark the end of my one month Insanity project. Unfortunately, I have yet to take a 'before' shot of my body, though I Can feel/see the difference in my arm, calf and abdominal region. Of course, this is just to improve my fitness as I'm playing two sports for intervarsity but I'm sorta hoping for an appearance of a certain muscle group at my midriff.

I actually came to a point where I've stopped cursing my lungs out in between panting like a dog at him and started concentrating on, as he says 'Finishing Strong'.

Was browsing through some of Shaun T's other workouts and came across Asylum.





Insane? Nope. We're already done. Or midway at least. This is Asylum. If you really want a challenge. This is where you belong. Right here. Push your way through fitness.

Are you game?

Can't quite get my mind settled in this pathetic demonstration/display of hope over experience. It is human to err. But i can't help feeling like the cat who's temporarily staying in my room. Being whacked and scolded for the umpteenth for putting it's head down my cup in hopes it will one day be allowed to drink water from the human's vessel.
Let this not be a mistake.
Hoping that each time we try, it'll be a change.

Insanity Workout Day 1

I'm into my final semester, after 7 years of studying here in Russia. My trip was one i would truly remember. Of course the snow and cold had alot to do with it, but mostly focused on the food and the wonders i've seen.

More on that later on as i feel the urge to write about my new project. Insanity Workout. Produced by the same company as P90X but it differs in the intensity. With a high cardio regime I, as of today began what would be my 2 month Insanity Workout Project. Praying for the following:
1- That i stay committed. 6 days a week.
2- Control food intake as much as i can. Since i'm not exactly on the heavy side, i think cutting down on calories isn't such a good idea. But all the same, no junk food, less sugar, fast food, and oily stuff.
3- That i push myself even when it gets hard. Sunday was set as a rest day in the program but my Sundays are booked with Uni Training of Futsal and Hockey. Ai ya yai.
4- That at the end of this 2 months I would be able to stare myself at a mirror, see results and be satisfied.

Never Sacrifice Form.
Quality over Quantity.
Commitment and Discipline.

3 things i keep repeating in my head today. Today just as a starter, we're suppose to do a fitness test which i was surprisingly was able to keep up to. Set my borders and markers and tomorrow the real shit begins. My thighs and back muscles have been aching from last Sunday's training, but i'm willing to push myself furthur.

DONT LIMIT YOURSELF.

i believe the human body is built to withstand alot more than the expected.

Will try to update on my progress.

Wish me luck.

That's Russia for you

I'm sitting in my room that's just a pile of mess, trying to study but the fact that my home is all wrapped up in garbage bags brings on a slightly depressing mood. Best part of all, i'm in the midst of my exam period with 3 days left to go. My neighbour has given up all hope of studying and is blasting music with a bass so loud that the pots i have chucked into my fridge is vibrating.

That's Russia for you. Forcing you to leave your home at their fancy just do to rewiring. I'm in my final year. Apparently this can't wait till summer when i've left for good. Giving me a fucking headache. Sucks ass big time.

Last night's drama has left me with what i diagnosed as frostbite on the superficial surface of my ear. It's has been swollen for about, almost 24 hours now with no signs of it getting any better. To add on the pain is finding this guy in Tt's room where i was suppose to sleep at. Fuck it. I don't need any more complications or drama in my life. I rather just sit by myself, cos i've came to realise that's when i'm the happiest. I never let myself down. Just me and a bit of Mary J. always does the trick.

Leaving for my trip in 5 days. I had to pack for both my stay out of my room, and my trip. Praying that i didnt leave anything out. There's no turning back once they start the rewiring.

Why is it, that everyone here is so fucked up? I yearn for someone interesting who isn't psychologically impaired. Getting a fucking headache just thinking bout it.

6 more months. Sabar la.